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That Goddamned Man!

(15 Posts)
Blondie73 Mon 27-Jun-11 22:49:19

Apologies for the rant - I just feel so peed off! I know its relatively minor, but money's tight! Anyway.... My ex husband has our son (2) every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday tea time, so as usual I packed my boy's weekend bag, but as my ex never tells me what he's going to be doing with our son and I'm not allowed to ask (don't go there!) I have to try to second guess what to pack. Anyway, I just packed shorts and t shirts and sent him off to his dad's with the shoes he was wearing on Friday. These are tan suede loafers from Clark's that he's been wearing to nursery most days so its not like I'm completely precious about them, but they were around £30, so not cheap.

Anyway, when I went to pick him up from his dad's yesterday I discovered that he'd taken our boy down to the seaside which was nice.... however, he let him go in the sea with his shoes on! The shoes are now ruined - the leather has gone all stiff and they're full of sand! I'm so annoyed! I really want to say to him that he has to buy a replacement pair, but know this will cause a row! What do you think? I didnt get angry (well not on the outside!!) but did say to him, trying to be diplomatic, could you not have taken them off before he went in?? His reply was well its happened now, end of, so to speak (that was the gist anyway). God! I split with him for many reasons, one of them being having to be one step ahead of his twattishness and lack of forethought! and the fact that he breaks or ruins everything he touches!!! God!!!

WhoAteMySnickers Mon 27-Jun-11 23:15:35

Wow, you're good, sending a bag packed with a variety of clothes! Stop it. Your ex should/could keep clothes at his place.

And yes, I'd tell him that your son now needs a new pair of shoes. Are you going to spend until your child is 18 tiptoeing around your ex in case it causes a row, but quietly seething inside?

HerHissyness Tue 28-Jun-11 14:34:12

Come on! you can't take this Blondie!?

He needs to replace the shoes, they are his boy's shoes, and he didn't take them off.

Your DS is 2.... you have to deal with his shit of a man until DS is 18.. LAY DOWN THE LAW love! grin

You are not with this dickhead now, so CAUSE A ROW if you need to.
What is so bad about causing a row? is X violent? If so, then perhaps he needs more supervision over contact? If he raises his hand to you, call the police.

Blondie73 Tue 28-Jun-11 15:16:21

Hi - it will cause a row because money is this "thing"... I left him, so any "demands" (I would call them requests) are met with stroppiness.... I am struggling at the moment with losing my job/fear for the future/trying to do no contact with someone who will NOT leave me alone (sorry! Having a bad day with that today!!) and so rows with him, where he has always tried to "brow beat" me where money is concerned, is a big concern to me.

I know I need to learn to let it go, as we're not together anymore, but its something he's always done - tried to scare me financially if you know what I mean. He is or can be very aggressive - he has been violent/borderline violent in the past, and one of the reasons I left him (there were many reasons...) was the fact I never knew from day to day what side I would get from him when he would walk in at the end of the day. I would lay down the law, but it never works with him - it just makes him worse. A woman telling him what to do?? Heaven forbid!!

Thanks for confirming to me though that I'm not being petty.... Herhissyness - wish you could "lay down the law" for me!! Think you'd do a pretty good job!!! grin

HerHissyness Tue 28-Jun-11 15:52:36

<hands over baseball bat>

and a shovel

grin

Personally, i would recommend that this is the straw that breaks the camel's back for you. It is utterly ridiculous that you are not allowed to ask/plan for DS visits. he is 2 FGS, he needs to have things prepared for him.

TELL XH that he needs to be responsible for DS shoes too, and that if he is not prepared to give you the money, then he can take his DS to Clarks and get them replaced. No argument.

Put it in an email, so that you have proof if you need to, and then you can start compiling evidence that he is being deliberately combative and difficult.

He replies badly, you have proof. He shouts at you in person?, reply again by email saying I was disappointed that you felt it necessary to shout (and then insert all the crap he's spewed at you) and should this verbal abuse continue, that you will seek legal advice and transfer all contact to via a contact centre as you are concerned for the welfare of your son.

Seriously, you are out of that relationship, he has no right to tell you how to do a thing, he has no right to order you about, or to make you play guessing games, and certainly he has no right to wilfully ruin your DS clothes and not replace them.

don't give him access if he is behaving this irrationally. Remember YOU actually have all the power. If this toe-rag stops paying maintenance, you can go to the CSA, you can get help and advice.

he has no right to hold you and your DS to ransom.

was he always this abusive?

