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i never want to see my parents again but scared of letting go

(26 Posts)
DessertsInReverse Sat 25-Jun-11 14:54:12

long story but i know my parents have never really wanted me , i was never quite good enough . 99% in an exam would be greeted with well never mind you can do better next time etc

i'm pretty sure my mother is a narcissist and my father just tows the line . i and my children and have always been the black sheep and my sisters and their dcs the golden children .

i broke off contact 4 years ago for more than a year but then unable to deal with the guilt , i got back in touch just over 3 years ago . my father often phoned stressing what a good education i'd been given etc .

things were better to begin with but are back in the same old rut now . mother will phone talk about herself for 20 mins then ask x was asking after you , si i phoned , after a minute of our news it's "sorry got to make a cup of tea must go" .

final straw was my father phoned a few days ago to say thank you for his birthday card and present and told me all about the wonderful meal he'd had with my sisters and their families and we didn't bother to invite you because we knew you'd be too busy

really feel hurt , ostracized and know they don't want me in their lives so why bother .

littlemum007 Sat 25-Jun-11 15:30:33

I really empathise with you - your situation almost mirrors mine exactly, even to the point of my mother being narcissistic!! isn't it strange..... I don't suppose you're a single parent too, that would be too coincidental - I havent seen my mother for 3 years and if she dies I won't be there, I couldn't give a shit. Because she was always such a liar I could no longer cope with it as it was affecting my child - she'd have affairs and the last straw was when my child began to call him Grandad - it all got very confusing - too much to go into. I had to say to her that any contact with my child had to be supervised so I used to organise meeting a close friend whenever she came down. Ultimately, she stopped because she couldn't have her way anymore. To pay me back, she stopped sending my child birthday cards, Xmas cards, pressies etc., It has been a tragedy but its been 3 years now and we're just getting on with it. It was like having 2 ex husbands. So my point is, you are not alone. Stand by your guns and know you're OK and what the f.. is your sister doing... why is she endorsing this behaviour from your mother - she should be on your side. Sod em all. Take care.

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran Sat 25-Jun-11 15:42:37

I stopped all contact with my parents a number of months ago. My mother is a narc, my father her enabler, I am/was the scapegoat and mother was turning my DD1 into the next generation of scapegoat. There was a pretty petty incident that I stood up to her on (relating to her treatment of DD) and she told me to leave and not come back and not to contact her again. I didn't but she came to my front door 2 weeks later demanding I apologise.

I could go into all the ins and outs and whys and wherefores and I did on here at the time, and suffice to say the MN Jury did not think I was BU, nor did I and I have refused point blank to apologise. She ended up screaming at me and spitting in my face, and that is the point of no return for me.

It's hard to think that I'll never see my parents or my family again - mother controls the family and communication is not allowed independent of her, she told my brother he wasn't to contact me and he hasn't.

The holidays are coming up and brother (who is the golden child) will be visiting with his golden children and golden wife, and I'm half expecting a phone call or a drop in visit from them. The front door will be kept locked at all times and they will not be allowed over the door. I have no desire to have any contact with them and I have no intention of apologising when I didn't do anything wrong.

Stick to your guns, but I know it is hard.

DessertsInReverse Sat 25-Jun-11 17:18:55

thanks for your replies , glad to know i'm not alone . mother has definitely turned my dcs into the next generation of scapegoats which i9s really hard to see .
my mother also controls all communication within the family , i just don't think anyone will ever stand up to her .

that said it's hard to deal with the thought of not seeing my sisters again . especially as one lives quite close to us .

i'm determined to stick to my guns this time , i'm tired of being hurt all the time and have at last realised things will never change

littlemum007 Sat 25-Jun-11 17:22:59

well, f...mepinkandcall....!! sounds like you're as angry as I am!! It lasts a long time doesn't it..... my brother is also the golden child and he my mum both go off together to see mediums (I know you're laughing hysterically) together - they're trying to work it all out see.... whereas I (narcisstically speaking) already know.... my mum is so bad that she got my brother and his wife to pose with my baby, then placed the photo center of the front room so that when people came over, they'd think my baby was their's. I'm overweight you see. - You keep that bloody door locked hun. Change the telephone numbers if you have to and just let your mum keep your mobile number - then you'll know its her calling and you'll be able to chose whether or not to answer!

