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Toxic Sister

(11 Posts)
Scaredycat3000 Fri 24-Jun-11 21:18:56

I think the main problem my Sister has with me, to sum it up in a few words, is her fat stupid little sister lost weight and went to University, and she hates that. There is only 20 months between us and she has spent her life undermining, belittling, bullying and generally being unpleasant to me. I was the youngest at most family gatherings, so was easily left out, by the time it was my turn the others would have lost interest, but this was usually led by my own sister telling others it was time to do something else.
As I got older she would tell me every time she felt I had done something socially wrong. Teenage years are hard enough without somebody you think you can trust continually undermining your confidence. I do wonder what our parents thought was going on, possibly they tried so hard to treat us equally they failed to step in when they should? Generally I think they did well. Just occasionally Dad would go off track, when I got my exam results he went round telling people "Scaredy did better than DD1", not just that I'd done better than expected well. And a few years later, "the only reason she doesn't hit you is 'cause your bigger" well she had I would just walk away, he knew I'd done nothing.
Our out look on life and our lives have been very different. She has never lived more than a few minutes drive away from home, I left for University at 18 and never went back. I've been with DP since I was 20, she avarages the one every 2 years. She moves in with them, gets our parents heavily involved with them, doing loads of favours, and then huge bust up and moves home. All the while criticizing my DP.
She told my DP some bullshit once,whilst we where all on holiday, he didn't realise what she was really like, so wouldn't talk to me until he calmed down enough to start to explain why he was angry, I stopped him and told him my version, I still don't know exactly what she said, but I got an apology from DP. I didn't talk to her for a few years after as it was the last straw along with many other things.
She does seem to be sorting herself out, she no longer phones me drunk at 2am to tell me she's hurt her head in the club she's in another town, her DP seems lovely and does nice things for my family. But she is constantly trying to give me advise, because baby sitting some friends kids makes her an expert on child rearing, telling me how badly I'm dressed, says she who always wears her clothes at least 2 sizes to small. I'm sick of her bitchy truthful comments, it was bad enough when it was just me, but now I know she's doing it to Mum as well.
I need to let go and ignore her, she is toxic, I wouldn't have her as a friend. Dad is ill and our parents don't need the added stress of us not talking. I've had enough, everyone else seems to just let her behave how she wants.
Thanks for reading that feels a bit better.

FabbyChic Fri 24-Jun-11 21:44:19

Why don't you just tell her how she makes you feel? Tell her she is a toxic bitch and is lucky you still entertain talking to her.

Let it all out and get it all out in the open so you can either start afresh or just fuck her off an ignore her.

No one person should be causing this much grief in a family.

Scaredycat3000 Fri 24-Jun-11 22:02:22

I did once, we didn't talk for a few years. I got the impression that although people in general, including our parents, agreed I was a lone voice and everyone else just said oh poor you to her. So she thought it was just me being a bitch. It could be a coincidence but her behaviour did improve a bit after that. She excuses herself, I think, buy thinking she's just being honest instead of being a bitch. It's just not the right time at the moment, my parents have a lot on their minds at the moment. In 6 months life should be calmer.

dittany Fri 24-Jun-11 23:25:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickgo Fri 24-Jun-11 23:34:14

I think you're wise to defer any kind of conversation about how you feel Scaredy, sounds like now is not the right time.

But also I wouldn't worry what the rest of the family think. Focus on your relationship with her and get it clear what your attitude is now as an adult. Listen to yourself and don't seek anyone else's validation in the family.
They don't have your relationship with her. You do.

I've had to take a bit of step away from allmy sibs. They are such strange different people from me. I just try to keep contact to the most minimal I can get away with without upsetting parents or causing rifts.

Scaredycat3000 Sat 25-Jun-11 09:57:09

Dittany, I think my parents tried so hard not to play favourites it back fired. I think my sister was considered the one that should do really well and possibly had a lot of pressure to do well, and didn't do as well as expected. I on the other hand wasn't expected to do so well, so had no pressure, and to everyones surprise did alright. I think she put the rivalry in place when her life started to go off track, so is constantly trying to tell me where I'm going wrong.
Pickgo, I think you're probably right, I need to just distance myself without causing a scene. I get frustrated when I hear her getting away with the bad behaviour and I feel like I'm the only one saying that's wrong. But no my parents have always, quite rightly made it clear that they don't pick sides.

dittany Sat 25-Jun-11 14:58:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neversaydie Sat 25-Jun-11 17:44:57

A responsible parent models, teaches and enforces good behaviour for all their children. 'Not taking sides' when one child is persistently abusing the other is not 'being fair' to either of them.

MayDayChild Sat 25-Jun-11 18:01:46

I have a toxic sister 20 months older. She has had depression in past which gives everyone else in family reason to excuse her appalling behaviour.
I decided a long time ago that my immediate family need my emotional state to be calm and happy. Whenever i try to discuss anything with TS (tox Sis) she makes me very cross and unhappy now I avoid her and give each other polite nods when necessary.
Mum has tried to intervene and ended up rowing with me. She has tried to be fair but shown that she actually doesn't know me very well.
You don't have to love or love harmoniously with siblings or parents. As long as y

MayDayChild Sat 25-Jun-11 18:02:47

I have a toxic sister 20 months older. She has had depression in past which gives everyone else in family reason to excuse her appalling behaviour.
I decided a long time ago that my immediate family need my emotional state to be calm and happy. Whenever i try to discuss anything with TS (tox Sis) she makes me very cross and unhappy now I avoid her and give each other polite nods when necessary.
Mum has tried to intervene and ended up rowing with me. She has tried to be fair but shown that she actually doesn't know me very well.
You don't have to love or love harmoniously with siblings or parents. As long as you accept the situation, it's easier to live without so to speak.

MayDayChild Sat 25-Jun-11 18:03:03

Oops iPhone cock up

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