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Crazy husband sending me crazy! Any tips??

(15 Posts)
links Sun 26-Jun-11 22:12:10

Am at end of my tether so any advice appreciated. Have been married to verbally abusive and (until last year when I went to the police) physically abusive man for 10 years. To demonstrate how crazy hubby is... during my first pregnancy he refused to come to my aid during labour so I ended up giving birth alone in our living room. Something for which I will never forgive him. He has largely refused to have sex with me over the last ten years. We have two kids aged 6yrs and 7 months but concieved through artificial insemination (at home!). Even before I met him I had little self esteem but now I have ZERO self esteem. I want to leave so badly but have no job or savings. Even though I know this is stupid I hate the idea of my kids (and me!) having no money. I am going round in circles and can't seem to do anything practical to get out. I am snapping a lot at my eldest who is witness to many of our shouting matches. Even I have to admit that when not shouting at me in front them he is a good dad to the kids - although i know that's a contradiction. Whinge over, any practical advice please as to how I can start getting me and gorgeous kids out of this hell hole??? My family are useless despite knowing everything that has gone on - mother is pro-marriage-at -all-costs and all-single sisters always resented me getting married in first place! LOL! THANK YOUx

PacificDogwood Sun 26-Jun-11 22:22:35

No advice, but bumping for you.

Someone with experience in this kind of situation will be along, I am sure.

Start photocopying important paperwork (birth certificates, bank statements, house deeds etc)? Do you have a 'running away fund'?
Any family/friends you and your kids could stay with in the short run?

I really have no idea, but what an awful situation you find yourself in sadangry.

DontGoCurly Sun 26-Jun-11 22:28:06

I am so sad to hear what you've gone through. I can't believe he let you give birth alone. You must get away from him. He sounds evil.

loopylou6 Sun 26-Jun-11 22:31:08

Artificial conception? Really? Why did you allow this?

HerHissyness Sun 26-Jun-11 22:43:14

living under a bridge is better than living with that man.

If, no WHEN you leave, yes it might be tricky for a little while, but you know that there are a shed load of agencies to help you.

Women's Aid, refuge, shelter, CAB, to name but a few.

In a very short time, you will see how wonderful it is to live as a free person, heck to live as a human being!

You have no job, or savings. Most abused women don't. they are financially abused as well as physically and mentally abused. You will not be the first person to walk through their doors in dire need of help, and sadly won't be the last.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

You have posted on here, you need help to find the courage to go, we can help with that at the very least.

Can you pack an emergency bag today? get all documents, birth certificates, photos of the DC, bank statements, utility bills, H wage slips, insurances, everything you can, get some clothes for you and the DC and stash it somewhere if you can.

Go and see the CAB, tell them what is happening and ask for help to get out. call Womens Aid, they will walk you through this too.

What he is doing to you is inhumane. If you were a pet, we could call the RSPCA. Please love, pick up the phone. Ask for advice. You can and must do this.

HerHissyness Sun 26-Jun-11 22:45:14

Have you seen This thread?

links Sun 26-Jun-11 22:47:02

loopylou 6 - I allowed this because I was desperate for children and didn't have the brains, guts or confidence to walk away from what was a rubbish situation. I have made massive mistakes but I don't want my kids to pay for them. I am in my early 40s and it's like I'm just waking up from a bad dream. No excuses BUT... had quite a dodgy background growing up so never really had any self esteem. But don't want my kids to end up like me...

loopylou6 Sun 26-Jun-11 22:55:25

Sweetie, please leave sad there's such an amazing world out there for you to enjoy, the here and now is not normal, not right. You deserve so much more.

DontGoCurly Sun 26-Jun-11 22:55:41

You DO have brains, guts and confidence You've been abused and all the stuffing has been knocked out of you temporarily but it can and WILL come back.

links Sun 26-Jun-11 22:56:26

HerHissyness - THANKS for advice. Weird having people recognise him as 'awful' too. Sometimes you think it's not as bad as you're making out - if that makes sense. Am crying as I reply but also good to be listened to - at least over the internet! I am going to DO something though I have read over other threads and know I have to tread carefully at this time. Asked for a divorce this afternoon which I know isn't clever as it alerts him to what my plans are. Will try to keep my mouth shut until I get advice from relevant agencies. Just snapped as he was shouting at me in front of kids again. Will start planning tomorrow. Agree anything has to be better than this. Thank you to all replyingxxx

HerHissyness Sun 26-Jun-11 22:57:12

Honey, I was 43 yesterday, I spent the last 10 years with an abuser. I got rid of him in February.

You can do this, you can get out, you HAVE to! for your DC, they can't live like this FGS!

You need to read Lundy Bancroft Why Doe He Do That, it will show you that you had nothing to do with any of this. that this man chose to do this to you and nothing you could have done, nor will do not not do will ever change him.

Another day spent trying to reason with him, is another day wasted.

I can't tell you how much better I feel, in only a short while.

Sure to begin with you feel just so idiotic, but soon, and with the help of that book, you see who was the guilty party!

Please do this, please get out, you are too young to resign yourself to this.

links Sun 26-Jun-11 22:58:14

THANKS to EVERYONE REPLYING. Feeling very loved at mo!xxx

HerHissyness Sun 26-Jun-11 22:59:37

I promise you, when you live like this NOTHING be worse. It can only be better.

don't be afraid, there are many many people waiting for you on the outside of this that will be able to help you.

I heard a lovely analogy today. Us on the outside shouting in at you in your prison! I wish I'd have had someone to shout in to my prison!

You can hear us, can't you? we are all here! willing you to find your way out!

HerHissyness Sun 26-Jun-11 23:01:00

You are loved. Your DC love you, and we here love to hear women taking the brave steps to freedom.

You are a great woman links!, you can be even greater when you are out! Imagine how much better life you will be able to give your DC when you are free?

HerHissyness Mon 27-Jun-11 15:54:12

Links, how is today going? you OK?

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