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from abusive relationship to healthy relationship...or...ANY relationship?

(13 Posts)
bejeezus Thu 23-Jun-11 21:22:58

I am seperating from my alcoholic and mildly abusive stbxh

I have been reading some pretty inspiring stories on the abusive relationship support thread by some very brave and strong women.

Many seem to go on to meet very kind and respectful men and have happy healthy 'normal' relationships


I cannot imagine EVER being with anyone EVER again..its not something thta I am lamenting. I just want to be on my own with my kids and be peaceful and take care of us. I dont want to think about someone elses happiness or compromise or take someone elses feelings/ thoughts/ opinions/ preferences into account. I dont want to pick up any mans socks or do his washing or smell his beery breath or listen to his snoring EVER again

I would like to have sex again. But its been so long having no sex or bad sex, that I feel I could get by without.

Did you all feel like this at first?
when did it change?
did you acively look for another man?
where you swept off your feet?
how did you trust again?
werent you scared?

HerHissyness Thu 23-Jun-11 21:45:25

Love, you know I am with you on the can't ever see it happening thing... for me!!!

It's OK, relax! We are not in the right space to start another relationship!

There are so many good things waiting for us! Time to ourselves, making our own decisions, resting, relaxing, not worrying about what we have done, said or thought that will piss him off. None of that. >Poof!< it's gone! Just like that.

Well, when I say just like that, it's not so simple as that, but you start to see flashes of good bits very soon after he and you have officially gone into separate spaces.

I think us getting to a place where we say "I don't need anyone in my life, I am happy with myself the way I am, I don't want anyone coming in and telling me what to do, and I just want to make my own life for a bit, and be a little bit selfish, look after ourselves and enjoy freedom of thought, action, and word.

I bet a lot felt as you do, as I do, but it's good, we need that time to heal.

Oh - swept off our feet??? hmm tsk tsk, we all know that is a red flag bejeezus!! <stern look> grin

bejeezus Thu 23-Jun-11 21:51:23

Oooops!! grin - still a lot to learn!!

i was sooo happy on my own before i met this fucker. i had started to think I really SHOULD meet some one and settle down...haha! maybe this was just one very complicated and painful lesson!

I have 2 gorgeous children though. So all was not in vain

I feel truly shock at the thought of being with anyone else

tippytap Thu 23-Jun-11 21:52:24

I hear ya!

This is pretty much how I feel. I just can't imagine living with anyone (apart from DD, of course!) again.


BibiBlocksberg Thu 23-Jun-11 22:04:04

Another one here agreeing with HerHissyness and tipitap. With every previous relationship I used to feel desperate and be crying as I didn't think anyone else would want me.

This time around I really honestly couldn't give a tiny rats behind if i never meet anyone else.

Too ecstatic finally being myself after nearly 20years of putting up with various male 'twatteries'

Having the time of my life doing exactly what i want when I want.

Every small thing is delightful to me atm from choosing curtains to bedding to furniture to what to eat to where to go etc etc etc. And no one to whine and stall and make me feel everything about me is wrong somehow!!

Whoops, sorry for rant but just wanted to say that society will try to make us believe that we HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy but i say ignore ignore ignore and do your own thing smile

bejeezus Thu 23-Jun-11 22:49:22

I very slightly worry about getting old alone, surrounded by jam-jars, old newspapers and cats

babyhammock Thu 23-Jun-11 22:56:45

Me too..couldn't be less interested and can't imagine wanting to atm.

BibiBlocksberg Thu 23-Jun-11 23:07:25

Got the cats already - just leaves me to start collecting old newspapers and to start smelling of stale urine grin

I was 'marvelling' at an elderly couple in the supermarket today - he very evidently had nothing but contempt for his wife/girlfriend/partner and spoke to her like shit.

Did think to myself that I'd rather be alone even in old age rather than put up with something like that still at that time of life.

Nope, the next one to get under my John Lewis clearance duvet cover will have to pretty damn special!

Sorry for retail name dropping but am currently enjoying bedding with pink birds embroidered all over it and am so chuffed smile

PINK bedding would not have been 'allowed' when I was still coupled up so double delight for me smile

Little things eh.........

bejeezus Thu 23-Jun-11 23:38:34


yes!! Id rather be soaked in piss, than STILL be putting up with that kind of crap in old age

bejeezus Thu 23-Jun-11 23:39:21

i do have lesbian envy--i wish I was one

Morloth Fri 24-Jun-11 05:11:12

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Enjoy your freedom. One day a man may come along that makes your life better, but he may not as well.

EveHarrington Fri 24-Jun-11 07:17:33

I'm not in the same position as some of you (ie leaving an abusive relationship) but have decided the same. I can't bear the thought of being coupled up with another person.

Although, for some reason last night, I picked up a book I've had for years (A Thousand Splendid Suns) and reading it again brought me out in tears and made me feel guilty. I thought to myself there are people that go through far worse than their husband simply cheating on/lying to them. I was almost ready to swoop into DH's room and push for a reconciliation. Then I realised that all because people have to live with so much worse does not mean I have to tolerate behaviour that demeans me as a person and demeans the whole idea of our relationship and our family. I still have doubts - I worry about the effect splitting up will have on my DS, the pull between what will eventually be two separate homes - but for now, I am happy with my decision.

However, where we differ is on the sex part - six months of no sex is getting tedious! I'm having lunch with an acquaintance today (haven't deciphered yet whether it is a "date" or not) but it's going to take all my willpower not to leap at him over the table grin

And I wouldn't go down the lesbian envy route if I were you. Having been in previous relationships with women, it is possible for some of them to be just as selfish/lazy etc as (if not more than) certain men. Less about the genitals, more about the person behind the genitals smile

Onemorning Fri 24-Jun-11 18:40:04

Hi bejeezus (Sorry for long post)

In 2001 I left my abusive, alcoholic exh. All of my relationships up to that point had been abusive in one way or another, because I was willing to put up with a lot of shit so I wouldn't be alone.

In 2002 I met a man on a train and we started a relationship. I stayed in it nearly 3 years, but wasn't happy. I thought if a man wasn't actively drinking heavily, stealing my money, telling lies or pushing me around meant he was a 'keeper'.

He was controlling and a emotionally abusive - saying cruel things, sulking and driving at 100mph when he knew it terrified me. I kicked him out after I found he'd been having email sex with another woman. Charming.

A few months later I started internet dating, and met my husband. He's not perfect (neither am I), but he's gentle and supportive and kind. I have never, ever felt threatened by him. I dumped him for a while early on, because he was drinking loads and had stopped looking after himself, and I wasn't going to look after another man. He sorted himself out and asked me back out again. I wasn't sure at the time but I have never regretted my decision.

In the last few years I've had a lots of counselling, and I have learned a lot about myself. I still struggle with my self-esteem, but I've been learning boundaries (my family... a whole other story) and that I deserve my own care. That I don't have to look after others, and I don't have to put up with the things I used to.

I know today that if I was on my own, that would be okay. I am resilient and independent, and have started to trust my instincts instead of ignoring them.

Sorry, tl;dr. It can get better, I really wish you and your kids all the best.

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