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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Had a termination now dh upset

19 replies

FizzBang · 24/06/2011 20:29

I still think it was absolutely the right decision but we talked about it today and hes really upset. He can barely look me in the eye and is hardly talking to me.

I dont know how to put this right.

Do you think suggesting counselling?

OP posts:

Report

pink4ever · 24/06/2011 20:35

Isnt that a perfectly normal reaction? did you both not have counselling before the abortion?. Give him time I am sure he will come to terms with it eventually.

TCOB · 24/06/2011 20:35

. How sad for you both. Counselling sounds good - but at the same time remember to take care of yourself too. Even if it is the right decision it's still easy to feel a little bit shit for a while.

FizzBang · 24/06/2011 20:38

Its just that he seems resentful to me over it. We're both gutted but I'm not blaming him.

OP posts:

MarioandLuigi · 24/06/2011 20:42

Is it a decision you made together?

Mouseface · 24/06/2011 20:44

Can I ask why you decided to terminate?

Is there more to your story?

TCOB · 24/06/2011 20:45

I sort-of feel sorry for men in this situation. I think a lot of them are conflicted over what to do - most (right-thinking) men get that it is your body, not theirs, etc etc, so don't feel they can pipe up with their feelings for fear of undermining your rights. I'm sure you made the right decision in your circumstances - but maybe your DH just resents the situation for making it difficult to feel free to express his feelings, especially as he may not want to own up to feeling sad in case it upsets you or seems like he disagrees with you.

FizzBang · 24/06/2011 21:08

It was a decision we made together. He was in full agreement that termination was the right thing.

We terminated because I have on going health problems which make it difficult for me to manage the children we already have. I couldn't cope with another one.

OP posts:

choux · 24/06/2011 21:35

That sounds tough - I'm sorry. If he loves the children he already has perhaps he is thinking how great it would have been to have another and wishing it could have been possible. He is v likely grieving for the loss even though he knows you have both made the best choice for your family.

But you are able to talk about it together so that's good. Did he tell you how he felt? Two partners don't always deal with events at the same speed so he may be struggling a bit more than you right now. I imagine that if he feels resentful at all it is your illness he resents and not you. Remember also that if the termination was recent your hormones could be all over the place making you feel a little more sensitive than usual.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 24/06/2011 21:39

Knowing that it was the right thing to do doesn't necessarily stop him feeling sad about it. As TCOB says, maybe he doesn't think he should say anything to you in case it comes out wrong, it doesn't mean he's angry with you or anything, just that he is sad about the circumstances.

FabbyChic · 24/06/2011 21:41

Maybe he is feeling a tad guilty himself.

Its good you are not allowing it to get you down, you shouldn't.

He will come round, don't let him make you feel bad though you shouldn't.

QueeferSutherland · 24/06/2011 21:46

Oh, what a tough situation.

You need to sit down and talk. Remind him if you had continued the pregnancy on his say-so you would have resented him later on, and he would be supporting you and your children as your health deteriorated.

Love to you both. x

M0naLisa · 25/06/2011 11:17

TBH i find his reaction to the termination disgusting.

YOU BOTH agreed that is the best option for you both.

YOU are the one going through it, been though it. Not him. Yeah hes the dad but your the one whos had the Termination.

I am sorry you are feelin like this but does your husband not realise you need support not looks of disgust at you.

I was in your position in 2009. We agreed a termination was for the best due to me having problems after birth/during pregnancy etc etc.

But my husband supported me not gave me looks because he was guilty. THAT is not what you need right now.

He is been selfish imo. Its was a unanimous decision not one you made on your own. Remind him of that.

Hugs cos i know you'll need them x

buzzsore · 25/06/2011 11:29

Maybe ask him to seek counselling. It's wrong that he apparently blames or resents you for a decision you took together.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/06/2011 12:38

He may not be angry or resentful, just sad and guilty, and trying to keep it to himself so as not to make the OP feel worse. He can't help feeling sad, after all. And understanding that a termination was the best option doesn't mean it's wrong or selfish of him to feel at some level that he wishes it hadn't had to happen
It might well help him to find someone to talk to who will just listen - it is understandable that he doesn't want to burden you, but his feelings are valid and he's not wicked for needing to express them to someone.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/06/2011 13:52

It is wicked to treat a woman who has just had a termination so badly, even if you didn't agree to it.

His behaviour is disgusting :(

He is barely speaking to you? What a horrible prick.

mathanxiety · 26/06/2011 03:45

If he feels bad about it has he considered a vasectomy?

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 26/06/2011 07:12

I think it's probably guilt mixed with a bit of sadness and worry.

Awful to watch you go through it, it does have health risks, as you get told when you go in, there is pain, and after effects of the procedure etc. He has to stand by and watch you go through all this singlehandedly on both your behalfs.

So he's probably gone into a bit of a shell?

Take care of yourself, you are prob going to be hormonally up and down for a few weeks, and need to rest up follwing the surgery, so tell him you need his support, and tell him how he could help you.

strawberryjelly · 26/06/2011 14:30

I think heis being a bit selfish- but can understand why.
I don't think any termination is black and white even if both partners say that's what they want.

My closest friend had a termination many years back and although her DH didn't stand in her way at the time ( he was neutral about it) it still comes up as a stick to beat each other with 15 years later.

It's a very emotive situation and maybe no one knows how they will react until it happens.

can youtell him how upsetting it is for you when he behaves like this? maybe joint counselling would be a good idea.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/06/2011 14:50

I think you need to talk to him.

He is probably feeling bad.

However, you need to tell him, that when he refuses to look at you it makes it seem as if you have done something wrong.

He shouldn't be acting towards you in this manner.

MAybe he should consider a vasectomy.

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