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Am I being too suspicious??

(22 Posts)
mummasita Wed 29-Jun-11 17:37:44

Ok, met this guy on a dating site, he seems to be really nice thing is he's separated with 2 very young kids, he also still lives in the same house with his ex wife. I didn't want to appear nosey so I asked him how long they been separated for or anything.
He comes across as really friendly and kind on the phone we are meeting up for first time soon, we've exchanged pics and all that. He wants us to meet for coffee early in the morning because he needs to get back before 1?? What do you think about this? I don't feel comfortable but prepared to give benefit of the doubt. I haven't dated in nearly 10yrs my last relationship was a disaster, it's made be really distrustful of men. Please help, don't think i could stand another cockup.

biryani Wed 29-Jun-11 17:42:15

Perhaps he shares childcare with his ex and this is why he has to be back by 1? This could also explain why they still share a house. i would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt for now but I would also ask him outright if he is still in a relationship with his ex. He seems to have been upfront about it so far, but at least you are on your guard. Good luck.

WillIEverBeASizeTen Wed 29-Jun-11 17:45:27

Hmmm still living with the ex wife? If they are only separated then she's not ex exactly eh? Do you know how long they have been "separated"?

I would be suspicious too, but then I'm a bitter and twisted old cow grin

buzzsore Wed 29-Jun-11 17:48:31

I presume there's a 'haven't' missing in your sentence about not wanting to appear nosy? Yet how long they've been separated is a perfectly valid question, and that they're got 'very young' kids implies this is a recent split (if a split at all).

I'd look elsewhere, it sounds like things are very fresh there to me. You've nothing invested in this, I'm sure there are more sorted guys out there.

EnSuiteShed Wed 29-Jun-11 17:49:33

I don't think I would want to be getting involved with a man who still lives in the same house as his ex tbh.

Even if it's legit there are just too many issues that could crop up here.

BooBooGlass Wed 29-Jun-11 17:52:24

You owe him nothing, you've not even met yet. I would give it a miss tbh, there's too much potential for a really messy relationship here. How would you deal with going on a date knowing that after he says goodbye he's heading off home to his ex?
If you;re on a dating site already, then crack on and message a few more men. There have to be better prospects on there than this guy. I very much doubt he's even ready to date and am a bit hmm about him having even set up a profile while his living arrangements are so messy

garlicnutter Wed 29-Jun-11 17:57:00

I dunno, my ex and I both dated while we were still sharing the house. We didn't have kids - it's often the only realistic thing to do, even more so when the children's needs have to be met. The dating didn't make things any worse.

I would definitely ask him exactly where they're at, mummasita. Have they done the divorce application yet? Are they legally separated, sleeping in separate rooms, not sharing meals, etc? (The court requires you to do this.) What does he need to be away at 1pm for? You do have the right to ask these things, in fact it's normal in his situation.

Also bear in mind that, whatever happens now, you're very very likely to be a transitional partner. Don't get your hopes up or lose touch with your personal life.

nomedoit Wed 29-Jun-11 18:39:08

OP, I hate to say this but you are probably not the only person he has contacted. If he's recently separated, he might be a kid in a sweet shop.

I think if you proceed then you have to keep it very casual and have zero expectations. Who is to say he is ever going to move out?

I also think you can question him all you like but he will play down his life with his "ex".

TheScenicRailway Wed 29-Jun-11 18:45:37

Ask him if he'll mind you having a chat with his wife, because you have strong moral objections to being, or being perceived as, an OW.

SingOut Wed 29-Jun-11 20:37:22

Having been there, done that for the last year, I would say NEVER AGAIN. It's up to you of course, but you might want to read this and perhaps this as well. And be very cautious.
I got asked out for a drink but a very recently divorced bloke last week (he wanted to have a drink to celebrate his decree absolute coming through! shock) and I politely said no. Never, ever ever ever again. God.

ineedabodytransplant Wed 29-Jun-11 21:14:10

Just to give the other side of the coin.

My wife and I have recently agreed that our relationship, such that it was, had died and that we both would benefit from going our seperate ways.

We have put our house on the market, splitting the equity when it sells 50/50. I may have brought more money into the home over the years, but she had the girls, ran the home, sorted the accounts etc so evens out.

Neither of us can afford to rent while still paying the mortgage. Ww do everything seperately. Seperate rooms, don't eat together, don't go out together. The only thing we do share in common is our 4 year old grandson.

I can produce numerous people who will confirm our situation, it isn't a secret.

