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Obituary for a bad mother - want to join in?

(18 Posts)
garlicnutter Fri 24-Jun-11 02:22:24

I've been thinking about this for the obvious reasons - she's showing few signs of flagging, but the signs are there. When she goes, I'll get off lightly because my sibs elected me to deliver the address at my father's funeral. He was an arsehole with a handful of better qualities; we all sat round and discussed how terrified we'd been of him, then added a few good bits and I wrote my speech. It was not a eulogy.

When Mum goes, one of the others will have that questionable honour! But she's a bundle of tricks; there won't be the same negative consensus. So I've thought of my contribution. Here it is:

"A gifted and creative gardener, she always said she thought of plants as her children. As one of her human children, I can attest that she did."

BumptiousandBustly Fri 24-Jun-11 06:17:28

GarlicNutter - I didn't want to just ignore - it sounds like you have a very good handle on the situation - so congratulations on that - as someone who comes from a VERY dysfunctional family myself. I know that coming to any kind of clarity on things is not easy.

malinkey Fri 24-Jun-11 09:03:35

I think mine would be along these lines:

"Her mother really was an evil old bitch who made her childhood hell on earth so she didn't know the first thing about how to be a mother. However, she did a better job than her mother and she did try."

LisasCat Fri 24-Jun-11 09:09:14

My father recently passed away and I've had lots of practice describing him in more flattering terms than he probably deserved. It seems to run like this..

"He wasn't an intentionally bad man, and I honestly don't believe he meant to hurt anyone. He just made shit decisions, and ultimately the person he ended up hurting the most was himself."

garlicnutter Fri 24-Jun-11 13:00:04

Thanks, Bumptious! I did kind of feel better after I'd summed it up in 2 short sentences.

Malinkey - "did a better job than her mother and she did try" - oh, it's heartbreaking, isn't it? Glad you've managed to see her crapness for what it is.

Lisa, sounds like you've found a way to be more generous about your dad than he deserved - without lying. Clever! wink

tooshorttonotice Fri 24-Jun-11 13:22:36

How about turning it on its head and imagine what your DCs would say about you when the time comes. I tried, scared me. Must try harder or less hard.

GetOrf Fri 24-Jun-11 13:27:41

In all seriousness, my abusive gran died a couple of years ago. She raised me, my mother and my 4 uncles and aunts and was abusive to us all. Nobody was in touch with her (or had been for years) by the time she died.

We respected her wishes - we all knew that she had a morbid fear of being cremated so she had a church service and was buried. At the service the vicar made a brief speech alluding to the fact that none of her family had been in contact with her for many years (my gran wasn't in touch with any of her family at all), and therefore no eulogy would be said as it was inappropriate.

I don't see any point in making any bones about it. Yes, be respectful (as we were) but don't pretend it was all rosy in the garden.

garlicnutter Fri 24-Jun-11 13:31:41

It was nice of you to go to her funeral, BOF.

deste Fri 24-Jun-11 17:02:51

I have often wondered what we would say about my MIL at her funeral. The only thing I could come up with was that she did enjoy her trips to Blackpool and as my friend said you could also mention she liked cleaning.

garlicnutter Fri 24-Jun-11 17:17:30

" Here lies deste's MIL, sadly missed by Mr. Sheen. "
grin

garlicnutter Fri 24-Jun-11 17:18:24

Sorry GetOrf, I misnamed you! blush

PonceyMcPonce Fri 24-Jun-11 17:34:35

I guess it depends on whether you want to bare your soul at a public event. If you find it cathartic, then that's great, but if your mum had friends (possibly because she knew how to be a friend rather than a mum) then you might prefer to go with

'I would like to say she was a kind caring woman and will be missed'

To avoid the shock and questions from people to whom she was possible quite nice. Nb, you would like to say those things (even if they are not true)

deste Fri 24-Jun-11 21:46:26

PonceyMcPonce Well you might but I wouldn't be the one to bring it up. garlicnutter you made me laugh.

QueeferSutherland Fri 24-Jun-11 21:53:58

If you want to toe the line;

"She lived her life exactly as she wanted to, and always spoke her mind."

"Dsiblings & I are the people we are today thanks to her candid nature and sharp quick tongue."

"She was multi-faceted, and her friends and family will have their own impressions of her true personality."

Chummybud1 Fri 24-Jun-11 23:10:12

My mother, always right and warmer in death than life.

Made us who we are, independent, tough and very wise.

tb Sat 25-Jun-11 13:32:08

How about - "Her actions will live after her, they will long outlive her down the generations, and she will now be reaping her Eternal reward"

Well:
She took her ds (my much loved aunt) to be abused by a paedophile,
did the same to me,
let her 'd'b, my 'd'u abuse me before I could talk, etc, etc,
disowned me when I wouldn't surrender my marriage, our money or my career change.

Then, when I dared to get in touch with my aunt - 14 years later, despite her telling both of us that the other thought we were despicable and never wanted to speak to us for the rest of our lives - she did something despicable that caused my aunt/god mother to have her last and very serious stroke that killed her 2 years ago. 'D'm is still alive - knocking on 96!

She now amuses herself by calling a solicitor to rewrite her will on a frequent basis. The son of the same solicitor she used when my gf died intestate - 14 months after she blackmailed him to transfer his house to her in for return for being cared for while he had cancer - didn't stop her going abroad for 2 weeks after checking with the doctor that he would outlive the holiday. Incidentally, the house was worth 12 times the then value of the inheritance tax limit, and the same firm would have done the transfer AND would have known about it when they wound up his affairs. His son is now drafting her wills - and obviously acts in the interest of his clients as did his father.

garlicnutter Sat 25-Jun-11 14:06:39

Blimey, tb, I think she deserves something stronger than that!

Queefer, your "multi-faceted" one is just brilliant for not saying what you mean grin

I think malicious people should get a bit of recognition for it, though - they can't hear and it makes us feel better.

takeonboard Sat 25-Jun-11 14:19:04

Jeez tb words fail me......

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