Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

one last try or give up now?

(14 Posts)
vegetariandumpling Fri 24-Jun-11 15:34:18

I think it's already over between my fiance and I but I've been lying in bed crying all day and thinking it through. We were doing long distance for a while, he's in another country. I have a job offer there starting in July so the plan was for us to be together then. But he's recently behaving a bit strangely.

An important event is happening in July and the plan was to fly out permanently after that event because I can't afford to fly out now then come back. But in the last week he's said that it's not or never, I have to come out now and get married or he won't wait any longer.

I've said that I will go out there but I can't go until next thurs as I need to wait for a visa. But now he's saying that I have to go out right away and get married and start a family right away. I don't want to do this, and told him this right from when we got engaged, and he said that was ok. I told him again today that I can't do what he's asked and he then he basically said that it was over sad.

I've already booked the appointment to get my visa so I'm wondering if I should just go next week and give it one last chance? It might sound stupid, but I guess I'm wondering if he'll change his mind. I know I'll spend the rest of my life regretting leaving him and not getting to see him again, so a big part of me feels that I should just try.

On the downside, seeing him again might make it harder to leave, or I might end up doing what he wants just to stay with him, which I don't think is what I want.

I just don't know what to do. I know most people would say not to go back but I'm devastated and honestly don't think I could possibly feel any worse if I went back and it didn't work out, and I know I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life regretting not doing enough sad.

niceguy2 Fri 24-Jun-11 15:37:21

Is there any reason why it has to be NOW?

Given you are supposed to be spending the rest of your lives together and the plan was to be in July, it seems rather odd to be insisting on it NOW when July is only a few weeks away.

Sounds to me that something else is afoot or he's just setting you up for a fail.

buzzsore Fri 24-Jun-11 15:45:10

Why has it become so urgent? What event is he expecting you to miss? Why is he making you choose like this?

Seems to me, that he's being ridiculously unreasonable about this. A few more weeks in the scheme of a lifetime is nothing. I also find it alarming that he wants to go straight into having a family.

I think going to live somewhere where you will have no support network in family or friends, with a strangely/unreasonably demanding man, when you cannot afford to get home again and immediately starting a family could well be a mistake you'd regret for the rest of your life.

He's moving the goalposts and there's no rational reason behind doing so, as far as I can see. I think you'd be better trying to resolve this from home rather than going out there.

vegetariandumpling Fri 24-Jun-11 15:45:18

that's what I've been wondering too niceguy. I can kind of understand, as he's been waiting so long, I can understand him saying that he doesn't want to wait around if it's not going to happen. But it is going to happen, or it was going to happen at least, but just not as soon as he likes. It's the fact he wants it to happen so quickly that makes me weary tbh.

vegetariandumpling Fri 24-Jun-11 15:50:48

It's my graduation...I know it's not really important but I've worked so hard I would like a day of recognition of what I've done. Again, I feel I'll regret it if I don't go.
I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable, because he has waited a long time, and he's probably upset that I'm not going back there as soon as I could but waiting for something that he doesn't think is important. If it was the other way around I don't know if I'd be too reasonable either. Having said that, he knew I didn't want to/couldn't think of starting a family right now, as I just can't bring a child into this world when I'm not ready.

buzzsore Fri 24-Jun-11 16:00:07

Your graduation is important. You've worked and studied for this - surely he should be proud of you and want you to have that moment? Why isn't it important to him?

He's trying to rush you on all fronts and that's generally a red flag.

buzzsore Fri 24-Jun-11 16:01:07

And not valuing a partner's work/studies is often another red flag.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 24-Jun-11 16:21:14

How old is he; is he much older than you?.

I would not be so much crying as feeling both angry and used now. He's told you its over; I would take him at his word. You have not left him, he's left you.

He is not being totally honest with you anyway and won't tell you why he is acting like this. He is very poor relationship let alone husband material. Why is he exactly banging on about marriage and family immediately?. Do not sleepwalk yourself any further into this poor situation but leave him to it.

I would not attend the appt for the visa and rebuild your life without him in it. There are too many red flags around all of this to make this relationship worth continuing anyway.

Your graduation day is important; you owe it to yourself to attend.

garlicnutter Fri 24-Jun-11 16:34:34

I wanted to delay my wedding, due to other big family stuff. He went ballistic and said "We get married on the date or not at all." It scared me so we went ahead on the original date. He was showing me who he really is ...

HIBU. I think you should accept the dump.

I'm sorry, and am glad you have some nice things to look forward to.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 24-Jun-11 17:38:05

You'd think he might want to come over and cheer you on at your graduation, or if he can't be there at least ask for photos. Wanting you to miss it sounds like a distressing lack of interest in your achievements. He should be proud, not issuing ultimatums.

(My spell checker didn't like "ultimata". Stupid spell checker.)

EricNorthmansMistress Fri 24-Jun-11 18:25:14

OK - did you meet here and have a proper relationship before getting engaged? Or has it been long distance the whole time? Is he able to visit here?

I'm thinking you might be marrying someone from a very different culture - am I right?

Now I've just (2 weeks ago) ended my marriage with a man from a different culture, who I never lived with before I got married to him. I'm not saying this never works, far from it, but I will say be careful

It's completely unreasonable for him to insist on this. If he is this controlling now, imagine what he has the potential to be like.

When I was engaged to my DH he made a huge fuss about a particular activity I enjoyed, which he felt was inappropriate. I buried my concerns over this and stopped doing it to avoid arguments. To me, that has become ridiculously significant in the light of how our relationship panned out. It has been said on here - when a man tells you what he is like, listen

You are well rid of this man. It's very clear that he wants you isolated, indoors, pregnant and barefoot, in a strange country where presumably women are property and thinks that the best way to secure this is to rush you into marriage and make sure you don't have the money to escape.

Either that or it's some sort of visa scam.

Reality Sat 25-Jun-11 12:44:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl Sat 25-Jun-11 14:26:22

I'm with Reality, run, run, run away as fast as you can. He is NOT being honest with you.

He wants you barefoot, pregnant and stuck out there.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now