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is it me?

(13 Posts)
ellie19 Sat 25-Jun-11 15:11:25

knew to this so bare with me.. right me and my partner have been together for 5 years. we used to have so much fun and before as soon as i got pregnant it stopped. i finisherd work n wer moved in together he had full control over me i had no money n he was so bossy n angry most of the time argghhh and so messy. then it wasnt working living together so i moved in my own house and him back up his parents we are braking up all the time over stupid things he works 9-5 every day and friday and sat all night aswell. we have aa 4month old baby n i feel like a single mum. im always having a go at him and i feel like his mother. i feel like he doesnt care about me .. he gone to fix his friends car all day today and tomorow and i didnt feel ill asked him to come back for an hour to see me and he put the phone down bearing in mind im not too well n got the baby. but he says he doesnt get chance to go anywhere neither do i really.. am i being unresonable?
help its getting me down

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 16:05:33

How old are you both?

TBH this sounds like a typical scenario of unplanned pregnancy, both of you too young, run back to mum and dad when it gets tough, can't really live together as you argue....

You are not being unreasonable, but I doubt very much if this man will stick around. he sounds as if he doesn't want the responsibiility.

If you gave up work, how come you can afford to live on your own in your own house?

There's a lot i don't understand from your post.

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 16:07:51

when i said i didn't understand- your post says he is back with his parents but you feel like a single mum- well you are- aren't you?

I'd get on with your life as if he doesn't exist frankly- but he should help to pay for his son, especially if he is working so much and earning a reasonable amount.

ellie19 Sat 25-Jun-11 20:35:50

yes he does pay for our daughter. i am on housing benefit at the momment but due to start back to work in the next too months..tholugh i do love him alot and i think it could be me at the most of the time as i feel i am cionstantly having a go, saying that he doesnt spend time with us . also he deliveres for a chinese in the night and i asked if i could go with him like i used to do to spend time with him and my parents have our daughter for the evening and he really didnt want to. last time we split up recently i asked him if we could get back and he said no because he wants to concentrate on being a good daddy smile but we were practically together. sorry for blabbering but he just wont talko about it. i dont want to give up i want to be a family but just know the only way to make it work is for me not to ask him to spend time with me and never ask him to do something just let him offer when he does (WHEN) thankyou

strawberryjelly Sun 26-Jun-11 09:27:13

Sorry but i think you need to let this one go.
It's perfectly obvious that he doesn't want to be the family you want.

he is living with his parents, he doesn't want to see you, you are so desperate you would ask your parents to babysit so you can deliver take aways with him in the evenings "like you used to".

What kind of relationship is that?

What I see is a relationship that has never moved on past the dating stage- he is not wanting commitment even though you have a child.

For your own self respect I think you need to stop begging and accept what he is telling you.

The fact he doesn't want to talk about is is his way of telling you it's not going to change.

it's hard but you have to accept this.

he is treating you badly so try to move on.

ellie19 Sun 26-Jun-11 10:06:13

but he says he loves me and wants to be a family.

strawberryjelly Sun 26-Jun-11 11:05:34

Elle- you both sound very young- are you?

It's not what he says that counts- words are cheap. it's what he does.
what is he doing that actually shows he loves you and wants to be a family?

ellie19 Sun 26-Jun-11 13:35:15

Read that and had to think hard for something. I am 19 and he is 20 . For example I just went to see him and didn't even have a hello . Probablly becaus3 of formula 1 . He only ever wants to sit in the hoise and go npwhere . I'm so confused he is a brilliant dad though . Thanks

FabbyChic Sun 26-Jun-11 13:39:31

To be honest, both of you are far too young, is an unfortunate situation, your partner seems childish and is only looking out for himself. He has yet to mature to the stage where he is willing to put any effort in.

ellie19 Sun 26-Jun-11 13:46:21

So what do I do. I can't stick this no more but I see him all the time because of our daughter and I cant bare to leave her without me.

strawberryjelly Sun 26-Jun-11 14:10:07

You are both incredibly young to have a child. You can't turn the clock back but you can look forward.

A man of 20 is still really just a teenager- and yours has teenager-ish behaviour.

Fatherhood is a huge responsibility and he simply is not ready.

he's not a brilliant dad. being a brilliant dad means helping the mother of his child. You!. A brilliant dad does not mean someone who plays with a 4 month old baby as and when he feels like it.

You said you had been together for 5 years- since you were 14?

Was the baby planned or an acccident?

In all honesty what you need to do is gain some qualifications by going back to college, get a good job and be able to support yourself and your baby.

I suspect that if the baby had not come along you would not be with your boyfriend anyway now.

I know this seems very harsh but you need to see him for what he is.

maristella Sun 26-Jun-11 14:14:01

I was in your shoes at exactly the same age ellie and it's tough.

I went from being a carefree teen to a doting Mum very quickly, and my ex was not able to make the same transition. People still expected me to be this carefree teen, but you just can't be.

Good on you for getting your own place.

Maybe you could work on being friends? If you do not expect the relationship that he is not mature enough to give you, then you won't be setting yourself up to be disappointed. If you can be less emotionally involved, then you get less upset when asking for what you and baby need, and you can focus on moving forward.

Do you have a sure start centre nearby? If so give them a call, or pop in there and start making positive steps for you and your baby, in an environment where you and your baby are welcomed as a package. It's the people who support and respect you as a mother (your most important role) that you need in your life right now.

ellie19 Sun 26-Jun-11 14:57:12

i have a very good job to go to at nch national childrens homes for children with disabilities i am also doing my nvq there will be starting within the next two months. i dont agree with you with the too young bit as i am more mature than many adults with children. thanks for all the support im going to just concentrate on my daughter who just rolled over for the 1st time !! smile thanks

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