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran Sat 25-Jun-11 18:09:53

It's reassuring to know I'm not alone, and it was doubly reassuring at the time when I posted what had happened (under a different name) and the whole of MN thought I wasn't out of order, like I'd always been told.

I can't imagine ever putting myself through the torture of seeing them again, I feel like although I'm sad that I don't have contact in some ways, in other ways it's like a huge huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I don't need them, they'll need me before I need them and they can, as my best friend says, get to the far side of fuck.

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran Sat 25-Jun-11 18:11:24

Oh and I'm a single parent too littlemum, and overweight.

Join my club? wink

littlemum007 Sat 25-Jun-11 19:51:29

My God, I've found a sister or two..... - don't you find that it gets a little lonely at times - I never get invited anywhere because I don't have a partner or family member to take along. Special school occasions are the worst - I have to keep a brave face and turn up to church or whatever social is one, by myself - sometimes I have a drink for dutch courage. Glad to know you both anyway. Sounds like the "scapegoats" have become "escaped goats"! Chin up folks!

littlemum007 Mon 27-Jun-11 08:16:44

how are you getting on Desserts?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 27-Jun-11 11:27:10

Several of you mention that your parents are doing the same to your DC as they did to you... Can you give examples?

I don't like my parents' company anymore and have acknowledged the damage they did me. Yet going No Contact seems extreme: I am able to remain disengaged if DM tries to guilt me or put me down. I would probably lose loved and normal family members if I cut her out. And friends -- even a psychologist friend who has been helping me exit an abusive marriage -- are horrified when I mention I might have to go NC with my parents the day I have children, so the social repercussions could be vast.

I will however do anything to protect putative DC from malign influences on their development. Is it inevitable that Narc grandparents will warp their grandchildren too?

FoundWanting Mon 27-Jun-11 11:42:38

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Interesting question. I've kept my own children at a distance from my mother. She did try to set my DD up as favoured one, but I won't have it. If she can't treat them equally, she doesn't get to see them at all.

With my Dsis' two girls, the eldest is definitely the 'golden child' and DD2 is the scape-goat. DH (who had a normal family) picked up on this the very first time he saw them together. DD3 is just one, (second marriage) and according to Mother is 'ridiculously fat', 'probably backward or on some spectrum' and 'quite possibly the ugliest child I've ever seen.' shock

She is lovely my mum. Who wouldn't want to spend time with her?

DessertsInReverse Mon 27-Jun-11 20:57:47

mother phoned and acted as though nothing had happened , i just put the phone on handset mode , carried on with the chores said yes occasionally etc which seemed to suffice . i'm not brave enough to tell her how i feel or cut ties completely but i'm just trying not to get emotionally involved.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow things my mother does include always visiting for dn's birth , birthdays, christenings etc but is never available for my dc's events . dn can do no wrong if he bullies my dc , it's always my dc's fault . etc etc

if the grandchildren are together dn is always picked up bought sweets and generally adored while my ds is pushed awaty

on announcing dsis pregnancy my mother said to me someone for your ds to bully , my ds was 6 weeks old at the time.

with ds after a late mc a 20 week scan showed we were in team blue my mother asked why i couldn't have a girl as they were so much nicer than boys strangely when my sis ds arrived she then said i'm so glad it's a boy because boys are so much better than girls .

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 27-Jun-11 21:30:56

FoundWanting and Desserts I take your point: you have both just described my grandmother. I don't feel she did me any harm, though, mostly because I did not care for her so her treatment of me and my sister didn't matter to me, iyswim.

I didn't like her because my mother hated her with a passion, so I never got attached to my grandmother (a parent's opinion cannot be wrong etc). That might be one of the most protective acts my Narc mother ever did. So maybe it would be sufficient to have DC question their grandparents' words and actions?

FoundWanting Tue 28-Jun-11 09:56:55

Desserts Good luck with withdrawing emotionally. I have done this with my mother - it's been nearly a year now. I listen to her and 'umm' and 'ahh' in the right places, but it doesn't touch me. I tell her absolutely nothing about me, DH or the DCs and she never asks.

In fact, she probably knows less about us than the woman in the corner shop. grin

Mother has made herself the centre of communication in the family (think spider and web) so I don't want to cut her off completely or I risk losing touch with my step-father (a lovely man despite being under her control) and possibly my brothers.

