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What do I do now?

(15 Posts)
annieother Sat 25-Jun-11 20:56:31

Sorry for long post - hope this makes sense. May not be able to check back often this evening but will definitely be back tomorrow. All advice and perspectives would be gratefully received.

H kicked the bathroom door in earlier this evening when I was in there with DS (20 wks).

He'd come home drunk which is unusual as he is usually teetotal. He was cross with me because I was pissed off that he hadn't told me that he didn't want any tea. He kept going on about how I had made a stupid assumption that he would want some tea (meal planning is important at the mo in our house due to financial situation). I asked him to stop several times and he wouldn't. As I was about to bath DS and had him in my arms I closed the bathroom door and locked it. I hate him shouting at me when DS is there or when I am holding him.

So then he kicked in the door. Lock went flying off and took a chunk of door frame with it. Door and chunk of door frame didn't hit DS or I - but they could have if we had been near. I grabbed DS and my phone and went and stood next to the front door but H wouldn't stop shouting at me so I said I would leave and I threatened to call the police. I didn't call the police - was afraid of the fuss I think. Not sure what I mean but I hesitated. He was still going at me. So I walked out. Was on the street with DS in my arms with nothing - no shoes, no keys, no baby bag - nothing. I walked round the block and didn't know what to do. When DS started crying (for a feed and bed) I rang the door bell and went in. Ignored more verbal from H. Fed DS, put him to bed.

H has gone to sleep in the spare room saying that I should leave - that if I threaten something like that, I should go through with it.

But what do I do now? If he wakes up tomorrow and eventually says sorry and I write this off as a one off, am I just setting myself up for worse things to come for me and more importantly for DS?

annieother Sat 25-Jun-11 20:59:21

What I meant when I said I hesitated is that I know that phoning the police would have been a point of no return. Marriage over - no question. From both our points of view.

BlueViolet Sat 25-Jun-11 21:01:47

Sweetheart I think you're already at the point of no return.

Blondie73 Sat 25-Jun-11 21:12:46

Answer to your last sentence... yes, I think you are setting yourself up for worse things to come - for both you and your son... sorry. If he's usually teetotal what caused the drinking tonight?

HerHissyness Sat 25-Jun-11 21:14:31

Him kicking off because you DID make him tea was past the point of no return.

Him shouting at you, not stopping when you asked him to is past the point of no return.

Him kicking the door in is WAY past the point of no return.

So this is what you do.

He's sleeping now? great, You call Woman's Aid and you find out how they can help you. Call the police now if you want him removed, get them to see the damage he has done to the door and tell them that he is a danger to you and your DC.

Failing that, you pack an emergency bag, money, all certificates, photos, all documentation referring to bills, banks, his payslip details if possible, everything you can with a change of clothes for you and the baby, inc nappies etc etc etc. You find out where you can go, Woman's Aid or Refuge can help with this (links in the information at the top of this thread) or you go to a relative.

If you can go today, great.

If you own the home, you can put a charge on the property to prevent him selling it from under you, in the case of violence, you may be able to get a removal order and get him taken from the house so you can live in it. My advice is to get to the CAB and find out what your rights are, and spend the immediate time finding out your legal position, your right to benefits, help etc so you know what you are looking at.

You can not stay in a situation like this. It's dangerous. Please get help and get out.

tazmin Sat 25-Jun-11 21:15:11

what would you like to happen

annieother Sat 25-Jun-11 22:24:23

We've been married for just over two years. I would like us to stay together. But bloody hell, what if I had been standing with DS near the door. That thought pretty much sums up what a utter twat he has been today.

Thank you for the advice above. Emergency bag is packed and I have somewhere to go to. I'll try to talk to him tomorrow but I don't expect to get anywhere. If he doesn't understand that kicking in a door on the other side of which is a small baby is a totally out of order then there is no hope of reasoning with him. But feel very scared about leaving. Hope I don't bottle out.

Should I report what happened to the police? What would happen if I did?

Have taken photos of damage done to door. What else should I do?

HerHissyness Sat 25-Jun-11 23:02:10

Honey you need to get out ANYWAY, to make a point if nothing else.

