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what have I done wrong?.. need to write this down

(6 Posts)
et04 Mon 27-Jun-11 09:09:14

Ive name changed for this as im ashamed embarrased frightened confused.
H & I been together 10yrs married for 7. He was married prev & has 1 son who he sees on & off, long story but ex wife had affair then kept son from him, bitter divorce etc. Son now 14 & has made no attempt to see H despite H trying to maintain links. any how this situation is a long running saga in our life. H suffers depression/anxiety. We have 2 dd 5yrs & 5 wks.... H likes to have a few drinks but cant hold his drink and goes one of 2 ways, sleeps & doesnt bother me or totally foul abusive, last night he went off on one! `he had been out drinking on the Sat then last night he said he was away to offy for more beers, he had 4 cans in the fridge, but wanted more. I didnt respond to him as I thought he was trying to start an argugment so he didnt go to offy but downed the beers he had within the space of 30 mins. I knew he had gone into a mood by this stage so tried to avoid him. I was on the net & heard him shouting at dd1 to come & wash her hands, so I went up to see what was wrong at which he called me a controlling bastard???!!! <app because I 'didnt allow him any more beers'> I told him to wind his neck in & that I hadnt stop him getting more beers. He cleared off outside ranting & I putdd1 to bed. Later in evening I went to try & get chickens in & asked him to help, which he wouldnt so they were left out & at 10ish he went to try & get them & came back in like a bear, pushed/threw the pram out of the way, baby not in it, & sat down. I said "its as well she, dd2, wasnt in it" & went out to try again with the chickens. He followed me out to start an arguement, 'do you not think I knew she wasnt in the pram"? he said then lifted dd1s toy shopping trolley & threw it at me! it didnt hit me .. im in shock annoyed etc. I just had a c section 5 wks ago, i dont deserve to be treated like this but know atm im not strong enough to leave. sorry for the disjointed nature of this post but heads messed up cant think straight. I know ive probably brought this on myself.

SheCutOffTheirTails Mon 27-Jun-11 09:14:54

You haven't brought it on yourself.

He is a foul-tempered bully with a drink problem.

One day when you feel strong enough you'll get your girls away from this abusive bastard.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 27-Jun-11 09:15:50

You have not brought this on yourself. Never say that!

He is violent.

You and your DC deserve better.

Drink and depression are not an excuse: they do not absolve an adult of the responsibility for his own actions. And his actions towards you and the children is abusive.

buzzsore Mon 27-Jun-11 09:27:33

You haven't brought it on yourself. No-one deserves this. You might want to talk to Women's Aid.

One way forward if you aren't ready to split, may be to ask him to stop drinking (as he turns into an aggressive abuser when he's drunk). If he loves you and regrets what he has done, he'd commit to stop drinking and seek help for it, through his GP or AA. He needs to stop, not just 'moderate' his drinking. Alcohol makes depression worse, and it gives him the 'excuse' to become verbally and physically violent towards you.

If he doesn't regret his actions or blames you and won't commit to making any changes in his behaviour, then you have to consider there's no future, because he will do this again, and maybe next time he will hit you. This kind of aggression in the home is not a good or safe environment for your children.

HerHissyness Mon 27-Jun-11 12:19:33

He is an abuser, he is a drunk. He is using alcohol as an excuse to abuse you.

You need him OUT of your lives.

You need to read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. The book will show you clearly that you didn't cause this. nothing you ever said, didn't say, do or didn't do would have ever caused this, nor would it ever stop it.

He does this because he has given himself permission to do this to you. He feels entitled to treat you like this.

Basically it's insecurity, but instead of it making him want to be a better person, which he can't do, he has adopted the destroy her totally option, so he looks more powerful.

He has taken your power from you, slowly sneaking it away. Now you recognise what kind of creature he is, now is the time to call a halt to it all, to stop him riding rough shod all over you.

He won't change, he has no need to. The only chance you have actually, to make a point, is to kick him out or leave. It might be enough to make him realise what he's done (I doubt he will, but it is technically possible) If he doesn't shape up then you know where you stand and you are then safe and he is on the outside.

dollius Mon 27-Jun-11 15:15:01

His ex wife had an affair, left and then made it difficult for him to see his son. Well, I wonder why that was?
It is absolutely disgusting to treat anyone like this, let alone a five-week post-partum mother.
You did not cause this. He probably did this to his ex wife and is not repeating the pattern with you. It is common for men to pick on women like this just as they are at their most vulnerable - ie pregnant or recently given birth.

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