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Forgiving and forgetting - or not

(8 Posts)
Lorenz Sun 26-Jun-11 09:23:06

So most of our OH's have done something shit in the past. If you're still with them - do you truely forgive them? do you often think back to what they did and get all angry about it again?

catwalker Sun 26-Jun-11 09:44:25

Still with my dh 18 months or so after discovering about a brief fling he'd had 2 years prior to that (included one visit to a hotel for sex).

The angry outbursts and the really raw pain and frustration seem to have passed. He continues to fall over himself to make amends and find ways to show how much he loves me. We muddle along reasonably well. He's a lovely man and a good father; we've been together for nearly 20 years and I have no intention of splitting the family unit over one period of madness. I trust him never to do anything similar again and I believe he caused himself as much pain and damage as he caused me.

However .... I will never forget and I will never forgive. He's not the man I thought he was and that makes me feel incredibly sad and a bit empty inside.

Hassled Sun 26-Jun-11 09:47:53

I think forgiveness is surprisingly easy. Ex-H had an affair (many many years ago - I've since remarried) and I could forgive him completely. Our relationship was shit, neither of us was very nice to each other, he was unhappy and a young pretty girl made advances. I can see why it happened.
What I couldn't do, though, was forget about it. It haunted me. Hence he's my Ex - that and all the problems that lead to the affair.

catwalker Sun 26-Jun-11 09:50:11

I'm not really sure what forgiving means.

kayah Sun 26-Jun-11 09:55:44

Didn't forgive betraying my trust.

pain he caused me by starting a relationship behind my back has passed but XI feel I can't trust him again 100% however I have no choice as he sees the kids and has sole charge of them at times

Ragwort Sun 26-Jun-11 09:58:28

I agree with catwalker - I don't go over and over it in my mind anymore(happened 12 years ago) but I feel I can never trust him fully and exactly as catwalker says, I am disappointed in his behaviour and feel quite numb about our marriage - we don't have the relationship I thought we had.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 26-Jun-11 12:57:08

It was quite a relief once I'd finally moved away from XH to remember a number of things in the past I'd never been quite able to forgive him for, and realise that now we were split up I didn't have to forgive them. Waste of energy to simmer with resentment so many years on, but at least I can acknowledge that they would have been worth a good simmer. Instead I had had to push them to the back of my mind and get on with life. No more. If something triggers a memory these days I can just think "You bastard" quite casually, and forget about it again. No analysing, no justifying. It was a shit thing to do, end of.

Forgiveness is over-rated in some circumstances.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 26-Jun-11 12:58:08

ps As far as I know, he was never unfaithful. But there were quite enough other offences to be going on with.

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