Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Think dh might be seeing someone

(30 Posts)
Soozey1 Tue 28-Jun-11 20:09:44

Hi all

I don't often post on here but read a lot and thought I would post as I need some help. I have a 6 month old and a 2 year old so i might just be reading into something that is not there so bear with me!

So about 3 years ago about 5am dh's phone goes off with a text message. I am a light sleeper so it woke me up and thought someone would only text if it was urgent so I looked at it. Turns out it was from a girl from his work texting to say she was off on holiday and see you when she gets back xxxxx. So I went a bit crazy, woke up dh and asked why a girl we texting him at this time of the morning. He fobbed it off by saying she was just a friend and does this sort of thing. I then asked him to tell her not to text at stupid times anymore as it is disrespectful to his wife which he said he did. Then a few weeks later I saw a text from her again on his phone saying something along the lines of, "see you 10 mins earlier than I thought" when he received this message I was out and not due back until late. When questioned he again fobbed it off and said that he had no idea what she was talking about. Fair enough I didn't take it any further and forgot all about it. This girl is also on his fb.

Fast forward 3 years and 2 kids later....

A few months ago he started to act very secretively about his phone and always kept it with him. Then he came home from work one day with a very sunburnt face. This I thought strange as he had called me at lunchtime
E to say that he was back from lunch and going to a meeting. I then exclaimed about his face and asked if he had been out that afternoon as sometimes he has work drinks that last all afternoon. He denied and later on spilt into convo that his boss had taken the meeting outside as it was such a warm day. I accepted this but only later on realised that roads surround his office and no greenery-where would they have the meeting?! Anyway didn't follow up on it.

So today he forgot his phone when he went out this morning and I snuck a look on his fb messages. Big mistake. In oct last year I went away for a week to see family abroad-I was 6 months pregnant - and dh took a week off too to spend time with our first child instead of having dc1 in nursery but he got very poorly and was in hospital for a few days. So this message is telling her all about it and saying to her that she should cancel her day off and that they will meet another time. She kept calling him babe and Hun and lots of kisses but nothing like that from him.

My question is then if they are just friends why does she have to take a day off to see him why not just lunch or drinks After work? Should I ask him about this? Am very confused and dont know if I'm just being silly. I have no more solid evidence other than what I've explained.

Thank you and so sorry it's so long!!

Wisedupwoman Tue 28-Jun-11 20:25:45

Sorry Soozey it doesn't look good. IMO you should ask him.
Tell him how disturbed you are by what you've found and how come you felt you needed to check - you did this because you love him, presumably and want to protect your marriage and DC's.

If there's nothing back from him by way of pet-names etc then maybe she just has a crush on him. Nevertheless, she's making it clear she's available and he doesn't appear to be disabusing her of the truth that he's not - unless he's up for it.

If they're just friends how come she's not your friend too?

What else is going on that makes you check his phone? there's usually other stuff too which on it's own doesn't make sense but when you start to put it all together begins to take on another meaning.

Soozey1 Tue 28-Jun-11 20:42:08

Hi Wise

Thank you very much for replying.

Another thing that has happened is that there used to be a time on fb that anything that DH wrote on his status or when he put pics up of the Dcs, then she would be the first one to comment on it and I made the mistake of mentioning this casually one day to him - just that it was funny how she was always the first and always within 5 mins or so. And then again promptly forgot all about it, only to think a few weeks on that I hadn't seen anything from her on his fb at all! This I thought very strange and perhaps he had told her not to post on this fb anymore. And also things like staying out late with drinks with work, or working late and then 'missing' trains and coming home late prompted me to check.

I do want to protect our marriage and dcs - you're totally right but I just need to know how to start the conversation. I'm really upset right now and I don't think I can bring it up tonight but I am going to try. Thank you again

maras2 Tue 28-Jun-11 20:52:11

Soozey. Sorry that this has happened and I'm sure more experienced netters will give you advice but if you read your post back to you, you'll see that something is staring you in the face and it aint happy ever after. Mx.

Aislingorla Tue 28-Jun-11 20:53:32

You really need to sit him down and tell him about your suspicions. Just tell him honestly and simply how you've been feeling lately.
Good luck.