It may be he has agreed to look after his kid(s) on certain days/times.

I work mainly from home so I am around a lot to collect him from nursery, give him lunch etc. This would involve me being back by a certain time on those days, which may be the case here.

But if I am ever lucky enough to meet a woman who cares I would openly explain the situation.

ineedabodytransplant Wed 29-Jun-11 21:15:22

I wouldn't take a new partner to my home at the moment, no point rubbing anyone's nose in things. But have nothing to hide otherwise

SingOut Wed 29-Jun-11 21:23:34

ineed, fair play to you. I think there is generally an assumption that people who have recently either decided to separate or who have recently got divorced are still raw from it, need time to process and adjust and subsequently shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone else because it is very difficult to process the recent end of one relationship while beginning another.

ineedabodytransplant Thu 30-Jun-11 07:21:34

Singout, I realise that some blokes(and women) I expect will carry on affairs whilst still in a relationship. All I wanted to say was that not all men / women are necessarily the same. The op asked if she should be suspicious. All I wanted to show was a bit of perspective from the other side of the coin.

But I do appreciate what you are saying

deburca Thu 30-Jun-11 10:51:46

I think it depends really, if you meet him and are getting a good vibe and want to pursue things with him then ask him straight out. It will do not harm if you are gentle enough about it, ie is it strange for you to be living at home with your ex? that might open the conversation up if you get my drift


strawberryjelly Thu 30-Jun-11 11:56:55

I'd meet him once- and dig for England to find out precisely what the set up is. On the plus side he has told you that they are living in the same house. if he was an out and out liar he would have not told you that and led you along another path. Unless of course he's one step ahead and thinking this himself!

I'd say the proof of his marriage being over is that you can call him at home on a landline anytime etc etc and his wife is happy for him to date other women.

harassedandherbug Thu 30-Jun-11 13:21:49

I went out with someone like this once.....he may have been separated in his head, but he hadn't told his wife angry.

However I was in that situation when I separated from xh. Legally separated, still living in same house, different bedrooms and lives.... Was hell!!

mummasita Thu 30-Jun-11 19:08:35

Thank you for your replies. I did actually change my mind about meeting him once and told him, obviously i didn't say it's because he might be a cheating dog! He sounded gutted in his reply like i hadn't even given him a chance so that's why i said i would at least go for a coffee.

I really like him from his pics he's really I'm alot older and wiser now so he won't be able to pull the wool over my eyes for long. I'm lonely for a man..sick of doing everything myself. Sorry to rant on.

mummasita Thu 04-Aug-11 19:21:31

Hi guys, all I want to say here is that those of you who said be careful, you were RIGHT!! And i'm now back to square 1..not even 1 more like 0.
I can't seem to get those little faces you can use but i'm wearing the sad blue one.

GertieWooster Thu 04-Aug-11 19:47:00

Don't you think it's reassuring that your instincts were working? so I think you are probably on square 2 or 3 at least.

Now take off sad blue face and put on yellow smiley face and be thankful you didn't waste any more time and effort with this loser. You will find someone who deserves you.

ohgawdherewegoagain Thu 04-Aug-11 20:11:38

Op, there's another way to look at this. Only he knows what the situation and you are only meeting up for coffee. When you start internet dating, you have to get used to being outside of your comfort zone and therefore, spread your net a little wider and arrange to see several dates. I was in a similar situation to you and I hadn't dated for 8 years for the same reasons as you. After meeting several very nice men for a one off meet, I am now relaxed about meeting up. Still looking to see what and who I would like to be with but confidence has risen markedly and I am also attracting interest from non internet daters because of this, I believe.

I'd give anyone a chance. People do live with their exes. My daughter is doing exactly that but I wouldn't underestimate the complexity of this if your friend is in the same boat.

I feel your concern about getting hurt again but it is highly unlikely that this first one will be the "one" so it is important to recognise that some you meet will like you, some won't and you will feel exactly the same about them. The first time someone said to me, "there's no spark", I didn't know how to react. But as soon as I drove off, I was relieved because he was right - just wished I'd had the courage to say it earlier when I was faking my laughter at his awful jokes! Don't lock yourself away any longer. Whatever happened in our pasts, it isn't worth putting ourselves out of reach of feelings and exciting possibilities! Good Luck to you and if you want to use him for a practice meet, just do so. You can always walk away and on to the next!

ohgawdherewegoagain Thu 04-Aug-11 20:12:30

Blimey - serious case of cross post here - ignore everything I have said!!!

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