Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am too old for sex and games like this ...

(56 Posts)
EveHarrington Sat 25-Jun-11 01:59:59

Leaving one relationship and tentatively stepping into the world of dating, I have come to the conclusion that I am too old for sex where I do all the giving and get little in return.

My first "date" post-split. Ok, it didn't start off as a "date" as such - I doubt he initially knew what my intentions were. It was just meant to be an innocent lunch. It ended up with me back at his. Having done pretty much everything other than actual sex, he stops and says, "No, I don't want to do that yet." I tried to find out why, but he just said he wanted to "take things one step at a time." Fair enough, I am old enough to understand when no means no, and that applies to men as well as women, so didn't push any further - I would never want to rush someone into something if they aren't ready.

What pissed me off mightily was that this followed me going down on him, etc etc, whilst I got the benefit of a few hard kisses and fingers (yup, he didn't even return the favour! Grrr!). Yes, TMI, but a lot of winewinewinewine has been consumed. It wasn't a bad experience - dare I say, it was even extremely pleasurable, but I was not out for a heavy makeout session, and the whole thing has left me feeling somewhat dissatisfied (for want of a better word).

Off to bed to try and erase the utter frustration out of my mind ... God, that was his plan all along, wasn't it?! Hold out and she'll come running for more angry I so don't want to fall into that trap, so women of MNet, give me the strength and wisdom to proclaim loudly that I am too old for sex and games like this!

Or tell me that I am being highly immature and really should appreciate someone wanting to take things slowly. The only thing is I am definitely not out for a meaningful relationship - I simply have an annoying six month old itch that needs to be scratched with nothing less than diamond-strength vigour!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 25-Jun-11 06:53:42

That does sound odd tbh. Can I be nosy and ask if he orgasmed. I think this makes a difference. If he did and then he stopped then he is a cheeky bleeder - if he didn't, well, maybe he meant what he said.

Unusual though for a man not to take sex when it's offered lol. grin

SirSugar Sat 25-Jun-11 07:14:45

What this screams at me is that you should not entertain the idea of sex with anyone until you are satisfied that you are both entering into a mutually fullfilling relationship.

If you just want sex, you would be better off hiring an 'escort' who will do your bidding.

Or as you said; did you enjoy the rather humiliating aspect of the encounter you describe? maybe this is an aspect of your sexuality you have not realised before?

I would even begin to consider what his plan was in the situation; I'd be examining my own motives.

grossedout Sat 25-Jun-11 07:16:47

You know, the exact same thing happened to me two weeks ago. I was quite baffled and felt the same as you did. I saw him again, hoping for a shag the second time round. What I actually got was a balk of poo ( grim sex question thread in chat )
I wonder if its the same man or just somethibg lazy Fuckers do...or then they don't feel bad, because they haven't slept with you and get to still keep their ' nice guy' status. Laughable warped logic I think.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 25-Jun-11 08:48:35

I think you should reverse the genders and then consider if you are still right.

EricNorthmansMistress Sat 25-Jun-11 09:07:08

I think you should be upfront with someone if you just want sex. He didn't do anything wrong as such (although only you know whether he was a complete selfish git in bed) but not wanting to have full sex isn't a 'game' in and of itself. If you have a '6 month itch' there are plenty of people who will be willing to help you scratch it but you really need to be clear about what you are looking for.

Tryharder Sat 25-Jun-11 09:09:14

I think you were just unlucky with this man. I am sure that there are agencies out there that specialise in no strings encounters iyswim. Or as someone suggested, pay an escort. Might be less messy and complicated and it might be quite nice to have sex with someone whose only agenda is your pleasure!! Good luck and stay safe!

changeforthebetter Sat 25-Jun-11 09:11:51

Sounds like sex with my X - selfish twunt with major sex hangups hmm

Like me, you're old enough to chalk this up to experience move on and next time get to know someone better before getting into bed with them (not for moral reasons but to protect yourself). Or get some no-strings fun <<has absolutely no concept how this is arranged but will bow to collective wisdom of MN on this grin>>

dittany Sat 25-Jun-11 09:15:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

There is NOTHING WRONG AT ALL with wanting a good shag and no more than that. FFS! I wouldn't bother with this bloke again though. He's either very selfish (as NSASM says, did he shoot his bolt?) or he's got some hang up or other that you don't need to get yourself entangled with.

Mind you. Erm. Did you at any point tell him you're a feminist? If he's a 'male feminist' he might have got hold of the idea that feminists don't like PIV.

BluddyMoFo Sat 25-Jun-11 09:17:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberry17 Sat 25-Jun-11 09:31:44

Have to say I am a bit shocked and puzzled at the people saying pay a male escort. What's the difference between that and a man paying a female escort/prostitute which is always so villified on here? genuine question confused

Strawberry: the people saying that are saddos who think women should only have sex in the course of proper relationships and any woman who doesn't want to do that is a slut and a freak.

EricNorthmansMistress Sat 25-Jun-11 09:58:57

yes strawberry it's very confused

just be upfront about what you're after. No need to pay anyone confused

ineedabodytransplant Sat 25-Jun-11 10:00:43

no one needs to pay me..grin

Xales Sat 25-Jun-11 11:52:21

I am a little confused about what you were after. Were you after the innocent lunch or did you want to get his pants off and shag like rabbits?

If you want lots of sex great go for it, use precautions and have lots of fun. However make him work a little bit more for it before blowing him next time grin

If the innocent lunch was really all you were after then getting half cut and not being able to say no is not a good sign. I would suggest that if you are after an innocent lunch only you lay off the wine.

