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Finally had enough of toxic mother

(13 Posts)
memorylapse Fri 24-Jun-11 11:36:12

I have posted about my mother so many times over the years..heres the back story.

As a little girl, mum was fairly distant and detatched from me, my parents split when I was 6 yet I never recall my mum hugging me or cuddling me.a turbulent few years followed in which we moved back to wales to live with my grandparents, my mum seemed to leave most of the child rearing to my grandparents and had little to do with me. I shared a bed in the same room as my mum from the age of 8 to 13 which was pretty horrible, the day I started my periods I had no one to talk to and ended up going to school with cotton wool in my knickers, my mum met my step dad when I was 12, he was 26 he made it very clear that he didnt like me..I spent most of my time in my grandparents care while she built her relationship with him..
at 13..I made the decision to go and live with my dad and from that point barely had anything to do with my mother, she married etc and showed little interest in me..life with my dad was horrendous..I was beaten regularly and at 16 was removed by social services..my mother seemed blissfully unaware of all this. At 17 I lost a baby late in pregnancy, my mother didnt even come to visit me..
As the years have gone by Ive been more accepting of my mum..and just came to realise that she would never be the loving caring mum I wanted..everything would always be on her terms..
6 years ago she persuaded me to move back near her, convincing me that she would be helpful and supportive..my marriage was on the rocks at the time and Id nearly died of a stroke..so I returned along with my four children..the help was not there..and it was made clear to me that she would only visit once a week, never help out in an emergency, not answer the phone when my step dad was home, not associate with me when my step dad was off work..the contact would always be on her terms..yet my elder daughter aged 20 is welcomed with open arms, can visit freely, and stay there at weekends with her boyfriend.. etc..a few weeks ago, a misunderstanding between me and my mum lead to my elder daughter littering my face book page with abusive messages and telling me she wanted nothing more to do with me,my mother and daughter will frequently repeat things I have said innocently to either of them, and twist them to cause problems..
today I had enough after yet another barrage of abuse from elder daughter..I told my mother that I was fed up of her favouring her over her other grandchildren and she actually swore down the phone at me and hung up..so I have left her a message on her voicemail asking her to leave me alone..she has rung me back shouting down the phone that she intends to ring social services and have my children taken away from me because I amm poisonous and not fit to be a mumsad Im utterly distraught that she could even entertain the idea of doing such a sick thing, my youngest is only 14 months..I am going through a marriage break up and she hasnt even been to see me..I feel so utterly lost and bereft...but I know I will not be blackmailed into resumming contact

TheCrackFox Fri 24-Jun-11 11:55:08

<hugs>

You are doing the right thing - have no contact with this woman. She is evil.

SS are very used to having poisonous reports and should be able to see through her facade pretty quickly.

memorylapse Fri 24-Jun-11 12:08:24

thank you crackfox. I feel I have been under my mothers spell for so long and finally my eyes are open, whilst she is in my life I will never be able to function properly, Im sad for the loss of the mum she should have been..not the mum she is sad

MyHipsHurt Fri 24-Jun-11 12:16:29

OP, I totally sympathise. I have had a similar upbringing, having to share a room with mum for years as a teenager - she never gave me any privacy, refused to buy me sanitary towels, ridiculed me when buying my first bra, only showed interest in me inbetween her boyfriends when I became her substitute partner, and when she met someone else I would be immediately dumped in favour of the new man.

I have gone completely NC with her now and it's the best thing I have ever done. I do hope you find the strength to do the same; it's not easy but in the long term you will be better off without someone sucking the life blood out of you, and more importantly you can concentrate on you own family - the one you made.

Try not to worry about the SS - they can see through these nasty vindictive people.

IntergalacticHussy Fri 24-Jun-11 12:19:43

How tough for you to come to terms with. I'm going through similar at the moment so just wanted to lend you my solidarity. what's that bible quote about God 'giveth with one hand an with the other he taketh away'? or something. not that i'm religious, it's just that's how i'm beginning to see the grip my mum has always had over my life. Don't know if that makes sense to you.

memorylapse Fri 24-Jun-11 13:43:20

I think the thing I always remember is when I had DS 1..I was a lone parent as DD and ds's father had left me..mum didnt even tell anyone at work she had become a grandparent again as she was ashamed..when I married she was releived as she said she felt I was now respectable..up until then she had said that no one would ever want a single mum with two kids.when I had children with my now stxh..my mother told me that I had ruined dd ones lifeshock

turdass Fri 24-Jun-11 14:16:18

Can you move house and make a fresh start elsewhere?

I would agree with the others. Have NOTHING to do with your mother and (hard though it may be) tell your daughter that you will speak to her again IF and WHEN she treats you with civility and respect - and block her on facebook. It seems to me that there is a culture of bullying in your family and you are the victim. You need to make it clear that this is not going to happen again because you will not take it. Good luck. You have had more than your fair share of bad luck in life but if you are strong you can turn it around. I would say that moving would help a lot.

memorylapse Fri 24-Jun-11 15:51:15

turdass..Im looking into moving back down South where I lived before and you are so right..I feel that I have been constantly bullied by my family..tears ago when I was a lone parent my mums side of the family actually ganged up on me one christmas calling me a scumbag scrounger..my grandparents always defended me to the hilt as did my foster mother sadly both died of cancer when my dd1 was a new born..

one of the messages from my dd actually says and I have copied and pastied this:

Even stbxh wants to leav you cause of your nasty ways. Why did youthink I had a temper? Cause you constantly wound me up. I'm only happy now cause i got the chance to get away from you. I won't have you emailing me making me feel shit, leave me alone, you've lost me, you'll lose DS1,DS2 and DD's aswell if you're not careful and one day when you're alone maybe you'll take responsibility.
Good. Bye
Thats not the whole message I received either...my photo album is full of lovely photos of happy memories from when the elder two were little yet dd has suddenly re written her whole childhood..egged on I suspect by my mother

turdass Sat 25-Jun-11 12:42:00

Hope everything goes ok for you memorylapse. You need to get rid of anyone who is toxic (poss including your daughter for a while) and start again somewhere new. You have had a bad time but you can rebuild your life and start again. Good luck. Keep telling yourself that you are a good person and only deserve kind people in your life. Don't let yourself be a victim.

memorylapse Sat 25-Jun-11 15:18:20

nope..after 39 years I refuse to be a victim..Im looking at properties down south and thinking on planning a new furture..my mother has tried to ring several times today..I have ignored the phone

turdass Sat 25-Jun-11 17:05:22

She is ringing you because she is a typical narc mother - she has to keep reeling you back in in order to carry on abusing you. It is classic form. Don't answer the phone to her and don't interact with her (or your daughter for a while as she will be your mother's mouthpiece). Good luck. Stay strong. Let us know how you get on.

turdass Sat 25-Jun-11 17:06:41

Oh and she will probably start crying now and telling you how sad she is/how much she wants to help you/how much she needs you/ fake an illness or heart attack. It is all standard stuff. Don't be fooled.

memorylapse Sun 26-Jun-11 20:55:43

turdass..omg thats exactly what she does..she has left a message on my voicemail saying that she has to take my step dad to hospital next week (he had an operation on his eye last week) and I could tell the entire message was designed to make me feel bad!

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