Soozey1 Tue 28-Jun-11 20:58:56

Thank you for your replies, Maras2 and Aislingorla. And you're right if I read this from someone else I probably would think something was up. My fear though is what if it isn't and that they are just friends? I never thought that DH would cheat on me. He just doesn't seem the type. I know I sound stupid but I really thought he wouldn't do this to me. What if I open a whole can of worms and he comes out with something like he loves her and wants to leave me? I can't take care of two kids on my own. I'm just really scared of confronting him in case this happens. Pathetic huh?!

mittenkitten Tue 28-Jun-11 20:59:01

So sorry Soozey.

I am going to be the one who says "don't sit him down and try to talk this out honestly." When you have raised questions before all that has happened has been that he has denied everything and changed his behaviour and become more secretive. I would say sit tight, rely on your own judgment and try to get more evidence of what is really going on.

Aislingorla Tue 28-Jun-11 21:02:12

Surely that will drive her mad mitten?
If you don't mind my saying, Soozey, you sound like you're a bit afraid of your H?

mittenkitten Tue 28-Jun-11 21:05:56

Well, it definitely won't be easy, I agree, and I wouldn't say do it indefinitely at all. Just take the time to look at whatever else might be easy to look at, e.g. phone statements, cc statements. However you choose to handle it is going to be difficult in some way, unfortunately.

FlubbaBubba Tue 28-Jun-11 21:07:50

Of course it's not pathetic. Nobody in a relationship wants to find out that it's over. But you could take care of two kids on your own. It would be hard, but you could do it.
I hope it doesn't come to that, but surely you need to get this niggle out of your head, for peace of mind if nothing else. If he and this woman are just friends, then you'll have made him realise you don't trust him entirely but that will be it. If, however, he and this woman are more than friends, you can decide what it is you want to do. Read some of the other relationship threads about his possible comebacks on all of what you've included in your posts. Apparently denial and deviousness are at the fore.

Soozey1 Tue 28-Jun-11 21:16:42

Mitten, thank you. I have tried to do this recently and thought, I'm not going to drive myself mad trying to get to his phone, but if the opportunity is there,I will take it - which it was this morning. I mean, this message is from 9 months ago and I can't find anything more recent than this - of course he can always have covered his tracks by deleting messages / call lists etc. I can't think of any other way I could see what was happening as phone bills are online and I have no idea what his username and passwords might be.

Aisling - I'm not afraid of him, no, but I do tend to be the one that backs down unless it's something I feel very very strongly about. And I should in this case shouldn't it?!

Flubba - yes I do need to get this niggling out of my head. He has gone upstairs now but I am thinking of following him up and just seeing if I can say something. He knows that things haven't been right today (he has a day off so is at home) and has been trying to be really nice - taking the baby for me when I'm not feeding him, and asking me what is wrong. I haven't been able to confront him yet! And I will read around...thanks again

myrubicon Tue 28-Jun-11 21:21:19

Soozey - I'm with mittenkitten and wisedupwoman on this one.

It doesn't look great given what you have described, but if there is anything going on, an 'honesty session' is seriously unlikely to help. He'll try to reassure you, you'll hear what you want to hear, and that's just not good enough.

Gather evidence - that's vital, but here's an important distiction: understand the difference between paranoia (bad!) and not giving him the benefit of the doubt (fair).

The difficulty is in the logic - if there is something going on, he won't simply roll over & confess in a fit of guilt, so you'll be given the excuses and lies. On the other hand if it is nothing more than a one-sided crush, he'll quite likely tell you the truth... but how does one distinguish between the two? I don't have much solid advice here, except that your instincts are important and self-awareness re paranoia should be considered. You know him better than anyone. Be fair, but never assume.

Oh, and you're not being at all pathetic about 'what if...'. I know what you're going through. My DP was incapable of having an affair; far too genuine and good. I was wrong.

Aislingorla Tue 28-Jun-11 21:22:32

Please do follow him up and start the conversation.
Remember you had suspicions from 3 years ago and they 've never really gone away.
Something is not right here. Could be he's having an on/off affair.
Do ask, it's high time.
Best wishes.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 28-Jun-11 21:40:22

It sounds like an affair. I would ask him for access to his mobile, FB/email accounts etc and if he is defensive then he is definitely hiding something.

I always thought my H was not the type to have an affair, only to be proved wrong.

Aislingorla Tue 28-Jun-11 21:53:48

Have to say my H is the last person on earth to have an affair , anyone who knows him would say. And he had two!
(found out about both at the same time!)

Mollydoggerson Tue 28-Jun-11 22:04:04

It might be absolutely nothing. I know a friend of mine drove herself insane checking her partner's facebook. He also had a female friend that was pushing boundaries, nothing was happening but the friend was way too over familiar. Your situation may be the same.