Did he cum? If so then I think he got exactly what he was after with minimum put out towards you. I would feel used in that situation sad

Hopefully you are correct and he is just whetting your appetite.

buzzsore Sat 25-Jun-11 12:02:11

Maybe he doesn't fancy you? I reckon date someone else.

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 12:06:05

OP what did you mean by this?
Ok, it didn't start off as a "date" as such - I doubt he initially knew what my intentions were...

what were your intentions?
TBr eally H you sound predatory.

What comes over is that you had an agenda beforehand to get this man into some sort of clinch whether he was aware of or wanting that.

I'm not surprised it all went tits up.

it is quite unusual for a man not to follow through to full sex if he has consented to having his willy sucked, so I do wonder what was going on inhis head ( married? attached? fear of STIs???) BUT that is his perogative. But, on the other hand you were both pissed.

What you describe above is not a date or a game- it's you with a predetermined agenda and you are miffed he didn't want to play.

I'm not saying anyone should not have sex on their first date- but it's clear from your post that there was no real communication between you about what you wanted from your first meeting.

If you are wanting advice, it's slow down. And get to know the other person a bit first, unless it's been made clear they want quick sex.

Dittany: the bloke only said he wanted to slow down after he'd had his knob sucked.

dittany Sat 25-Jun-11 13:42:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 13:49:25

Dittnay it's unclear how far things progressed in that area- OP has not come back to say whether he actually came or not.

I feel sorry for the guy- by all acounts he wasn't even aware it was a date; let alone one with a woman desperate to get laid.

A few hours and lots of wine later his flat on his back saying "Stop- this wasn't quite what i signed up for" and yes, being a bloke he didn't stop her straight away which i think was a mistake.

As someone else pointed out- if this was a woman posting about a guy who had "seduced her" after a supposedly platonic lunch, and then she came to her senses, I doubt if he'd be getting any support.

dittany Sat 25-Jun-11 13:54:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberryjelly Sat 25-Jun-11 14:41:51

Your dates must be different to how mine used to be Dittany- I never realised it had to be tit for tat, especially if one person decided they didn't want to play.

if this was a man posting he would be accused of date rape if he had pushed.

Since when did we all stop saying it was okay to say no- at any point?

dittany Sat 25-Jun-11 14:44:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EveHarrington Sat 25-Jun-11 14:51:11

Wow - to clarify:
1. We've known each other for about 9 months or so and have gone out in social situations with mutual friends (well, more him with my friends), so I didn't just meet him yesterday. He's not married or attached (we studied at the same place together).

2. Neither of us had anything to drink at lunch, before, during or after sex. I've never had sex drunk before and I don't intend to start now (unless, of course, I'm missing out on an amazing experience so I shall leave you all to enlighten me on that grin)

3. The lunch started out fun and casual, and then I told him that I found him attractive and wanted to sleep with him. I don't tend to bed people on mixed messages. He said he would like to. I asked him if he was sure as I knew it may have seemed to him a bolt out of the blue, but he confirmed that he was up for it and definitely would like to. I made it clear that any encounter we were to have had to be safe/protected ie with a condom. He again said he was fine with this.

4. We ran walked back to his together. Again, I asked him if he was sure, he looked at me and said, "Why the sudden doubt?" I told him I had no doubts whatsoever but I wanted to make sure he didn't. He again confirmed that he didn't.

I'm sure a blow-by-blow (pardon the pun!) account of everything that happened would prove rather tedious. Suffice to say that before we had lunch, I knew I'd wanted to sleep with him, I didn't know if he felt the same, then at lunch he confirmed that he did.

It wasn't a "rubbish" encounter. Like I said, it was fun and enjoyable - I even managed to orgasm just from his fingers alone (if nothing else, that's a skill in which he definitely wasn't lacking!). Oh, and I'm not usually a quid-pro-quo person - I'm a giving person in bed by nature, and enjoy it. I would never have had oral sex with him if I didn't want to. Yes, he did orgasm afterwards. We lay down, chatted a bit. I asked him if he wanted to continue, he said he did, so we did. He'd previously said that he had condoms at home, then realised he didn't. I told him I had some on me and he got them from my bag. I guess it was sometime at that point that he changed his mind. As soon as he told me to stop, I did. I don't get off on forcing people to do things that they don't want to do. I told him if he didn't want to have full sex, it was absolutely fine. I asked him if he'd like to have oral sex (both giving and receiving), and he said he didn't want to yet [(?) talk about locking my stable door once his horse has bolted!!] and wanted to take things "one step at a time". I didn't push any further. We had further fumblings, I orgasmed (again his and my fingers), he didn't.

Everything was still fine afterwards, even whilst we were getting dressed. We even settled in to watch some Wimbledon together (I blame Tsonga - watching him play [and win - yay!] got me all sexually frustrated again grin). Anyway, I eventually called a cab, he walked me out, we pecked each other on the cheek, promised to meet up again at some point, then I left.

I won't lie about the fact I wanted more. I DID make that absolutely clear. I have no idea why he changed his mind at the 11th hour, but it's his right. I didn't feel used, just bloody frustrated, but I didn't show him that - I don't think sex where the other person does so out of guilt is any fun whatsoever. I was jovial and cordial, and so was he. But gosh, I really would have liked to have gone a LOT further grin

Ah well, I shall chalk it up to experience and move on. Last night was the rantings of a drunk and horny woman. It was truthful, but perhaps not as detailed as it ought to have been. He says he definitely wants to meet up again, and I'm sure I'll see him again in a social context - in a sexual context, I'm not so sure. Time will tell.

On that (long!) note, I'm going to rest my head for a bit. After less than 4 hours sleep, a slight hangover and a morning out with DS (who is thankfully now napping!), I think I need it!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now