The disturbing idea I've picked up from this thread is that our mothers were themselves the victims of narc parents. I worry that I have the potential to follow that route. Would you even know? DSis was the golden child and she colludes with my mother in making her eldest the next generation golden child and her sister the scape-goat. I've called her on her treatment of DD2 in the past and she has always got some way of making it the child's fault. sad

DessertsInReverse Tue 28-Jun-11 11:06:05

foundwanting i think the emotional withdrawl is working , in that on previous occasions when not invited to family gatherings i would have been really distressed wondering what i'd done wrong etc . this time it feels different i'm annoyed yes but i'm not heartbroken and guilt ridden iyswim.

re the children of narc parents doing the same to their dcs it does worry me in that my maternal grandmother was exactly the same as my mother . i hope that understanding my mother and knowing her behaviour is definitely not normal i can avoid the same pitfalls . i also feel blessed that i had a very loving ,fair paternal grandmother who showed me genuine love and affection for the first 10 years of my life . she is my roll model for how parents should behave and not my mother.

DessertsInReverse Tue 28-Jun-11 11:09:45

foundwanting i think the emotional withdrawl is working , in that on previous occasions when not invited to family gatherings i would have been really distressed wondering what i'd done wrong etc . this time it feels different i'm annoyed yes but i'm not heartbroken and guilt ridden iyswim.

re the children of narc parents doing the same to their dcs it does worry me in that my maternal grandmother was exactly the same as my mother . i hope that understanding my mother and knowing her behaviour is definitely not normal i can avoid the same pitfalls . i also feel blessed that i had a very loving ,fair paternal grandmother who showed me genuine love and affection for the first 10 years of my life . she is my roll model for how parents should behave and not my mother.

FoundWanting Tue 28-Jun-11 11:53:12

Good for you, Desserts. I find it helps if I imagine the hell I would be enduring if I were included. grin

When I hear about gatherings which we have not been included in, my reaction is now to feel mildly peeved. A year ago, I would have worked myself into knots of worry about possibly having upset someone. For my mother, it is all part of her game plan - divide and rule - keeps us all on our toes and trying to keep in her good books.

And because I am petty and peevish, I've learnt I can dish it out too. I invited my eldest brother and his son over for a bar-b-que. Had a great time. Mother was incredibly put out. grin

I think that the numbers of children of narc parents on this site show that we can avoid repeating the past by questioning what we do and seeking advice. Narcs never need advice because they are never wrong in their worlds.

crestico Tue 28-Jun-11 13:04:17

i have a real problem with my parents also, my mum is just one of those people that has to hate someone, and for the past 4 years it's been my DW. Not exactly sure why as DW hasn't done anything wrong. Whereas my Dad is just spineless and just cannot stand up for himself.

I cut them off after they ruined our wedding and sent DW into a pretty bad depression which almost ended us. Almost 9 months on and we're just picking up the pieces and I've limited contact to just replying to their initiated contacts -- but again, that's never enough for them as they only ever get involved to stir the pot and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

Life is so stress-free and easy without them, but I can't seem to get the courage (?) to just cut off all contact. Any advice or pointers, here or pm, I'd really appreciate it.


ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 13:24:18

The disturbing idea I've picked up from this thread is that our mothers were themselves the victims of narc parents. I worry that I have the potential to follow that route.

I've been pondering this a lot too, and discussing it with my therapist. Narc mothers lacked love and nurture in childhood, so demand emotional supply from their children, rather than giving them unconditional love (by controlling them, neglecting them, engulfing them, putting them down -- whatever special brand of emotional supply they seek).

This creates another generation of children who have been deprived of nurture. So yes, there is a danger that children of narcs may depend on their own children too much for love and validation, and I now know I have to watch out for that. Get over my own gaping need for love and just love any DC I have unconditionally, and validate them at every turn.

BUT there is then a danger of going too far the other way, says my therapist (who is a specialist in family abuse). If you are the type of child-of-a-narc who is a people-pleaser, you have problems setting limits. Including with your own children. Children need unconditional love -- which people-pleasers are very good at supplying -- but they also need firm and consistent boundaries. Which people-pleasers are less adept at imposing.

So if you are self-aware, and your DC receive love+clear boundaries, I wouldn't worry.

