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Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

(1001 Posts)
bigbuttons Tue 28-Jun-11 06:45:39

try againhmm

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 08:06:32

I'm going to copy some of the links that ItsGraceAgain put at the start of the NPD/abusive partner recovery thread, as they are useful for any newcomers to this thread too.

(may take some time as I am going off to work now)

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 08:13:35

Am I being abused?:

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Types of Abuse & Control Simplistic, but could be just what you need!
Wikipedia on Domestic Violence/Abuse Long, but informative.
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 08:15:25

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft The eye-opener.
"Controlling People" by Patricia Evans
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels I didn't like this book, but the principle is sound - if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie "How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 08:17:24

A blog that tackles the issues we are grappling with a lot of welcome levity:

So, you're in love with a Narcissist

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 08:18:50

Grace's introductory post on the recovery thread is also worth reading, re-reading, and memorising!

ribbonsandlace Tue 28-Jun-11 09:29:20

<pokes head back in door and marks place then makes another promise to self to come back again some day. And avoids HerHissy's foot on the way out> wink

Mouseface Tue 28-Jun-11 10:21:19

Hello ladies.

I have filled up the other thread and posted links to here so that anyone who goes over there knows where we are.

MrsDrOwen - I hope you find this thread. smile

Seriously - Your post about being in the car is exactly how my ex would be. EVERYTHING was my fault, his cheating, the fact that he raped and punched me, bit me, and called me fat and ugly was all my fault.

It's just awful to live like that. sad

Button - well done on getting the thread sorted in the end wink

MadameOvary Tue 28-Jun-11 10:27:44

Yay! New thread! Hello everyone smile

EricNorthmansMistress Tue 28-Jun-11 10:53:19

<pokes head round corner>

Not quite ready to post here but I have been reading. Thank you ladies x

Mouseface Tue 28-Jun-11 11:04:31

Hey Eric - there's no rush, just post when you're ready. smile

Morning Madame - things okay with you?

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 11:07:55

Wishing all you ladies strength and luck at the beginning of your new thread

On a quick side-note, does anyone else miss Grace lots and lots ? sad

bejeezus Tue 28-Jun-11 11:47:40

I still sometimes doubt that my relationship is abusive, but these passages from IMAMPNs 3rd link ring so so true;

A common misconception is that emotional abuse has to take the form of a partner yelling over every little thing, belittling or constantly criticizing a partner. Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgemental, "joking" insults, lying, repeatedly "forgetting" promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you up", and "revising" history

To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited

They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, you are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy

and destabilisation
and making me responsible for his happiness (which is completely elusive-tried to find it-can't!)

dementedma Tue 28-Jun-11 11:50:19

I'm here - found you all.

bejeezus Tue 28-Jun-11 11:52:36

before I met my stbxh I was very happy and relaxed and took life in my stride.

I have so much anger now, which I used to put down to the pressures of 'growing up'- having a mortgage, a responsible job, balancing the needs of a family, demands of small kids, not enough money etc etc.

I have been realising that whilst those things are stressful, your partner is supposed to share that burden with you (not add to it) and normal people enjoy life together despite those things- its a journey after all.

My anger comes out in all directions now, most regrettably as impatience with the kids.

I get more angry, the more I realise what he has done to me.

Do you think it will get less once he has gone?

Mouseface Tue 28-Jun-11 12:22:06

AF - I really do. I wish she'd come back. Can you PM and tell me what happened if you don't want it on here?

I miss WWIFN too. Didn't always agree with her but I liked her posts. And I liked her. Her personality came through in her posts.

Bloody MN bullies.

bejeezus - the anger is all part of the grieving process, the loss of YOUR life, the fact that you've wasted all of that time on him. It really is like a death. Whether it's the loss of yourself, your personality, friends, family, self worth or whether it's the loss of time...... it won't always get less, but it will always change.

You will go through so many emotions when he goes.

You will even miss him in time, but only the nice things, the good times, you'll be angry that he's ruined all of that, soiled the good memories.

Keep letting it out, keep posting and talking to us.

wizbitwaffle Tue 28-Jun-11 12:49:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbuttons Tue 28-Jun-11 12:59:35

who's WWIFN?

Mouseface Tue 28-Jun-11 13:02:39

WhenWillIFeelNormal - she had some really nasty comments said about her so left.

Absolutely bang out of order.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 13:21:09

mousey, yes will pm you

re. WWIFN, there is a thread been started just today that is crying out for her input (and there have been others)

it's a bloody shame sad

Mouseface Tue 28-Jun-11 13:30:23

It is AF sad

EricNorthmansMistress Tue 28-Jun-11 13:47:11

Bejeezus

I have been realising that whilst those things are stressful, your partner is supposed to share that burden with you (not add to it) and normal people enjoy life together despite those things- its a journey after all.

