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I am just to weak to leave?(9 Posts)
My head is all over the place. My marriage...it feels like the whole thing has been a lie. Everything that attracted me to this guy 11 years ago...well its all a lie.
I loved the fact I was the only woman he ever loved, the fact we shared the same views on almost everything, the way he would do anything to make me happy, never had secrets, shared everything.
and now? I find out its all been lies. The whole relationship from the start has been lies.
I confronted him. Even told him to get out. He packed his stuff but never left because I told him i love him. I do love him. I feel I cant be with a man that has lied to me for so long.
How do i leave/get him to leave if i still love him. I'm scared if he goes it will be the wrong thing. Yet I dont feel I can live with him.
I hate this i hate myself.
I think you need to take some time and figure out what you want. Have you thought of relate counciling?
If he's lied about everything, you don't know him - you love who you thought he was.
Why did it all come out? Was he caught out or did he confess?
Why not ask him to move to a friend's for a while or go yourself, while you get your head together? A bit of time apart might help you see your way forward, whether you work things out or decide to split.
He was caught out on some stuff, he did eventually admit to it although twisted that too.
But this morning I found other stuff which I have yet to confront him about.
He would never agree to counselling
OK, so he lies constantly and relentlessly, and even when caught out, will twist and justify everything. You've found out yet more - so he didn't even come fully clean when you confronted him - when he could have made a clean breast of it all. And you're sure he would never agree to counselling.
I'm sorry, I can't see you having a happy honest life with this man. If he won't come clean, if he justifies and excuses himself, if he won't agree to seek help for his - you either have to accept you cannot ever believe a word he says and stay with him anyway - or you walk away. I can see no reason why he would stop lying if he won't face up to what he's done. Maybe it's a compulsion, but if he won't seek help, there's no hope.
It happened to me, too. I really sympathise with your shock and distress. You need to be very, very kind & gentle with yourself. Tell as many people in real-life as possible, please! It helps to make it real. If you can afford a counsellor - for yourself, not a relationship counsellor - then find one. The space to talk freely about it all will be worth gold to you just now.
The world as you knew it has suddenly changed, hasn't it? The man you loved was just a made-up character, a pretence. He will try to keep you in, because your belief in the man you thought he was is what allows him to keep on pretending. He is not that man, he's the liar you've just uncovered.
Mumsnet's brilliant. Read a lot of threads in Relationships, if you haven't already. It's astonishing how many of these weirdos there are ... and they all follow the same scripts. On that topic, you should secure any money, documents, etc that you can NOW. When he fails to get you believing in the fake again, he'll try to pull every rug from under you. Box clever.
Long bath, chocolate, and lots of long talks with friends. Take care, and be careful. x
Has he really lied about EVERYTHING? How did you find out?
I know it is hard to deal with and hear but the man you love clearly NEVER existed. If he has lied about EVERYTHING and took a while to come clean then you need to get rid of him before his toxic lying becomes accepted by you because you think you love what he has pretended to be.
HE should move out and not you. Why should you go anywhere?!
I'm really sorry honey and really do know how you feel because I have had a similar situation, although I wasn't with him for quite that long.
Please take care of yourself and try to keep telling yourself that you are far better than a lying arsehole who obviuosly has NO respect for you.
Big hugs. x
Agree with everthing garlic said. I've been through that too.
A liar, to the extent you have suggested, is a liar, is a liar. nothing is what it seems. They use smoke and mirrors to deflect their dishonesty away from themselves. You never know where you stand. There seems to be an agenda that you can't quite grasp because the words don't seem to match your reality. Eventually you change your reality to theirs, and that way lies madness, IME.
Not that this means he doesn't also love you - but he doesn't love you enough to tell you the truth.
Is he worth it?
I was lucky that I found out my liar ex-b/f was a complete fantasist only a year into the relationship. He lied about his job & that he worked away. He made up friends, who would then have things happen to them so I couldn't see him. He had a g/f, so he lied about that too! He lied about his sexuality, he was also on sex swingers sites into all sorts of kinky-shit sex!
I fell apart completely when I found out. I felt betrayed and that everything I believed was destroyed!
I told everyone. I don't know how I managed to do that. I guess at the time I just wanted to believe that it was definately HIM doing all this shitty stuff and not me! People were astounded! FFS he told me his best friends wife had a blood clot on her brain so he couldn't make it down that weekend!!!
I am still angry about it, even 4 years later and in an amazing relationship.
Be nice and kind to yourself. If you want to cry, then do, get it all out. You are better than being with this lying arsehole!
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