Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Now that you are OUT of a bad relationship, do you ever kick yourself for stuff that you put up with?

(82 Posts)
sundayrose10 Tue 28-Jun-11 09:46:08

I find I am so angry with myself for wasting so many years with such a douche bag loser. Now I can think clearly, it stuns me what what 'I allowed'. I'm so not that person.

Just thinking out loud.

It's been so many years but I still wonder why did i put up with it?

TechLovingDad Tue 28-Jun-11 09:47:06

I do still wonder why on earth I did it. I know why, though. I had zero self esteem and didn't think I deserved better.

I did get DD1 and now know what I don't want out of a relationship, so not all bad.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 09:47:27

Yep, yep and yep

I cannot believe I was ever that person, tbqh

EricNorthmansMistress Tue 28-Jun-11 10:54:22

Yes
We invest so much and it seems worth the compromise, somehow, when you're in it. We minimise things 'it's not that bad' then you look back - and it fucking is that bad

angry

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran Tue 28-Jun-11 10:55:43

Yep. All the time. But I won't make the same mistakes this time (are you listening DP?? wink)

verlainechasedrimbauds Tue 28-Jun-11 10:56:50

Yes, I look back and think " what was I doing for heaven's sake?".

CravingExcitement Tue 28-Jun-11 11:01:34

Yes still kick myself for that wasted 9 years of my 20s that I can never get back sad

TechLovingDad Tue 28-Jun-11 11:03:05

I did "waste" from 16 to 27, but can't get it back now so no point dwelling too much.

MitchiestInge Tue 28-Jun-11 11:06:57

That's weird, woke up thinking about that this morning. It could almost be my superpower, either picking horrible partners but not quite seeing it for years or turning perfectly nice men horrible over time.

EricNorthmansMistress Tue 28-Jun-11 11:07:19

I can't think of the time as a waste, I had new experiences, I got a new family (his) and I got a beautiful son. I'm still young, I have my health, and life goes on smile

kaluki Tue 28-Jun-11 11:21:14

I feel the same. I wasted 6 years of my life on a complete arsehole and didn't even realise how manipulated I had been until long after it was over. In fact it took meeting someone 'normal' to see how disfunctional that relationship really was.
On the positive side, I really appreciate my life now. I am thankful every day for my lovely DP, who is the complete opposite to my lying abusive drunken exH.
I just wish I'd wised up sooner and not put my dc through it.
sad

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 11:24:14

I am thankful at least that "only" 18 months was thrown away down my particular black hole of chaos

and no dc from it

Things could have been a lot worse

jjgirl Tue 28-Jun-11 11:33:21

it has given me a greater appreciation of other peoples problems. I dont hesitate to help now.

Meglet Tue 28-Jun-11 13:23:02

I 'only' put up with the abuse and crap for 2 years. All the time I was trying to make it better and cutting XP slack for his twattish behaviour.

However I knew that I was edging closer to getting rid of him. His final "I want you all dead" explosion did it for me. I think I kicked him out in the nick of time. Sad that he never sorted himself out and sad that he screwed up the very early days with both the dc's but we survived.

I don't really take any shit from people these days.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 13:33:13

me neither, meg

it is shocking the shit that people try to give you for operating within that mindset though hmm

nickelbabe Tue 28-Jun-11 13:36:29

I do it constantly.
everytime something positive happens, I say "this would never have happened with ex"
or if DH does something, or acts a certain way I go "ex would have done this this or this, never this"

the thing that annoys me most, is that I was never happy with ex.
I knew that to be the truth within 3 weeks of going out with DH.

orangina Tue 28-Jun-11 13:38:59

Funnily enough, I was just thinking about it this morning. Yup, have no idea why I put up w it, why I thought I could 'help' him, and why I was somehow afraid of 'failing'.....

Still, no dc, only 2 years of my life (and the same number again just getting over it all....). My greatest concern is to make sure that dd doesn't end up going down a similar path when she is older....

I can spot a NP a mile off now...!

Mouseface Tue 28-Jun-11 13:40:06

I regret that I gave him all of me, every last part.

He took all that I was, all that made me who I used to be.

He destroyed me bit by bit, in a very controlled way.

And I let him into DD's life, which I regret more than staying after the rapes, the beatings, the put downs and the constant cheating.

That is my biggest regret, letting him be a father figure to her.

BooyHoo Tue 28-Jun-11 13:40:52

yes but i am clinging on very firmly to the 'no regrets' mantra. i refuse to accept it was a wasted time of my life, more that i learned so much about what i do and dont want and how strong i can and must be in future.

stop kicking yourselves. i understand how infuriating it is to think you have given the best of yourself up to someone who never deserved but it really helps if you can see it as a positive thing. the fact that you got the strength to leave, the fact it is history never to be repeated, the fact that you learned your own limits and what you absoloutely will never again accept or tolerate. we all need to know who we are and what we want, sometimes teh only way to learn is to make these kind of mistakes and use teh experience for your next relationship.

orangina Tue 28-Jun-11 13:41:02

Oh mouseface.... sad

Mouseface Tue 28-Jun-11 13:43:53

And I too thought I could save him, change him by loving him completly. I would have walked across broken glass for him.

I loved him so much. It was all my fault, I deserved what he did to me because I didn't love him enough and I had to try harder.

And that's what I did for 2.5 years.

Mouseface Tue 28-Jun-11 13:45:53

BooHoo - I hope to be where you are one day.

I have a wonderful DH, a million miles from my XP, in every sense of the word. He is amazing and I adore him.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 13:50:16

mousey, you will, one day

I thought I could change my dickhead

I should have realised back then that the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour especially when it suits them just fine

I knew what he was like, but went ahead anyway

stupid

orangina Tue 28-Jun-11 13:51:06

They don't/didn't deserve any of us. Makes me cross to think about it, but too bad, all in the past now. XP came w huge sense of entitlement. Referred to me as 'the keeper of his good side'.... no pressure on me then to make sure he wasn't a complete arse.....!

(I was fighting a completely losing battle there obviously......!)

So glad you are w someone who deserves you now....

orangina Tue 28-Jun-11 13:52:02

Why do all these women think it is somehow their farkin' job to change useless men? Myself included?

(I can feel a rant coming on.....)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now