Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
more lies....prostitutes(103 Posts)
I am in two minds even about posting as I am so embarassed. I had posted earlier thread about finding out husband had had affair at Easter. Got advice from here and trundled on. Things seemed to be better then they had been for ages though he was not as remorseful as I felt he would have been.
cut to the chase..I have found out he has been using prostitutes over the last 3 years minimum (20-30 of them?) mainly during the working day, some local to us, while travelling abroad and even fitting them in (excuse the pun) en route from a meeting at someones office back to work. Sometimes they were not individuals. They are all pre booked significantly in advance (the ones abroad a couple of weeks before he travelled). He has definitely liasied with some since I found out about the affair although he says that he never met up with them. However he was looking up the details of massage parlours for the country he is travelling too in a few weeks (though he says this was just web surfing for "something to do"!) They are all in their 20's and by the look of their "pages" look better then I have done at any point in my entire life.
He said it meant nothing. He has been really stupid. He loves the children (and me-yeah right) He wants another chance. He knows he has a problem. It will NEVER happen again. etc blah blah He appears very remorseful. But I am never going to have piece of mind am I? Is there any way past this?
I have been in a previous emotionally abusive reationship and I am pretty sure the way I think about things is not the "norm". If I tried hard enough I suspect I could even normalise this behaviour. Am I nuts even to be considering a way past this? Is there even one poster on here that would be considering this?
Obviously (my opinion) he needs some sex therapy (and I don't means the type he has been getting!). What shall I do? The only thing I do know is I cannot just gloss over this. Even if I want us to get past this (do I?) should he move out? There is noone I can talk to in RL.
I sound light hearted and jovial? Funny what fronts we can put on is n'it? I am dying inside.
I would not be considering a way past this, I'd be considering the opening hours of my nearest GUM clinic. I'm sorry no1 How absolutely horrible. YOU can get past this, though. I doubt it will will be with him in tow.
This isn't a one off or a drunken mistake. Its a life choice he's made and he must have realised it was a problem and would jeopardize his marriage and relationship with his children.
For me, there wouldn't be anyway to get past this. I would have to ask him to leave. Very sad for you and the children. . But if you want to give him a chance you could get him to try therapy, couples counselling etc - but I agree, can't see how you would trust him again.
My initial reaction is to say to you to put all his stuff in bin bags, chuck them out on the street and change the locks. He is no kind of role model to have in your kids lives, and if you stick with him, neither are you.
How could you ever trust him again? Surely you finding out about the affair at Easter would have been the perfect time to confess about the prostitutes too? Yet, he didn't. Hoped to get away with it and continue his grubby, deceitful little pastime.
Maybe, he does have a problem, and maybe with help he can change but, I'm afraid, along with the affair, the damage to your relationship IMHO is beyond repair. If it was me, I wouldn't think twice about ending it now. I'm really sorry OP - my heart goes out to you
So sorry for you and this awful situation.
It's not that I think, or would ever want to advise, that you or anyone should leave their marriage. it's not that I don't doubt he is has a problem and that it's not beyond the realms of possibility that your relationship can be saved and that you could stand by him for 'better or for worse'.
It's that HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He will use prostitutes again. If he has used them ('used' is the word - yuck) for three years, it's a compulsion/addiction or (even worse?) a habit he enjoys so much and has done for so long that please do NOT believe his 'it will never happen again'.
For this reason, look ahead at the years stretched out before you. At some point you will leave him - when you've found out the second, third, fourth betrayal. So why not just start thinking about leaving now and saving yourself years of heartache?
I think your instinct that this behaviour cannot be normalised is absolutely right.
Personally if dh or I went astray even once it would be a total dealbreaker and we both know that. The idea of him doing what your dh is doing is inconceivable to me.
You have to get rid, I'm afraid. This isn't one of those once ina lifetime drunken mistakes, your husband is repeatedly planning to commit adultery and you clearly can't accept it and nor should you have to.
Some peoples aptitude for lying long term floors me. Bastard.