If DV was an issue, you need to contact Woman's Aid and get yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

HerHissyness Tue 28-Jun-11 15:57:13

OK so I read between the lines and he IS abusive.

OK so he will never change. You need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You also need to understand that HE is doing this because he WANTS to. Nothing to do with you, nothing you ever did/didn't do/say/think/are would have changed or will ever change this man.

He is a total loss, a complete write off.

You also need to have a serious think about whether you think it's a good idea for him to have contact with your DS. He will have vile warped views on women, and especially about you. You want your DS growing up to be a mini-me version of this bully?

You need support in RL, you need to get help from domestic violence services.

Please do this for you, do this for your DS, both of you are worth a million billion of this dreadful man, don't let him rule your life a second longer.

Take back your freedom. please

Blondie73 Tue 28-Jun-11 16:26:09

Oh HerHissyness.... envy and wishes I had your ballsyness!!

Blondie73 Tue 28-Jun-11 17:05:24

well.... I just did as you suggested HH - I emailed him and suggested nicely that he replace the shoes - he's now said he will let me know when he has some spare cash as he is having to stump up for a huge electricity bill from my usage of the tumble dryer!!!!! This is why I don't engage him or confront him - or try not to anyway!!!!! Goddamn Man!!!!!

Blondie73 Tue 28-Jun-11 17:07:17

oh and he doesnt consider himself violent - he says his aggression has always been in response to the way I treat him, act towards him, speak to him like shite.... etc etc etc etc I could go on.... but I wont! Arsewipe

HerHissyness Tue 28-Jun-11 19:59:05

I'm on the outside, I did 10 years in a violent and abusive relationship. You don't get this kind of ballsyness just anywhere!

Tell the bugger XH you will accept £15 extra this month and £15 then next. or if a £5 a week is better, then you will take that. But it has to be paid, and now, the boy has no shoes for nursery, really DOES need shoes NOW, and at 2yo, GOOD ONES.

If he can afford to take your boy to the beach and allow him to walk in the sea in his suede shoes, he can afford to replace them. Don't let him of the hook, for anything! nag the hell out of him. You'll learn to love it, cos you'll know it's annoying him.

Has he hit you?

Oh the 'in response to the way you treat him' bollocks? hmm that old chestnut? how original... angry

Honestly love, when you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, you will see that they ALL work to the same script, and actally, it removes all their power, and you see them all lumped in together, pathetic and needy and not man enough to be proper men.

THEN you can find the balls to stand up to them!

Get that book, it will give you so much power back!

HerHissyness Tue 28-Jun-11 20:02:55

You have treated this twat with kid gloves all this time and he treats you with disdain and a total lack of respect.

OK then, reverse it. Treat him like you know he deserves. Treat him the way he treats you. Tell him you tried the placating stuff for years, and it only made him worse. So you are showing HIM what it's like, then perhaps you will get through to him. You don't need to answer to him anymore, he is history, so you sure as hell are not being spoken to like that. He has to pay his way, he was told to leave because of his behaviour, so if he has to pay your bills and his own, then he has only himself to blame. Have no sympathy for him whatsoever.

This method REALLY worked a treat with my X, annoyed the CRAP out of him. Of course I got told I was being abusive towards him <snort> I told him I had barely started....

allegrageller Tue 28-Jun-11 20:12:12

agree entirely with Hissy and also think you should absolutely not be providing packages of clothes etc for him. He shoudl buy his own for ds when he is there.

I would ramp it up if he refuses to pay for more shoes and say 'as ds now has no wearable shoes I'll be dropping him to your place in his socks on Sat' and then he'll have to buy some. Git.

HerHissyness Tue 28-Jun-11 20:14:02

like it, like it!! he he he he! grin

allegrageller Tue 28-Jun-11 20:15:34

Hissy I have a long history with a similar useless sod ex so I know my strategies for this sort of thing...

omaoma Tue 28-Jun-11 20:23:19

Grr this guy is crap. I'd be so tempted to dig my heels in - but I don't have experience of abusive or verging-on-abusive game-players.

What, other than him having a go at you, are the possible comebacks for you just refusing access until you have the money for shoes and a general itinerary for weekends so you can prepare for them?

If any comeback for you is literally just that he will whine, well, you can turn that off - ignore calls/texts/emails until he's saying what you need to hear.

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