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Domestic violence - please please make sure you keep the police informed.

(20 Posts)
pretentiouswasteoftime Tue 28-Jun-11 06:48:00

Essex has recently seen the death of a mother and child at the hands of an abuser. Obviously at this stage lots of investigation is taking place about how her case was managed by police and other agencies. From what I am hearing. (via our domestic violence team) it sounds that while some lessons can be learned in some areas (greater staff numbers and input to the police domestic violence units for example) there were facts which agencies were not aware of and which might have made a difference if only they had been shared.

This is not a victim blame game, women subject to abuse manage in the way which seems best to them at the time, and being under huge stress do not always think clearly or rationally. They make decisions based upon a variety of factors and hope for the best at times. This poor woman did not deserve to die at the hands of this violent man and I hope they chuck the key away to be honest as he is beyond evil.

If you ARE subject to violence then please keep people informed of exactly what is happening, especially if you have already left the relationship as this lady had. Go through the assessments to clarify exactly what the risks are, ensure all contact from the abuser is documented - especially if these are death threats, no matter in what manner they are delivered. The police can act on these but not if they are unaware that this is happening.

Take all the help offered to keep yourself safe, get support, take part in all the risk assessments and get the home secured.

This man and those like him need to be locked up and we need courts to give far more than a slap on the wrist for stalking and harassment behaviours. Possibly the reason women DON'T report at times is because it seems pointless. On the other hand if he makes a death threat then him being picked up by police and charged just might save your life.

Clumsily worded OP here (tis early) but have been thinking about this case for days as it's close to me in Essex.

want2sleep Tue 28-Jun-11 07:51:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pretentiouswasteoftime Tue 28-Jun-11 07:58:52

They were in text form to this lady but she didn't report them sadly.

GypsyMoth Tue 28-Jun-11 07:59:35

Nice sentiment, but have you been there??

It's not that simple, it really isn't.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 08:00:32

OMG want2sleep! I know what it's like to live in fear for your life from a menacing abusive ex, and can only imagine what it must be like for you to do it for so long. No wonder you want to sleep. Is your GP giving you the medical support you need?

I am sure you are clued up and are doing everything you can, but can I ask:

- whether you have tried speaking to different police officers, in case you eventually land on one who is willing to question your ex on the strength of your statement? (I did, although I am not in UK so this may not apply. but could it be worth trying?)

- whether you can live somewhere other than a known address for a while, such as a refuge or a friend's house?

- whether a friend or family member can move in with you for a while, so you have another pair of eyes and ears watching out for your safety, and to help you cope with daily life?

Sending you all my best wishes. Stay strong.

GypsyMoth Tue 28-Jun-11 08:01:18

I meant as police. Not much can be done, as you know. Bloody frustrating.
Is it still going on? Been following what's happened to you.

pretentiouswasteoftime Tue 28-Jun-11 08:02:01

Oh W2S - that IS awful. All I can say is that our local police are jumping on every little incident at the moment. I am getting masses of DV forms in sad but am glad they are being taken seriously. Glad you have some support - these bastards need locking up.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 08:03:21

It's not that simple, indeed Tiffany, but it is one more tool among others that can help protect women leaving abusive situations (I don't know your story but it sounds like you may have been there too). It's a tough step to take, and I think OP is right to boost any woman who is or feels threatened to consider it.

It's not simple, it's not a panacea, but it can help.

pretentiouswasteoftime Tue 28-Jun-11 08:05:04

No ILT - haven't been there thankfully. I can appreciate why people don't report - especially when it seems all the perpetrator gets is a slap on the wrist. I am so shocked by this case because it is close by.

Our local police (the town where I work) had a DV unit of just six officers including the detective sargeant). Needless to say their numbers have been swelled since this incident - more than doubled in fact and about time too. There are 3000+ incidents a year in this area.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 08:22:10

Sorry Tiffany just saw your second post.

want2sleep Tue 28-Jun-11 10:49:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMeow Tue 28-Jun-11 18:39:04

want2sleep, your story sounds horrendous sad what is going to change in 2/3 weeks that makes you think the abuse will step up a notch? I am in no way an expert on things like this, but I think you need to hound the police until they listen properly to you. I know resources are limited but surely they could allow someone to keep an eye on you/your house for a while?

I know it probably sounds like no use at all, but if you need a chat & a bit of light relief over the summer (or now!) then please feel free to PM me. I'll be around for most of the summer due to lack of funds so will be here if you need some support smile

want2sleep Tue 28-Jun-11 22:35:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sb6699 Tue 28-Jun-11 23:38:42

Good idea to post this - if I see a thread in relationships about a woman who is seeking to flee DV I always recommend that they speak to their local DV unit if they fear their partner's reaction.

Would also like to make it known that some Units will come and supervise while the woman actually takes her things and goes so that the situation doesnt kick off.

want2sleep - have you made your neighbours aware of the situation? Might be a good idea to have those around you keeping an eye out.

want2sleep Wed 29-Jun-11 00:07:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sb6699 Wed 29-Jun-11 00:22:37

I think I have been on a thread of yours.

Could you relocate? Not everywhere is like where you live and you would probably feel safer in an area where there is more of a community.

want2sleep Wed 29-Jun-11 00:34:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pretentiouswasteoftime Wed 29-Jun-11 11:35:10

So good to see people can support one another here. MN is fab for this smile

I just despair about the behaviour of some men. Am still so shocked by what this poor lady must have gone through.

Her poor daughter - how dreadful to lose your Mum in such a way. sad

I carry all kinds of stuff with the number of the local WA. Stuff which can be easily concealed in a bag or a shoe. Some stuff is not obvious with regard to the number either.

pretentiouswasteoftime Wed 29-Jun-11 11:40:56

want2sleep - your situation sounds horrendous and NOBODY should "bash you" for claiming HB in order to feel safe. In fact I would defend you to the ends of the earth in this regard.

Where are you? Any MNers around you who might be able to offer support?

want2sleep Wed 29-Jun-11 19:38:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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