Can you get past it? Do you actually want to? That has taken some planning,anticipation & deception not to speak of the finances & risk. It is easy to say get rid (I've just found out my h is a liar of some standing too).
Is there 1 person in rl you can confide in,who can support you? My worry is when you keep it secret too you enable the lies but this is a v delicate situation so if not just keep posting on here. I feel for you,I mean that very seriously indeed.
There is no one that is not closely involved with both of us - our parents? siblings? friends? How can I tell them? Even my few girlfriends come in contact with us; I am not sure I am ready to risk for one friend passing the information around everyone.
"Some peoples aptitude for lying long term floors me". What is so generally worrying is and I really mean it you would NEVER think he is capable of this. He is one of those men who everyone likes, the real stalwart of a group. The fact that he has behaved like this means (in my opinion) that any man could. Talk about totally lose my faith in mankind.
This isn't even about trust.
This man has been buying women for his personal gratification on an industrial scale. What does that tell you about how he views women? What does that say about how he views you?
This man has a very warped - and dangerous, imo - idea about sex and about how men and women relate to each other.
I would not be looking for a way past this, I would be looking for a divorce.
Bloody hell - you poor thing. Honestly, ditch him. As for telling people, you don't have to if you'd rather not. Surely the affair is reason enough? You could just say you've tried to repair things but it just isn't working.
I'm not going to get into the whole "buying women for sex" thing or what it reveals about his attitude to women in general but his attitude towards you stinks.
What gives him the right to behave like this?
Having said that, I would tell everyone what he's done and shame him but maybe that's just me...
I think you should tell people what has happened - when you are ready - because it will help you to accept it yourself and, frankly, why should it be you that is considered to have ended this relationship. He has done this through his unacceptable, appalling and completely revolting behaviour.
You are in shock right now, but the fact is that most men do not think it is acceptable to visit prostitutes and do not view women in this way.
You don't have to put up with this at all. Belle may be terribly bored by the "buying women for sex" aspect of all this, but you should think about it carefully because, actually, it goes to the heart of your relationship.
no1, you poor poor thing. I am so very sorry and sad and angry for you and your children. You must be devastated beyond words. But you will come through this and your life be happy and peaceful once again.
You gave your husband a chance when you learned of his affair - you forgave him which was very generous and loving of you. But he has betrayed your forgiving nature in the most horrible and deceitful of ways. He is not a man of honour or compassion and he deserves no place in your life now.
You must get yourself checked for STDs. The gum clinics are not at all scary places so don't be afraid. And it is not you who should be embarrassed at this situation, the embarrassment and shame lie squarely on the shoulders of your husband.
How did you find out about his use of prostitutes? And how old are your DCs?
Whether he has a sex addiction problem is not your issue, it is his and it is entirely up top him now, whether he decides to get some therapy or not. Your responsibility is towards your children and yourself now. To find the courage to end the marriage and to spend time alone, enjoying life again and enjoying raising your children.
FWIW, my exH had used prostitutes, though he denied it vociferously over and over again. I chose to believe him - he was very charming and insistent etc. But when he finally left us he went to find all the sex he could in Thailand, where he remains. He called me some choice names by text - 'shrivelled up' was one delightful term and of course the girls he uses over there are all way younger and prettier than me.
But it is he who is shrivelled up - a sad mad with an ugly mind and a shrivelled up soul who hates women and is incapable of loving his three children.
Please be strong now. Bin this sordid creature, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover from the shock and grief of such discoveries. Life can only get better without him poisoning it.
I think once a man gets over the initial mental hurdle and stigma attached to using prostitutes, and manages to get away with it unscathed, he is highly likely to do it again and again, and become quite addicted to it. Especially if he is paying for 'quality' high class 'escorts' rather than picking up scabby, drug-addled desperate street-walkers. If he has lots of opportunity to travel away from home then it is going to be impossible to make him stop.
I don't think trying to 'cure' him with sex therapy will work. I think you need to ask yourself whether you can live a life asking no questions and getting no lies, or whether it needs to be ended now.