That was my lightbulb moment....

bigbuttons Tue 28-Jun-11 14:32:24

Thanks, yes I remember now. I posted on her thread, poor woman. Did she really get abuse on here? That's awful. She SO belongs in this group.

Someone mentioned on the previous thread about having short lived obsessions with things. I can really relate to that. Mine have been mostly exercise based and also sewing. I bought a machine last year and taught myself how to make quilts and clothes. I used to run for miles and miles cross the downs. the sense of freedom was immense. To be alone for hours, running, both in my head and physically. For those hours i was free as a bird.
Then I still use the internet to teach myself about things. I think it really is about control. When I felt I had none in other areas of my life at least I could run, learn to sew etc.

bejeezus "I have so much anger now, which I used to put down to the pressures of 'growing up'- having a mortgage, a responsible job, balancing the needs of a family, demands of small kids, not enough money etc etc."

I was also very very angry and yes the anger turned to long term depression. When I very first started going out with H I remember an old friend asking what had happened to me that I seemed to have become very angryshock. I couldn't see it of course. But yes the anger I feel towards H was all encompassing and it ate away at all areas of my life, it affected my relationships with every body. Now I'm 3 weeks into the ad's and I feel no more anger. It's interesting. I see things clearly and no longer feel that intense energy draining anger I felt before. I hate him and he disgust me but I'm not angry. Irritated, like I would be by a fly buzzing round my face and I keep swatting it away.
yesterday he was going on about some distant relative who might be related to some Earl somewhere, blah blah.
So i asked him the relevance of this information, would this person give us lots of money? No it seems not but it would be good for H to put this title on any future headed note paper of a any future ventures he will not ever embark on.
It was like the snoopy cartoon, blah blah blah. I had to stifle a yawn.

I spoke to someone from the mental health team yesterday and they will be sending me info about booking in with a counsellor in the area. Good news is it's a t greatly reduced rates, donations only, which is a relief. Speaking to the woman yesterday, telling her of some of the things that happen here i got the feeling that she thought what was happening was indeed abusive. I told her that I wanted someone to confirm this even though I know it I still o't quite believe it. Does that make sense.?.

Do any of your H's have delusions of grandeur?

Having gone through has really put the little things in my life into perspective. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Realisng I am coming through this hideous 15 years of my life reasonably intact and strong I can see that so much of what we chose to worry about just doesn't matter. Does that make sense?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 14:45:02

bigbuttons I am nodding away at the obsessive hobbies/control and anger/depression. Hadn't seen it in that light before. Love this thread for moments like these!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 15:00:24

Right, I need some support, and someone to knock some sense into me.

Support:
Just got a call from lovely Victim Support lady who has been following my case. My stbxh has finally been questioned. (background: I pressed charges in February as I was afraid for my life, following years of abuse culminating in the threat to kill me if I tried to leave. I am not in the UK btw, so police and legal procedures here are different to what you may know. It's all new to me as well).

So it's a little late in coming, shall we say. And the result? Stbxh has promised not to contact me "while the legal process is underway" (I am expecting a separation ruling from a family court mid-July, which will include the question of a 'no contact order'. I have been told by my lawyer that this is a long shot.) I know this man well, and I have suspected that he was being quiet until the ruling, and that if I am not granted the 'no contact order' he will see it as permission to resume harassing me. I feel that way all the more now following what VS lady has reported. Yes, I am reading a lot into a secondhand conversation. But I had finally managed to get over 4 months of anxiety and PTSD, and I DO NOT want to be plunged back in. Please say something to keep me sane!

She also said that stbxh wants his stuff, which is in our house, which I now reside in. I tried several times to give him his stuff, including 2 attempts at shipping it to his new address, but he rejected the delivery. Because it has to be on his terms, yadda yadda. In court, he made a big issue about how I was keeping him from his stuff, so this is another thing that the judge will rule on in mid-July. But now VS lady says he would like his stuff earlier.

I have no objection to him having his stuff. I want it out of my house. And I don't want to be a controlling arse like him. But bloody hell! I have done everything in my power to get his shit to him, and have thrown my hands up and left it for the court to decide. If I jump to this call now, I am just going to feel manipulated again. WWYD?

Am feeling let down overall: it took me a while to find a police officer who would take me seriously. The one I made my statement to did. He had been on a DV training course and it showed. He told me he would arrange it so that my stbxh would be seen by a magistrate in the penal system the day he was questioned by the police. Now, 4 months later, all that happens is that he gave his scout's honour not to bug me until July. Authorities really don't give a shit about women's lives, do they? Aaaaarrrggh.

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