'I feel like you don't want me here' he says

[electra]

Well really who could blame me?

I've had a very difficult few years where my marriage broke down and I had mental health problems. I had no choice but to go and live with my parents for a while because I was not in a fit to look after my children without help and their father works full time.

Anyway, I won't bore with too many details. Neither of my parents is emotionally healthy and have, imo said and done things that are cruel and have really hurt me (this goes back many years). I don't hate my mum because I think that although she's hurt me a lot she does love me and my children deep down but had a f*cked up childhood where her own mother was vile to her and is very damaged as a result but doesn't want to deal with it. My dad, however I really dislike - he has been so vile to me over the years and clearly couldn't care less about me that the anger I feel about that is always there and I don't know what to do with it and it does make me feel guilty. I am quite sure that he would have preferred me to live on the street than back at home and it was only my mum's influence that prevented that imo. When I was admitted to a psychiatric ward 2 years ago I would get telephone calls from them, shotuing at me and they called me a mad cow when I was very ill. My doctor was frustrated because she could see that living there was making me worse but I couldn't get well enough to move out.

About a year ago I felt that the only way I would be able to get well enough so that I could move out of their house was to have some psychotherapy. I did and it has been amazing - it has been hard at times but my therapist has helped me to realise some things with more clarity and accept my life as it is. I've had no episodes and my head is clear with no dialogue running through it any more. I feel like a normal person. So I managed to get our own place. I know it must have been annoying for him to have us there (understandably) but I always did the house work etc and tried to pull my weight when we were there and I did not want to be there! I do not think us being there justified the way he treated me (and anyway he always treated me like that since I was a child)

Now, you would think that my dad, the man who was physically and verbally abusive to me on a regular basis, called me a lump of shit and broke my personal belongings as well as other little acts of spite like putting wet towels on my bed every day would want to avoid me, right? But oh, no he wants to come and sit on my sofa, be rude to me as usual and tell me he'll stay here as long as he likes. Apparently he just wants to see the children. Yeah right. Why won't he just leave me alone? Oh and he gets the feeling I don't want him here. Well too bloody right.

Sorry, just venting.

[TheOriginalFAB]

There is no law that says you have to let your father in to your house..

[electra]

I know, FAB but he just stands there tapping on the window and gets angry if I don't answer the door.

[BrianKnowsAll]

change the locks (if he has a key) and make a game with the kids to hide behind the sofa everythime he comes round, we're really good at this game everytime a certain relative comes knocking, either that or we are just putting our coats on and going out, sorry relative!

[TheOriginalFAB]

Ignore him.

I know it is hard but he is bullying you.

[ShoutyHamster]

Then let him get angry, and when he does, call the police and tell them someone is behaving threateningly outside your door.

Seriously, this is the next step. It sounds as if your father is quite a bit of the reason why you've had such a difficult time. Congratulations to you on fighting back. Now you need to fight further.

Do you think he's a good grandfather? Do you think his influence in their lives is likely to be any more positive? I doubt it, even if he just sticks to abusing you in front of them, it's damaging. You KNOW he's bad for you, and I don't hear much feeling from you that he might change or that you'd miss him. So tell him (email, text, anything you find easiest) that you're glad you're out of his house, he's always treated you like shit, he's a big part of the reason you spent a time being a 'mad cow' (how lovely) and that you're delighted to say that from now on, you don't want yourself or your children having anything to do with his poison. And that next time he comes round, you'll call the police.

Good luck

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

ShoutyHamster is right: this horrible man is deliberately upsetting you because it makes him feel good to do so and YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT. Talk to your therapist if you like, she will give you support to stand up to him some more ie refusing to let him in. It IS ok to do this. It's his own fault you don't want to see him.

[Anniegetyourgun]

What an incredibly awful man. If it weren't for the fact that he once got your mother pregnant would you willingly have anything to do with him, ever? Let him get angry. He has no right to be. And he certainly doesn't have a right to come into your home. He'll stay there as long as he likes? Then he doesn't come in. Any more. Ever. If you want to see him (and why the fuck would you?) you'll invade his space.

It's your life now. You are an adult. You owe him NOTHING. (Except some wet towels on his bed.)

[inatrance]

I'm not surprised you don't want him there, he sounds like a complete twat!

It's time to get tough. Tell him he is not welcome unless he shows you respect. If he turns up refuse to let him in and call the police if he kicks off.

He's a coward and a bully and you don't have to put up with this any more.

[electra]

Thanks for your replies. This is something I do talk about a lot with my therapist and she seems to be of the opinion that it will be less damaging (to me) for me to cut contact gradually than in a 'nuclear' fashion.

The whole thing confuses me no end. My understanding is that he never wanted children and from a young age I got the feeling he felt displaced by me.

He is quite nasty and abusive to my mum as well (though not as bad as he is to me). But I have noticed she makes excuses all the time for his behaviour and when she speaks about him it's as if he's an unruly child who cannot be expected to be held accountable for his actions.

[TheOriginalFAB]

Your therapist isn't necessarily right.

[inatrance]

I disagree with your therapist. His continued presence in your life with all the bullying and abuse that goes with it is far more damaging to your self esteem.

Ultimately you are the only person who can change this situation. If you don't want him at your house making you feel shit then you have to do something different.

If you think cutting all contact is too much, why not start the process of getting him out of your life by banning him from your house to begin with?

Until you change what you're doing, nothing will change, why would it? Stand up for yourself OP why should you have to take this shit? It sounds like he ruined your childhood, don't let him ruin the rest of your life too.

[electra]

The problem is that my parents still have the ability to make me feel like a child even though I'm 30 years old. My therapist pointed out that, with all other people in my life my feelings are respected and they listen to what I say and I behave like an adult. I totally get what you're all saying - I cannot change his behaviour, I can only change my response. My parents have found numerous ways of manipulating me over the years and making it bdifficult for me to completely cut ties from them, but in subtle push-pull ways that meant I didn't see what was happening. I know that I will have to do that in order for things to improve. It is likely that I will have to move to another town in the next few years as the provision for my oldest dd who has autism is so non-existent here and she's nearing secondary age. Perhaps physical distance will help as at the moment I live in the same town.

[FabbyChic]

YOu need to move away from these vile parents and concentrate on your own life with your partner and your children. Cut them off forever. I did that with parents whose emotional abuse gave me BPD, who by the way they treated me throughout childhood ruined my life.

I have felt far better and less bogged down since I cut all contact.

Be strong you have to be in order to get to a better place mentally and emotionally.