There is a thread here somewhere - It's happened again - read it.

he slapped her, she didn't react as best she might have done, and he has now hit her again.

This guy got drunk - perhaps to even deliberately give himself permission to kick off at you, so he could blame the drink and let himself off the hook.

I would say that you need to get out, and not go back until he has addressed and admitted his issues, apologised and been genuinely remorseful, and been sober for a good long time, so that you can try to regain trust.

My fear is that any time he wants to kick off and have a pop at you, he'll have a skin full, come home and beat the crap out of the house, and then eventually YOU.

You need to nip this in the bud now, by cracking down on it in a total and comprehensive way. state that you have a zero tolerance to that behaviour and that IF you decide to carry on with him, that if he ever, and you mean EVER does that again that you will call the police and have him removed. permanently.

At the moment you tell him that you need space and time to consider your next options as you are not prepared to live with a violent drunk and it may be that you leave or he does, but that is how serious it is RIGHT NOW.

By stating your massive intent this early on, you may be able to stop any further re-occurrence.

You need to remind yourself though that this IS a one shot situation. Any more drink fuelled aggression and he is history, and he'll be seeing his child through a contact centre.

You are only married 2 years. This nasty situation out of the blue worries me greatly.

Is there any other aspect of his behaviour that has upset you, worried you, frightened you over the time you have been together? Is he supportive of you, helpful, involved in your family?

HerHissyness Sat 25-Jun-11 23:03:02

Is he still asleep? can you go now?

that'd give him something to think about when he comes to?

HerHissyness Sun 26-Jun-11 11:18:08

annie? how are things today?

SackRussell Sun 26-Jun-11 19:09:47

bumping also to see how Op is

annieother Mon 27-Jun-11 08:35:19

Thanks for thinking of me and sorry for not coming back sooner. I'm fine. DS has been very unsettled in all this heat and I haven't been able to get 5 mins to myself.

Spoke to Women's Aid yesterday who were very very helpful and pointed me in the direction of a local support group if I need it and also told me how you would go about reporting this kind of thing to the police. I'm planning on speaking to the police today - hoping to make a statement and have something on the record iyswim.

With regards to DH, he apologised when I threatened to go to the police but I am very worried about his respose which was essentially "I'm sorry but you made me do it". Now I think back to previous arguments whenever he apologises for saying something nasty, he says sorry but that I provoked him. Its this pattern of not taking responsibility for his actions - for always blaming them on me - that frightens me.

Things are calm now but I need to understand what happens when I leave. Should I speak to a solicitor? Will get all the paperwork mentioned above into one place as a start. We have seperate bank accounts. What else should I do?

buzzsore Mon 27-Jun-11 08:52:33

Yes, speak to a solicitor and it's good that you're intending to talk to the police. You're right that his inability to accept responsibility and blaming you for "making him" do it are not good signs at all. Keep safe.

HerHissyness Mon 27-Jun-11 11:45:23

OK, so now you have the whole picture. He kicks off, you threaten him with the police, he says sorry, but you deserved it.

This is how it's going to be from now on annie, he IS now fully entitled to mistreat you, beat you when he feels justified and it's all your fault.

EXCEPT THAT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

Go and get advice either from a solicitor or from the CAB, get yourself up to speed with your rights, and what help you may be entitled to. Going to the police is a brilliant idea, it will help protect you.

Please call Women's Aid for some support and some pointers too.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 27-Jun-11 12:02:51

Its this pattern of not taking responsibility for his actions - for always blaming them on me - that frightens me.

It should frighten you: that reasoning on his part can excuse any action, however much it may hurt you or DC. Basically, he has admitted to you that his anger trumps your feelings, your boundaries, your needs, your safety.

It's good that you have separate bank accounts. Do you have income of your own? A friend you can call or go to if anything else happens to scare you? A checklist of things to stash away/do before you go? (there's a thread on that here, but WA could also advise).

I need to understand what happens when I leave

What elements specifically are you unclear about? H's reaction? Legal issues? Lots of us on MN have prior experience of this; it would help to know what your specific questions are to get tailored answers.

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