Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need advice even can you help?

(23 Posts)
Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 18:03:02

Hi I have been seeing a lovley man for 7 months , everything going really great talk of me relocating and moving in together, even had job interview.
The only obstacle is .......HE has met all my family and work colleagues, I have never met any of his, his excuse being he needs to sort out his finances with his ex-wife of 9 years!, said he is protecting me by not telling me all this in the first place, he is not hard up has good job and nice old property in the country.He also wanted me to buy a place on my own near him so I could rent it out and we could live in his house all year round, at first I though this was a good idea but now i think it is just lack of commitment on all sides and this has made me feel wary and sad, as I really fell for him. Please can anyone advise thanks.

Hassled Sat 25-Jun-11 18:06:19

I should tread very carefully indeed. He may not be stringing you along, but please don't go through a huge upheaval for someone who's still sorting out finances with an ex and whose family/friends you haven't met. There's no rush - 7 months is no time at all. Bide your time - move when you're confident and secure about it all.

squeakytoy Sat 25-Jun-11 18:07:30

Have you been to his house?

Sounds to me like he is married or certainly not quite as free as he has made you think he is...

buzzsore Sat 25-Jun-11 18:10:54

I don't think it's good news that you haven't met any of his friends or family - that's odd if you're talking about living together.

It's also odd that he still has things he needs to sort out with an ex-wife after 9 years.

It's only 7 months in, things were moving quite quickly, no?

I think you're right to be wary. I don't think it's just commitment he lacks but honesty somewhere.

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran Sat 25-Jun-11 18:14:34

I think it's a bit odd that you've not met his friends or family.

I would be a bit suspicious - things are certainly moving very fast.

Could he still be married?

snicker Sat 25-Jun-11 18:16:07

I don't see why you can't meet his friends/colleagues because he is sorting out finances with his ex. Its not logical.

If I had to guess I would say he is married and is either secretly renting the nice old property in the country or borrowing it. He gets you to buy a shag pad and when it comes for you to move in with him something will happen with the nice old property, probably involving the evil ex wife, and he will end up living in your house and working away a lot. I watch a lot of TV.

I think 7 months is too soon to uproot yourself, even for someone who isn't shady.

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 18:18:15

when you see him where do you meet to go?
have you been to his house?

what exactly is he protecting you from? sorry but your post is confusing.
what does meeting his friends etc have to do with sorting out finances for his ex wife ?

and why is he sorting out finances anyway for an ex wife? presume it's maintainance but that shouldn't affect you, where you live, or meeting his friends.
very confused

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 18:23:05

Thanks for the advise and i will defintely been taking it more slowly he also lives 100 miles away just to complicate matters, many thanks.

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 18:26:05

Sorry no i stay at his house and he stays at mine , his ex lived in marital home until 2 weeks ago as youngest kid now 18 , so they have to split the proceeds from the selling of the house.
He also lives 100 miles away to complicte matters, thanks so much for your input a huge help makes me realise my gut instinct was right that he was keeping something from me or may be more.

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 18:26:27

have you been to his house?

are you sure it IS his house?

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 18:28:04

sorry x posted.

Is he very rich? to have a big house in the country and a marital home too?
Possible- but maybe not.

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 18:30:15

The house was his grannies and he moved into it when he split from his wife , no not rich but okay as he has money from martial home to renovate now, thanks again for your interest big help and make me realise i am not being suspicous for no reason.

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 18:32:17

thanks my feelings exactly .

Icelollycraving Sat 25-Jun-11 18:44:12

I wish I had listened to my gut feeling with regard to not meeting friends or family. Tread carefully.

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 18:49:57

thanks for that sorry it did not work out for you , hindsight can be an awful thing. but really i appreciate your helpful comments good luck for next time.

lazarusb Sat 25-Jun-11 18:59:50

It's only 7 months. Tell him you need to meet his family and friends before this goes any further. Take it easy. If your best friend was in this situation what would you say to her?

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 19:03:39

Thanks yes i agree i need to tell him that, and I would say exactly the same to my best friend ! thank-you for your thoughts.Why is it guys play these stupid mind games , as you say I would never treat anyone like that .

lazarusb Sat 25-Jun-11 19:11:58

He probably doesn't realise he's doing it. He isn't looking at it from your viewpoint...explain it to him smile

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 19:16:52

yes i have several times, he said he did not do it intentionally , dont know what to think at times to be honest , i find it hard to trust when people can not just honest and tell me where they are coming from , am i being too hard?

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 19:53:16

I'd say it all depends on HOW you say this- maybe along the lines of "It's a big step to move closer to you- and it feels a bit odd when I've never met XYZ...."

But you know him best.
I was duped once- an ex boyfriend- his wife HAD left him for another man when we met- i was okay about that and said i would never date him if she was around. Anyway- she came back. He never told me and because of the distance, we always met in my neck of the woods. he met my parents- they loved him despite always hating all my BFs!!!!
He began cancelling too many dates so one weekend I decided to pay a visit - he once sent a letter or a card with his address on it- lo and behold- who was back? you've guesssed.

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 20:09:38

yea I agree it is how you say it , and that is exactly how i said it bout moving closer and not meeting his family, ho hum will see how it goes really feel i dont want to go or do anything in regards to the situation , bide my time and see what happens this summer .
Sorry 4u in your break up not nice for u what happened, and your right my partner has told me his ex would have him back, but he says he is not up for that but as you say you never can tell , specially when there is all that history and kids between them.

Thanks for the info and hope you meet someone really nice next time take care x

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 20:29:45

Thanks- hope it works out.

It was ages ago for me- I've been married for ages now.

Ambers123 Sat 25-Jun-11 20:36:11

oh right glad for you and thanks again you were a great help , i appreciate it.
Take care

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: