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It's happened again...

(510 Posts)
rockyroadtoruin Thu 23-Jun-11 21:47:28

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair sad

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

Newbabynewmum Thu 23-Jun-11 21:51:55

There will be someone here soon who knows more than me. Please get out. If he's done it twice and promised he was so sorry and to change before then no way will he. You don't want your children growing up with a violent father. It's not your fault and you CAN do it on your own. Don't stay just because you're pregnant and scared. Please please leave him.

xpatmama Thu 23-Jun-11 21:56:54

how awful...

i am not at all an expert, but I would say that I am SURE you can deal with two children on your own; this fear should not be a reason to stay with your DH.

To me in general this sets off massive warning signs, and you should know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

I believe that you should leave immediately and think carefully about your next step from a safe place.

Good luck with it all; I hope that more experienced mumsnetters will be along soon to help you out.

CareyFakes Thu 23-Jun-11 22:02:13

Get right out. You're worth more than that, a time comes when someone not only intimidates you, but physically abuses you, which he has done, you need to protect you and your children (one in the womb). You are not to be treated like this, it's not normal, and never will be.

Good luck, take comfort in what you have

HerHissyness Thu 23-Jun-11 22:02:16

Of course you can cope with 2DC! you know that! ((hugs))

You can't stay in this situation, really you can't.

You can not ever, and I mean ever make him change. he hit you once, he has now given himself to hit you again. These things only ever escalate.

Counselling will help YOU recover from a violent and abusive relationship, but it will never, ever make any difference to HIM.

Relate and other relationship counsellors often refuse to take cases where violence is an issue, as they know that these kinds of abusers use the counselling as another weapon to beat you with.

There is one option. One sole option and that is to leave him.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he is now technically dangerous, and you have DC to think of, and yourself. You could waste the next 10 years trying to reason with him (as I did) or you can accept the fact that your safety and that of your DC is more important than a relationship with a violent drunk.

You have all the evidence you need to make the decision.

if he so much as looks at you again, call 999 and get him removed. get legal advice and get them to get a removal order, and then you can stay in the house.

Otherwise, get a bag together, money, passports, documents, photos, clothing and get out, get somewhere safe and stay there.

If you own your own property, you can get a charge put on it to protect any equity.

Do not waste time thinking you can make a difference. Nothing you did caused this and nothing you could ever do, think, be or say could ever change it.

I know that is a hard pill to swallow, but you don't have the luxury of time, your situation is now unsafe.

keep posting please, we are here for you.

CareyFakes Thu 23-Jun-11 22:03:54

I'm a lone parent, my DD has no father, it's quite simple and not as hard as others think. Just remember what your child see's and senses will be more damaging than stepping away. Please do what you feel and know is right xx

HerHissyness Thu 23-Jun-11 22:04:27

I'm not going to batter you with demands, and I don't think it would be helpful to you for anyone else to rant at you either.

You need to feel supported and helped, not embattled and shouted at.

If you have RL support, please use it. It won't be forever.

HH is right, there is nothing you can do to make this man behave himself. He has decided that it's OK to hit you, because you are his property. Abusive men deep down think that women are less than human: somewhere between a domestic appliance and a disobedient dog that can be thumped or kicked when its behaviour is unsatisfactory. You can get rid. There is lots of help out there. Best of luck.

BelleDameSansMerci Thu 23-Jun-11 22:10:13

HerHissyness is right. He will not change.

If you don't have friends or family to help immediately (assuming you need it), Women's Aid site here.

Please don't even think about counselling with him etc, it won't help you.

rockyroadtoruin Thu 23-Jun-11 22:22:42

we have been together four years and it has only started since he started drinking a lot. His mother was diagnosed with bowel cancer earlier this year. He also has a very stressful job and heavy workload.
In the last few months he has been drinking ridiculous amounts four or five times a week and comes home reeking of alcohol most nights after work. do you think he has a problem with alcohol?? I know that doesn't excuse it. just trying to make sense of it all.

Newbabynewmum Thu 23-Jun-11 22:24:52

Moat abusers will do it with or without alcohol. Has anyone recommended lunch bancroft's book yet? It's really brilliant.

There is no excuse for his behaviour. No job is so stressful that means a man can hit his wife. No matter how much of a difficult time it is for him.

Its not acceptable for him to treat you like this. Please don't make excuses for him. I'm sure deep down you know that xx

HerHissyness Thu 23-Jun-11 22:25:05

does it matter?

Really?

many people have problems. parents, get sick, they die, work is ALWAYS shit, no matter what you do. Life is stressful.

None of that means you have the right to go and batter your wife.

Most abusers DO have a dependency/problem with drugs or alcohol. It's the crutch they use to avoid blame.

Newbabynewmum Thu 23-Jun-11 22:25:11

*Lundy Bancroft

HerHissyness Thu 23-Jun-11 22:25:56

xposted there with Newbabynewmum! grin

PrinceHumperdink Thu 23-Jun-11 22:28:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockyroadtoruin Thu 23-Jun-11 22:53:31

Last time I threatened to leave he said he will "ruin" me and if I go it will be without dd. this isnt going to be easy sad

PrinceHumperdink Thu 23-Jun-11 22:55:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xales Thu 23-Jun-11 22:58:43

You can't make him change sad

Counselling will only help if he admits he has a problem and goes for the counselling himself sad

The best thing you can do is leave (or ask him to go). He needs to see that this is unacceptable and sort himself out before you can repair your marriage. He needs to be serious about this, going to the GP, anger/violence management and councelling before you begin to think about bringing your children up in this enviornment.

If you stay and try to make it work nothing will change he will just continue to give himself license to carry on or get worse. Then you will be even more trapped.

He won't be able to force you out and keep custody of DD. Abusers often say this and it's bullshit. He can be forced out of the home and prevented from returning due to his violence.

blackeyedsusan Thu 23-Jun-11 23:31:21

if you have any marks, get them photographed by womens aid or victims support. thes can be used as evidence in court.

you could go to your gp and sk to be checked out because you have been pushed over. this will be logged on their system then and will help with evidence for residency/access.

make plans now. don't leave it. it is very likely to get worse, especially as he has done it a second time. don't justify it and say it isn't that bad because he only pushed me. it is tempting to do that. (i did) although there is a lot of bad press about being a single mum, this is a lot better than raising children in violent family setting. and a lot better for you too... it is not as hard as you may think especially if you have some family support.

swallowedAfly Thu 23-Jun-11 23:32:49

Message withdrawn

swallowedAfly Thu 23-Jun-11 23:36:06

Message withdrawn

Brad79 Thu 23-Jun-11 23:38:58

Never ever feel that you are to blame or that any actions you have taken can justify his behavior towards you. There is never a justification for a man to even lay a finger upon a woman.

He is the one that is sub human and less of a man. As is so often mentioned in threads because he got away with it the first time he will now think he has canche blanc to do it again.

You will not be able to change him only yourself and the life for you DC and they are the most important aspect. It wont be easy but as has been advised by the staple wise MNers, get in contact with woman's aid.

You have taken the first brave step by seeking out advice on this forum and you will have the strength to see it through. To give yourself and your DC the best chance of a happy life where you are not waking on egg shells.

Good luck

Morloth Thu 23-Jun-11 23:40:28

You need to get away, if you won't do it for your sake do it for your children's.

You are pregnant hitting you is the same as punching your baby.

Don't wait until he decides that your DD is not acting properly.

Call Womens Aid they will be able to give you practical advice.

If you stay it will get worse, it always does. Always

pickgo Fri 24-Jun-11 00:09:10

Hi Rockyroad

Are you okay?
Where is your H now? What did he do after he pushed you earlier?

This must be such a hard thing for you to take in right now, I imagine you must be in shock at the moment. Sadly it is all too common for women to experience their partner becoming violent for the first time during pregnancy.

Take it easy, and I'd suggest that a check-up with your GP might be helpful to reassure you baby is okay.

If you feel in any immediate danger you can ring 999. The police are very good at handling DV nowadays.

Keep posting x

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