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What does this mean...Separated, but H cried when we were talking about our marriage breakdown?

(8 Posts)
FudgeForever Thu 30-Jun-11 10:12:16

So, H and I had a heart to heart last night. He left me when our baby was 6 weeks old. He blamed it on my unreasonable behaviour, because I was very paranoid and insecure. It was only slight before I got pregnant, but then it became paranoia central, and I knew I was being unreasonable at the time, but I always discussed it with him because I didn't want to drive myself insane (that backfired on me...).

That was 3 months ago that he left, but there is still a tension, and it is worsened by the fact that I generally cannot leave him alone with the baby for too long due to feeding etc etc. He has said he doesn't love me, and no amount of counselling will fix things, so he refuses to go.

Anyway, so we were talking/arguing about it, and he was telling me how he felt, that he loved me so much, and my behaviour was so unreasonable and I really hurt him, and he started crying. Now this man is not very in touch with his emotions, he didnt cry at our wedding, and he only got a tear in his eye when our son was born.

He left while still teary, and before he left I called for him to come and give me a hug (I wasn't crying at this point, so I wanted to make him feel better as I hate seeing him cry). Then he forgot his glasses, so I went after him, and he was in the car just sat there crying and locked the car so I couldn't get in (he let me in after a short while and we chatted a bit more).

I should mention that he was diagnosed with depression when this first happened, but he denies anything is actually wrong and hasnt taken his antic-D's.

Am I reading too much into this, and clutching and straws? surely if he didn't care, he wouldn't be crying? or do you think its just because I hurt him so much? I know im the only one that knows him, but I just wanted some opinions...

keynesian Thu 30-Jun-11 10:17:32

He can be grieving for the falure of your relationship without wanting to try again. And he is probably better left to make his recovery with minmal 'help' from you. Sorry if this isn't what you wnt to hear.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 30-Jun-11 10:21:00

Only he knows the answer to that, Fudge, and even then he may not understand his own feelings very well at the moment, especially if he is depressed (and not taking his meds).

Can you tell him that you would appreciate to know where he stands, and ask him to spend some time asking himself that so that he can give you an honest answer, as otherwise you are in very painful emotional limbo?

mo3d Thu 30-Jun-11 10:22:37

He could be crying because of the depression, he could be feeling very lost and low. Why is he not taking his anti Ds?

When my friend ended her relationship, she still cried for weeks because of it was the end of their relationship. Like a bereavement.

It sounds like you need to have a proper chat together.

venusandmars Thu 30-Jun-11 10:28:45

Crying can be a very healthy thing to do. I know you said he's not very in touch with his emotions but when overwhelmed with sadness, it is a natural reaction.

However, it is a sign of sadness, and not of overwhelming love (sorry, I guess that's not what you want to hear sad). He may be sad for many reasons - sad for the loss of a happy dream of you being together, sad for not being around with you and the baby, sad for himself being on his own. But that sadness is very different from being in love with you and wanting it all to be sorted. It sounds as though he has been clear about that.

I know he has refused to go to counselling, but it really could help you both to talk through your feelings of sadness and hurt (not to fix things!), and also for you to understand that it is not your fault if he is feeling sad.

Sadness (and crying) is a natural emotion, but you said he was also depressed. Crying on it's own is not necessarily realted to his depression, but frequent tearfulness, for no reason would be a concern.

FudgeForever Thu 30-Jun-11 10:34:47

I think im with you keynesian. We've been together for 10yrs, married for 2, so we both have a lot emotionally invested in the relationship, not to mention DS.

Well he is pretty clear that the separation is what he wants. I think it was just wishful thinking that he might change his mind....

he doesn't see that he is depressed, despite saying that he felt like he was just 'going through the motions' of life, getting up, go to work, go home and sleep. he says he doesn't feel down though. he took 1 anti-D, and it made him sick, so he didn't take anymore!

FudgeForever Thu 30-Jun-11 10:41:57

I know you are right venusandmars. Like I say, it was just wishful thinking.

Thanks all for your honesty

EricNorthmansMistress Thu 30-Jun-11 11:47:37

You say your paranoia got worse during pregnancy/after the birth and you feel too anxious to leave the baby with him? Have you thought that you might have PND?

If he has depression it's also likely that his emotions will be masked and flattened, and he may genuinely feel that he doesn't love you. Whether that's true or not only time and anti-Ds will tell.

As to him crying meaning he wants to try again with you - no, sorry. He could be crying for any number of reasons and it not mean that (although equally, it might) but if the man tells you he doesn't want to try again, please listen.

I think you both need to seek support and treatment over your mental health and once you have done that things may become clearer.

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