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He has ruined our family life, but why am I still feeling sorry for him?

(7 Posts)
thompson369 Sun 26-Jun-11 20:22:45

I've recently (eventually) separated from my husband. After dd2 was born I went back to work full time and he gave up work to care for the kids. Financial reasons were the main driver tbh but I was happy with it. That was a year ago. All gone badly wrong since then he basically started taking drugs. I sussed him out reasonably quickly and a few months of hell kicked off, him promising to stop and me turning the house upside down and proving that he was still doing it. He then got arrested for a drugs related offence which means he may end up in prison when it goes to Court later this year.
We split in May, after many times of me kicking him out prior to that but then letting him come back.
Luckily my family and friends are great and know
everything, my mum is my rock and basically enables me to continue working by helping with the kids. He helps too, been having treatment and says he is clean but who knows. I only let him look after them during the day (he only ever took stuff at night) or at his mum's house ( who of course is mortified by all of this).
I can't see us ever coming back from this, the kids are only 3 and 1 so young enough not to ever really remember living here. I just feel so sad, a year ago I felt so lucky to have a lovely family and a good job, now I feel so bitter towards him as it is all ruined. we had a family holiday Devon booked for July (been booked ages ago), I just wish this were all a bad dream and he was coming with us. I even wonder whether he should come for the kids sake - and if I'm honest to give me a hand with them when we are there.
I don't know what to do and was just wondering whether any of you lovely ladies have any words of wisdom to help me?
Thanks all x

buzzsore Sun 26-Jun-11 20:41:35

It sounds like you're on the brink of slipping into the cycle of letting him back again. Think about the reasons why you took him back so many times before, and the outcome of all those times. Did you have him back because you felt sorry for him? Because it seemed easier? Because he swore he'd change (but didn't)?

Don't take him on holiday - it's giving confusing messages to the children and to him. That is, unless you're seriously considering retreading that path (which it sounds like you don't want). Take a friend or your mum instead.

buzzsore Sun 26-Jun-11 20:43:08

And of course you feel sad for him and for yourself, it's not what should have happened - it's like a bereavement in some ways - the life together you should have had.

thompson369 Sun 26-Jun-11 20:48:49

I don't think I want him back, it's been horrific. You are right about the kids too, it would confuse them if I let him come. I guess I just have to get used to doing things alone, like plenty of others too. I think I'm too sentimental at times. Thanks x

buzzsore Sun 26-Jun-11 21:13:52

I'm sorry, it's a very painful time sad. It's not easy - but it'll get better.

DontGoCurly Sun 26-Jun-11 22:30:27

Could you bring your Mam on holiday instead?

thompson369 Tue 28-Jun-11 20:41:49

I think that is what I will do, thank God for my parents!

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