Could you stay with your H if he wasn't a good father?

[MrsDumpfire]

A thread really brought on by another going on at the moment and dc1 statement today 'I don't ilke daddy'.

In short, H has had 'problems adjusting to being a dad'. He is forever puttig them down, totally unable to give unconditionally (whatever it is, love or things). It is worse with dc1 than dc2 probably because of difference in temperament.
Today, H was mentioning he might go away for one or to weeks for owrk. dc1 calmly staed it would be good if H was away for a week. When I asked why, he just stated that 'he doesn't like daddy'.

Knowing that even if we were divorcing, he would still see the kids and still be the same with them, would you stay?

[TheOriginalFAB]

The simple answer to your thread title is no. Once dh went too far with ds1 and it really unsettled me. He knows if he did it again he is gone.

[cestlavielife]

how old are DC?
are you thinking of divorce?
do you like him as person?
maybe if you divorce he wouldnt see them that much anyway?

but no i woldt stay with someone who didnt like my/our C!

[cestlavielife]

wouldnt

[titferbrains]

no I'd really struggle. I really think that men's relationships with their fathers will tell you a lot about what kind of father they will be and my dh adored his dad and dotes on DD (occasionally I have to remind him to ask me about MY day, but mostly he's great). I feel that my admiration for DH's patience and kindness and energy for DD is really part of my rel'ship with him so if I felt he was doing a bad job as a dad I would also feel distanced from him.

However, I do also make a point of encouraging DH also, and telling him that I appreciate how involved he is as a dad, despite having a very little time with her during week. I think it helps him continue to make the effort.

[MrsDumpfire]

dcs are 6 and 8yo.
I am thinking very seriolsy of getting divorced but can't quite make the final step (Financial issues amongst other issues).
I don't think I like him as a person. I certainly don't trust him anymore.

As for him seing them, I have no idea. He has a strong sense of 'duty' so will probably be around because that's what he is supposed to do. But he has never enjoyed being the dcs. Actually being with them on his own every other we has brought a lot of resentment on his side (Was working we at the time). I would hop they would still have some sort of reatonship though.

[MrsDumpfire]

As I read the other thread, I kept reading comments about the fact that mum should be putting her dcs first. Is it really beneficial for the dcs to have separated parents when the P is their father?

[meditrina]

Do you know any he said he didn't like Daddy? And how old is he?

[MrsDumpfire]

dc1 is 8yo. I know why he said that. Previous comments included 'I don't like daddy. When I am crying, you are trying to make me better but with daddy it'ss like he is telling me i'm stupid' .
It wasn't something said out of anger (No telling off or him not being able to do something. We were all sat around the table for a meal). Just a plain statement of how things are.

[AlcoPop]

You seem to be offering H's lack of parenting skill as the key reason for divorce. You already don't trust and don't like him; they're plenty good enough reasons not to waste your time with him already.

I am not a good parent, but DW helps me get there. My DCs aren't always chuffed having me around either. Titfer's comments are on the money: fathers make fathers and on the encouragement point.

But as I say, it doesn't sound like you want him to improve.

[Proudnscary]

My dh is great, we have a long happy marriage.

But he does not have the tolerance and patience with the children that I do. I have to rein him in a fair bit eg 'don't be daft of course they can get the paints out, who cares if they make a mess' 'they are not being naughty, they are giggling' 'they are not shouting, they are talking at kid volume'. He recently went away and the kids said they were looking forward to it!

But he is briliant at sports stuff, taking them out and about, playing in the park for hours - he's an amazing cook and teaches them to try all sorts of foods from every corner of the world, cooks and shops with them. I can't be arsed with either of those things. He's also v affectionate and cuddles the bejesus out of them (more than I do).

I guess what I'm saying is if you took isolated incidents with dh, you would think 'fuck me he's harsh' and the kids do grumble about him. But that's not the full picture.

What's your full picture?

[cestlavielife]

is it really beneficial for DC to live in a house with parents who dont like /trust each other very much and to be around a father who "has never enjoyed being with the dcs" ?

what does he like about being around you?
why does he stay?

does he recognize an issue?
is he willing to address it in family therapy?

is there stuff he does do with DC that is positive?

[fuzzpig]

I don't think I could.

[iscream]

One good parent is better than 2 unhappy parents.
You could try councilling, if you think there is any hope.
Or a separation along with councilling, taking time apart to see if there are any changes.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

No. I wouldn't stay.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

MrsD, how does your husband feel about his parenting? If, like AlcoPop, he thinks he's not a great father but welcomes your input into how he could improve, that's one thing. If he's convinced that he doesn't have to change, he openly doesn't really like being a Dad, etc., that's quite another, I think.