Is the girl/the friend single or in a relatiosnhip, does she have children of her own. Sometimes people in a different phase of life/younger/less responsibilities can be a bit stupid when it comes to boundaries. Maybe she get s a kick out of flirting but nothing else is going on.

I think you should just talk to him, have it out, tell him what is bothering you.

Honestly my gut reaction is there is really no evidence of an affair.

He might be acting secretive as he may want to avoid irritating you in any way.

Don't jump to conslusions, talk instead.

toomanyeasterbunnies Tue 28-Jun-11 22:21:09

Until 3 months ago I would have sworn that my H was not the type. I now know otherwise sad

Trust your instinct. I wish you well Soozy.

Aislingorla Tue 28-Jun-11 22:25:43

Hope you're talking to him now.
Keep posting.
X

dementedma Tue 28-Jun-11 22:40:41

It sounds like an affair. I would ask him for access to his mobile, FB/email accounts etc and if he is defensive then he is definitely hiding something

You're not serious??

i am constantly amazed on here by mostly women who think DH/DP is having an affair because they checked his phone/Facebook.email etc. WTF gives anyone the right to check their partners stuff??? Are they your partner or your possession? Do you open their postal mail too? If DH asked for the above I'd be bloody defensive alright. Not because I'm hiding anything at all but because he doesn't "own" me!

choux Tue 28-Jun-11 23:00:12

I'm afraid my warning bells are ringing just like the OPs:

- change in behaviour re guarding phone
- statements not adding up 'I've been to work, we had meeting outside. In the car park'
- possible OW always on his facebook, wife comments, possible OW immediately disappears from his facebook
- wife goes away and husband and possible OW make plans to spend a day together
- working late, out for drinks and then missing trains

My hunch is he wants to have his cake and eat it. Family man reputation and close (inappropriate / adulterous?) friendship on the side. Without proof he will deny everything and carry on as is but with a little more care for a while.

If he was having an affair of some sort 3 years ago before you had kids why didn't he leave then? Because he was choosing you. And you have since had children so now there is even more reason to choose you. Have you considered saying nothing for now and focussing on making your relationship with him better? Kids can turn a lively relationship into a monotonous pattern of childcare, meals and exhausted parents every night. Do you still go out together, have nice meals at home. What used to be the things you enjoyed doing together pre-kids?

Also I'm interested in why you went to see your family when pregnant and he took time off from work but didn't come with you How come you didn't travel there as a family? Was that his idea? Does he get along with your family?

M0naLisa Tue 28-Jun-11 23:56:18

Something doesntr add upp. Can you see her on fb? Have you checked your settings to make sure he hasn't blocked her from your account. Maybe set up another account on fb find your dh then try to find her, if he got her to block you you won't see her on yours but on another account you will that's why you maybe not seen her posts.

I would confront him.also bills online you could set it up.

nomedoit Wed 29-Jun-11 04:00:47

I think you need more info before you speak to him.

Ask him for access to the phone account.

Tell him that you met a nice woman at playgroup, she called you, you can't find her number on your phone, you need to check the online call records to retrieve her number.

(My online account has all info as to numbers, time, date and duration of call.)

Do it while he is at the computer and the children are in bed. Don't give him any opportunity to clear off info. Say you need it NOW and don't leave him alone.

See what he says.

nomedoit Wed 29-Jun-11 04:01:29

I think the phone records will tell you pretty much all you need to know. If it is constant texting and calling, that's your answer I'm afraid.

proudnscaryvirginmary Wed 29-Jun-11 07:01:49

I'm sorry I think he is having an affair.

I wouldn't confront him either until you have some really good evidence - sod the 'no snooping' brigade. He has been acting suspiciously for a long time.

If you confront him now he will deny it, cover his tracks better etc. So look through all his accounts/phone etc.

And, look, even if he's not having sex with this (and other?) woman, this is an in appropriate relationship that is making you feel uncomfortable. It is NOT 'normal' or acceptable to get texts from a workmate at 5am!

Then you need to decide whether you can get through this. I'm really sorry you are having a shitty time.

good luck x

FabbyChic Wed 29-Jun-11 07:04:55

I too believe he is having an affair. It all adds up, there is nothing here that shows anything but an affair.

He has something to hide and it is not just friendship, if that is all it was why else would he hide his so called friendship with this girl?

He either looks for another job and cuts contact with her or he fucks off and you get on with your life without a cheat and a liar.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now