TheAtomicBum Tue 28-Jun-11 13:25:16

Hi Desserts. I can quite empathise with your situation, because I've been through a similar thing. I'm pretty sure can label my mother narcisistic. At least, anything I read on narcisism is just her down to the last detail. Other people are not important to her. She sees herself as some sort of queen, and I've often described that I think she sees her children as her "spawn" rather than actual people.

I'd always thought that she was bordering on abusive while grew up. But the effect she's had on the three of us is quite disturbing. My brother has grown up almost misojinist and has no confidence, but since he moved out has come on leaps and bounds. He was a scrapegoat to her. I believe I was the "middle child", not in age, but with her perseption. Apparently, my few of displayin emotion in public is a typical trate of that. I honestly believe that my emotions are unimportant and should be buried as deeply as possible.

My sister, on the other hand, is becoming her mother completely. She is selfish, and I think she has already chosen a golden child and scategoat even though her 2 were barely out of toddlers the last time I saw her. She also exasperated any arguements we had with my mother.

My mother always hated my DP as soon as she saw her. Before that, in fact, for, I believe, taking away the brightest child (me) who she believed was going to pay for her retirement.

We argued with my mother all the time. Eventually, I had to make a choice. It was affecting my DC's as I think she had decided that they were the next scategoats. We were considering cutting contact, when one day she attacked my DP when she shouted back, and then called social services and the police on us. There was no coming back from that, as you can imagine.

I knew before that that I had to cut contact. I knew it was better for my family. But for some reason it was just too difficult. I've thought long and hard about why, and I think I understand.

She trains you to be reliant. Like an abusive husband, your confidence is slowly sapped until you actually believe that you need her. I kept on thinking that if I never spoke to her again, I'd have nowhere to go if DP and I ever split up. Or if, for some reason, we ever needed her for something.

But the decision was made, and I had to go with it. She had assaulted my DP in front of our children, and she could never again be apart of our lives. And now I realised how little I actually needed her for anything. She was nothing but extra stress.

She had always said to me growing up, "I hope when you have kids there just like you!" And yes, I think they are. And I'm thankful for that, because I have discovered that there was nothing wrong with me as a child. I was not the spawn of satan that I was made out to be, I was just a child. And her way of beringing up children, of trying to sap our confidence and make us care more about her than us, it was wrong. I intend to raise my DC's the right way without her, and I hope you can find the strength to do that too.

It's easier than you think to live without her.

TheAtomicBum Tue 28-Jun-11 13:26:26

Sorry, that was a long post blush

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 13:36:34

She had always said to me growing up, "I hope when you have kids there just like you!"

Oh yes, I heard that one a million times too, growing up. Along with many iterations of : "I can't wait until you're 18 and I can kick you out of the house." Which then, when I turned 18, she denied ever saying.

Still, I do love her. She is self-obsessed, controlling, plays the martyr, puts her loved ones down, will not hear a word of reproach and turns viciously on you if you try to express pain at the way she is treating you... but she is also patently insecure, very creative, has a zest for art and literature and music which she shared with us kids, is fiercely protective of us if we are hurt by outsiders, and is capable of going out of her way to do nice things for her children too. It's a weird mix; it's my Mom.

Not ready to have nothing to do with her yet.

TheAtomicBum Tue 28-Jun-11 13:41:51

My stepfather used to say, "I can't wait for you to turn 18 so I can slam you aginst the wall and kick seven kinds of crap into you." But on the whole I think he did more good than harm. At least I learned some valuable lessons off him.

My mother, on the other hand, has no redeaming qualities that I'm aware of.

TheAtomicBum Tue 28-Jun-11 14:10:32

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow - What I mean to point out is this:

It may be that you are happy with you're mothers behaviour. Perhaps, overall, she has more good points than bad points. Perhaps you are overly acceptant of her, which I think we all are of our parents. But OP clearly feels that the bad points of her parents outway any good they can do. In my case, I belive my mother was doing no good, but causing a great deal of harm.

Also, OP, it's good to see that I'm not the only one determined not to follow in my mother's footsteps and perenting style. Knowing that it is not right is the best weapon you have against this. You know what parents should be, and you know what not to be.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 28-Jun-11 14:14:23

Oh goodness -- of course I wasn't trying to tell OP that her own mother's positives might outweigh the negatives! Just having my own little self-therapy there.

Sorry OP : am a firm believer in making your own decisions and I totally respect and understand yours!

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