[RitaMorgan]

It sounds like none of you like daddy!

I don't think I would stay with DP if he wasn't a good dad. Even if your DH does keep seeing the children out of duty, every other Saturday will be less of a problem than living with him full time.

[MrsDumpfire]

As you might have guessed there is much more to it than just being 'not a very good dad'.
So to answer some of yur questions. No he has never being happy to be around the dcs. he is very rarel showing any pleasure in spending time with them. More so with dc1. When he does (which tbh he does) you always have the impression he does it as an obligation (big sigh whenever one of the dcs ask him to play). And then you can only rarely see any enjoyment on his face from the play. Any outing has been met with a grumpy face unless it has been to go where he wanted to go (but not laways child friendly) etc... So yes he is caring for them and he will provide basic care (food, safety etc...) but it is clear from his behavior he doesn't want to be there.
The 'struggling to adjust to being a dad' is from him btw.
I have tried in the past to mention what he could differently, tried to involved him i discussion on how we could do this or that (I haven't always been a 'good mum' myself) but he has never wanted to be inolved.
I have told him the comments dc1 has made to me. They have been met with a 'Oh great...' and ... that's it. No other changes (whether he can not face making these changes or can't be bthered I don't know)

Our relationship is another whole issue. (Yes I know that just going by how I feel there are enough reasons to leave). However, I have no idea how we would get by financially. I have started my own business but not a lot of money yet. To make it work, I need to attend meetings early in the am, which I would not be able to do if I am a lone parent. So business would grow much clower. You see the snowball efect there.

Then I read the other thread yesterday and the the fact most peole were condemning the OP because she wasn't out of that relationship yet made me think. If this is damaging for children to be in that sitaution, is that really different if the P is the dad? Is that right to sit tight and have more financial stability before divorcing or should I just go away now for the dcs sake and sort out the financial side later on?

[MrsDumpfire]

cestlavie, the reason he gave me to stay (I did say i wanted to get divorce about a year ago) was 'the other alternative is worse'.

[cory]

This says it all to me:

'I don't like daddy. When I am crying, you are trying to make me better but with daddy it'ss like he is telling me i'm stupid' .

I can understand AlcoPop's input about being a dad who wants to change and just needs time and support, but it doesn't really seem like your dh falls into this category, MrsDumpfire. You need to think about the longterm effects of your son's self-esteem; it won't be long before he starts thinking he is stupid.

[MrsDumpfire]

cory he already thinks he is stupid. :(:(
from a child who is working ahead by about a year in most subjects, is able to find his place/be liked by other children very quickly (He got a cheer up from the whole school at football afetr school for his birthday. That was about 3 weeks after starting in this new school. The guy doing the training said he had never seen anything like this before. Yest dc1 says he doesn't have any friends)

That's what I find the hardest. I kow that H attitude is damaging. I can see that. yest he is still their dad. How can he do that to them? And how can he not see & want to change things and do the best for his dcs? :(:(:(

[tadpoles]

Think if I was in your situation I would insist that he went to counselling to sort out the issues that he clearly has and which he is projecting onto his children (and you probably). He is a grown man, he elected to bring children into the world. Even if he has difficulties adjusting to parenthood (and I can sympathise with this) he could at least be civil with his own children. A more adult approach, from his perspective, would be to minimise input where he knows that he is going to be actively not enjoying it (eg: playing some of those rather boring children's games - I nearly went mad with some of them) but rather finding a few things that he does enjoy sharing with them.

There must be one or two things he enjoys - reading a bed-time story can be really bonding. Watching a film together, swimming - something???

Unless he was prepared to modify his behaviour I would not be able to tolerate the situation you describe. But that is partly because I had a completely crap father and would never put my own children though that.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Everything in your posts says that you and your DC would be better off living apart from him. Yes he'd still be the same with the DC but the main parenting would be done by you.

Everything else also points to this being pretty shit for both you and the DC.

[Devendra]

You can't change your husbands behaviour but you can change yours. I could never stay with someone who was chipping away at mychildrens self esteem and self confidence. Its emotional abuse..leave him and do the right thing for your children.

[cestlavielife]

yes to answer your question i think you should definitely " go away now for the dcs sake and sort out the financial side later on"

absolutely. given everything you say. your DC come first.

you could get au pair or arange something for early mornings. practical things can be dealt with.

please dont stay any longer with someone who really cannot handle day to day family life .

doesnt matter if he the dad or not - the hole picture is very sad but you ahve to do something now for your DC sake - adn get soem family therapy for your DS (tho leaving may just help him recover)