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oh how the tables have turned

(16 Posts)
kerfuzzled Wed 29-Jun-11 21:11:37

I found out that my husand of 7 yrs had an affair about 2 yrs ago, broke my heart at the time felt like I was going insane. Anyway we worked through it and we are still together but in that process I feel as though I have become a new woman. Just after I found out about the affair I was very nervy, watching his every move, wondering what he was up to. But now all of those feelings have gone I feel stronger than ever, that he really can do nothing to hurt me, like I'm invicible, dont get me wrong i still love him and want to be with him. He on the other hand has become very needy, almost annoyingly so. Has anyone else experienced this??

Saffysmum Wed 29-Jun-11 21:28:59

kerfuzzled - well done on feeling so empowered. As the old saying goes "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I kicked my ex out late April, and like you feel very strong and independent, but different to you, in that our marriage is definitely over. But I relate to what you are saying - my ex wanted out for so long, but I get the impression that I'm coping better than he is.....

kerfuzzled Wed 29-Jun-11 21:42:23

yes saffysmum it really is a great feeling to feel back in control, to be in a relationship because you want to be not because you need to be. It has taken a while to get there but there is no going back now. I think that your ex is probably not coping because he sees you coping so well if that makes sense.

Wisedupwoman Wed 29-Jun-11 21:56:04

Hi kerfuzzled, just want to add my twopenny worth - same as you and Saff. My life is getting better and better. Meanwhile...................'nuff said.

Aislingorla Wed 29-Jun-11 22:17:32

So interesting, very similar experience. H needs a lot of reassurance while I've grown in confidence.

thesunshinesbrightly Thu 30-Jun-11 00:52:59

Sound's like you are in a similar position as me apart from i have no proof of his affair just niggly thing's and my gut but i couldnt care less anymore and it won't hurt me when i find the proof.
Well done for being strong.

camilla2010 Thu 30-Jun-11 07:56:11

well is it possible he had an affair because he he felt insecure with you and 2 years on he still does? Maybe he really loves you and needs more re assurence from you that you feel the same. Rightly or wrongly men do seem to need alot of attention.

peggotty Thu 30-Jun-11 08:04:05

Of FFS camillaangry. What a pile of steaming shit!!

CrispyHedgehog Thu 30-Jun-11 08:35:08

Yes! 18 months on and dp is clingy and insecure. I think he's a little bit scared that I will cheat on him in retaliation for what he did.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 30-Jun-11 08:45:41

Yes totally camilla, one must constantly stroke P's ego and worship the ground he walks on (literally, I tend to throw rose petals in the wake of 'my man's' path and ring little bells just so he really knows)... After all wouldn't want him thinking I am anything without him now would I. Of course men are not responsible for their own actions, if they screw around it is completely and utterly our own fault, affairs are just a cry for attention we should be jolly greatful they have stayed with us, exposed us to the risk of std's and let us wash their skid marked's the only reason I get up in the morning!

Kerfuzzled, good for you, I hope you have lots of RL support and love too.

Ormirian Thu 30-Jun-11 08:49:21

"Rightly or wrongly men do seem to need alot of attention"


Sounds like our rescue dog who is suffering from seperation anxiety and needs lots of reassurance and calm consistency. Try a training leash and little bits of cooked chicken as rewards when he's good.

Poledra Thu 30-Jun-11 08:56:35

That sounds like a good idea, Orm - I reckon Dh would do anything for little bits of curried chicken grin

kerfuzzled Thu 30-Jun-11 17:32:45

Ha ha thanks for the replies made me chuckle. Men are quite comparable to dogs in more than one way!!

Yes I do have lots of support and love from my fantastic family fuzzy.
Interesting how some women still take the view we should do everything in our power to please our man. hmm You could treat them like a king and it wouldnt matter, if they've made up their mind to cheat they will still do it.

TheScenicRailway Thu 30-Jun-11 18:11:44

I'm sure you're right OP, but unfortunately, this idiotic view that if a woman takes her eye off the ball (so to speak grin), she has only herself to blame if her man cheats, is pretty prevalent. There was a thread on here recently full of women who'd had affairs/were OW who were basically saying the same thing. You can see why that must be a self-comforter for people in their situation, but it's amazing how much that myth prevails.

It's great that you're feeling so much better now and as long as that isn't chemically induced (i.e. ADs) then it's wonderful that you feel so much strength. Re. your situation though, have you recovered well enough as a couple, do you think? I think a measure of that given how you say you now feel, is that you should want to reassure your H that your strength is a good thing - and not a threat?

I'm assuming you don't want him to feel insecure and vulnerable?

kerfuzzled Thu 30-Jun-11 18:27:20

Scenic railway no I can honestly say I would never want him to feel insecure I have been there and wouldnt wish that on him. Our relationship I feel is stronger than ever and part of that is due to what we have been through

Reading back i realise i sound bolshy but i'm not that type of person at all. The confidence i now feel within myself is more of a quiet, self contained one. I'm not knocking them for those that need them but no AD'S are not for me.

stargazy Thu 30-Jun-11 20:11:18

I was in bits over DH's EA a year ago.Now still feel sad at times that it happened(but v grateful it got stopped before became physical) but now feel stronger and like you Kerfuzz self-contained.That's exactly how I put it to DH the other day - he looked hurt but I explained that I was sure I loved him and wanted to be with him-altho for several months after discovery I really wasn't sure I did - but something inside me had changed forever.I feel an inner strength that he hurt me so much but I survived.Enjoying our 'new' relationship loads but also my friends -especially the couple of close ones I confided in mean the world to me and I'm doing more things for me rather than just being a mum and wife.Wouldn't say he's needy and nervous but think sometimes he's still a bit worried I'll turn around and say I don't want him in my life.But I do and I reassure him of this.Hope that makes sense!

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