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At the end of my tether

(8 Posts)
Rosierubies Sat 25-Jun-11 19:30:31

Hi, I'm a bit nervous as I have not posted before but I need some advice. My husband and I have been together for thirteen years and we have four dc's ds11 dd8 ds4 & ds12weeks. Dc4 was a suprise, a genuine shock (the pill and condoms with no accidents we were aware of) In the end despite his loudly expressed wishes I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy (we have had a chaotic history which contributed to my decision, it was the right decision for me). He was miserable and cross during the pregnancy and in week 1 said he couldn't love your youngest ds, he now says he loves him very much but remains sulky and cross. I can't live like this, he says I've ruined his/ours/our other kids lives. Apparently I can't cope because I've asked him to help around the house on the rare occasion he's home before nine, and refuses to consider work opportunities abroad (something we both want to do and I'm happy for him to do ones under a year on his own) because we have 'so many children'. I'm so fed up, i would like him to leave, I feel we would be better parents apart as when I'm with him I constantly feel guilty for 'ruining his life' which makes me sad and snappy. I do love him and understand his feelings but I won't spend the rest of my life apologising. Advice please!! Ps he is refusing to get a vasectomy which I am desperate for him to have, I'm a migraine sufferer so a lot of hormones are unsuitable and with this many children we need something foolproof!

rookiemater Sat 25-Jun-11 19:35:13

Wow. So you got pregnant - presumably he had a part to play in this and he blames this totally on you.
Neither of you want any more children but he refuses to get a vasectomy.
He sounds like a right catch.
Would he consider counselling as with so much going on in your lives I can't see how you can work out a solution between the two of you.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 25-Jun-11 19:35:48

First you could refuse sex until he gets the snip since he is so adamant he doesn't want any more babies.

Secondly, presumably you discussed all options and you made it clear you wanted to have the baby. Does he think you missed the pill on purpose?

You need to say to him that life is about choices and if he can't live with yours then he needs to think very carefully about things as you will not be apologising for doing nothing wrong.

nickschick Sat 25-Jun-11 19:38:07

Give it time.
You dont have 4 children one being only very new at 12 weeks old just to split up cos theres heat in the kitchen.
The problem with unexpected babies (my 3rd ds was one) is that they cause added stress,planned for babies cause stress but unplanned ones well they are in a class of their own.
I used to apologise but now I think what the hell im bloody glad i had ds3 and hes the best mistake i ever made and theres not a child loved more than him smile it just takes time for everyone to get used to.
Give yourself a break and just think day to day ....ok!

Rosierubies Sat 25-Jun-11 19:51:24

Theoriginalfab- that has been said already, problem is he knows I don't really mean it (as in my ideal situation is for us to be together and happy not apart).

He sounds horrible from what I've said (just read it back) but obviously he has his good points; good father, great work ethic (positive spin on works all the time) and we make each other laugh. But feeling bad all the time is not how I want to live and not how I want my little one (who is fabulous) to feel, kids do pick up on these things. He's even started saying how much easier it would have been if we'd just had the older two...what's wrong with him, our kids are amazing, we are so lucky to be fertile and to have healthy children. We could all live in the land if what ifs....had I not met him I would now be married to dr who driving round in the bloody tardis!

Sorry a bit upset and dc have inundated me with dr who.

He is a massive self pitier and may never let this be fair he has had bad luck; lost brother and aunty suddenly and have sudden complete kidney failure followed by three years if dialysis then transplant.

Oh I don't know...

Rosierubies Sat 25-Jun-11 20:06:48

Counselling is not something i'm keen on for various reasons.

I am scared to try sex ban as he would be furious and probably a bit mean. Also I might be a bit scared his eye might be turned, he has a v high sex drive anyway.

Rosierubies Sat 25-Jun-11 20:08:30

Oh dear, I've made him sound like an abusive nutter, which he us not. My insecurities I guess...I find confrontation difficult.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 25-Jun-11 20:19:57

He doesn't sound like he makes you feel safe and secure and able to be honest with him.

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