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After separation, how long did it take you to ...?

(4 Posts)
yetama Mon 27-Jun-11 23:49:24

After being 6 years with a person who I thought he was "the one" (stupid me) you realised that all was a lie. At some point you realised that it was not working and decided to separate. Once outside that relationship you can see the light and you see how controlling you XP was in all aspects: emotionally, economically...
Suddenly you realised that your self-esteem, which used to be very good, has gone to the bin and you now need to work on it to bring it back. How do you do this?

Also you realise that your XP is still trying to control you in different ways even though we are not togheter anymore (we have a daughter) and you are not sure what to do because for the last 6 years it has been the rule. How do you stop this from happening?

I guess that my general question is how long does it take for all the wounds to heal?

I always thought that I was a clever person and I just can't understand how I haved cope with all that crap for so long without seeing it. Now my friends are telling me that they saw it a while ago. Why didn't they tell me anything? They say that they have all seen all the changes that have been happening in me. Why didn't they told me so I could have seen it earlier? I guess that they didn't want to hurt me (I am not blaming them, they are fantastic and I am getting plenty of support from them on this difficult time).

Can you spare your experiences please. Thank you

WillIEverBeASizeTen Tue 28-Jun-11 00:09:20

How far are you down the line? I split up with someone after 3 years, that was 2 years ago and I STILL think about him every day...

The real bad hurt lasted around 6 months, a lesser hurt from 6-12 months. I'm afraid everyone is individual and you cannot put a time limit on it.

Close friends and family don't want to be the bad guy, shattering all your hopes and dreams. You will slowly start clawing back your confidence and self esteem but I'm afraid it is only time that will do that. Trust me, you will feel better (I felt like I had real physical pain in my heart) give it time.


yetama Tue 28-Jun-11 00:17:07

Almost two months. I know it is not a lot but I really need to start doing something so I am not all the time thinking that he may have been right which I know deeply in my heart.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 07:50:35

Healing will happen at your own pace, there is no rule.

Just like your realisation of what your relationship truly was had to happen at your own pace: I too was angry that no-one had told me I was being abused, but tbh I would have fought the truth if it had been presented to me by someone else; I had to get there by myself. Your friends may have been aware that only you could work through your own denial and normalisation of bad behaviour.

You may get some help from reading these threads, and joining in the discussions with the people there:

support for those in emotionally abusive relationships

abusive partner recovery thread

We are all at various stages of thinking of leaving / leaving / recently gone / long gone from abusive relationships. And everyone is identifying their anger, and their low self-esteem, and helping each other on the road to a better future, one where we can feel whole and like ourselves again.

Good luck; you will get there.

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