Apart from anything else, just imagine how much money this must have cost over the years. It's incredibly selfish behaviour on every level.
I have never advised anyone to leave their marriage before -I know what living with split families is really like- but you really need to leave. I'm sorry, but you deserve much more respect than this. Do get to a GUM clinic & do surround yourself with support from family & friends & ask him to leave. I would get HIM to have to tell your DC he is leaving because he's made serious mistakes & is sorry. Maybe then he'll begin to understand what he's thrown away by totally ignoring his marriage vows & treating extramarital sex like you are booking a haircut.
dollius I'm not bored with the buying women for sex aspect - I can rant for ages on that one. I meant that I wasn't going to bring it into my comment, not that it wasn't relevant.
I thought your post was spot on - I wouldn't have been so succinctly eloquent.
Personally, I don't buy in to this 'sex addiction' nonsense. It's just a bloody excuse. What a pig. Aside from if you forgive him or not, or love him or not,you can't have ANY respect for him after that, and if you don't respect him in any way, that might be difficult.
How can he possibly even ask for forgiveness.
Sorry for being snippy Belle. I just often find with these threads that people concentrate on the cheating aspect, rather than the warped-view-of-women aspect, and it really bothers me.
I think there is a world of difference between an affair and visiting prostitutes. I would try to get past the first - in my opinion, it is entirely possible for a good and decent man to make an error of judgement and think he has fallen in love with someone else. However, I would not be able to get past the second because I think it means the man has views of women which would not be compatible with my expectations of a relationshp - on any level at all.
I think what I mean is I could respect the reasons for an affair (depending on what they were) and I could continue to respect a man who had an affair (provided he did it for reasons not just linked to sexual gratification), but I could never have respect for a man who buys women for his personal gratification - as if his gratification is so much more important than all the pain and suffering that so many of these women go through in the god forsaken world that is the sex industry.
The thought of such men coldly fucking these mostly vulnerable and desperate women for nothing more than kicks just makes me want to vomit, really. If I had a daughter who ended up doing this, I would move heaven and earth to help her and I would actually want to kill the men making use of her. I don't get the same strength of feeling when it comes to a man having a consensual affair with a woman who is free to choose.
Sorry for the essay!
Again, I completely agree with you. I was even going to say something similar. I could probably understand/forgive an affair. I could never forgive someone paying for sex.
Nothing much to add except I feel for you.
At the end of the day this man took money away from your children to use women. You may not have felt the cash but it won't be a small amount.
Regardless of anything else the attitude that women can be bought is not something I would like being passed onto my children in any way shape or form. That kind of mindset leaks into behaviour in many different ways even if he doesn't think it does. IMO he doesn't bloody think anyway.
This is not being a good parent.
No1, I'm sorry but you will never have peace of mind being married to this man and imo you can never get past this - I certainly could not. Many couples can overcome an affair or a one-off, but this man has systematically used women for sex for years.
You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You have done nothing wrong. I personally think telling people would be a good thing to do - your marriage has fallen apart and the people who love you most will want to support you. Those who judge you don't love you and you don't need them in your life. I have found that out of bad comes good, and one of the good things to come out of crap is knowing who the good people are.
Please get yourself to a GUM clinic - God alone knows what he might have passed on to you. Keep posting and please listen to UA. She has come through something similar with amazing grace. You will get lots of great advice on here.
Stay strong and a big hug xxx
Can someone tell me when, exactly, did serial adultery become "sex addiction"???
This man has put you, the mother of his children at risk of AIDS, herpes, Warts, etc..etc.. etc.. and you are wondering about therapy. He doesn't give a shit about the consquences of his actions have have on you and this is totally different from a one off affair and therefore like the others have said I think you should get him to leave. Be nice about it, you don't want anomosity (can't spell that this am) but be firm. Never have sex with him again. Get him to leave. Call a solicitor asap.
What ohanotherone just said!
Get yourself to an STD clinic asap
Join the discussion
Please login first.