Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this the end? Any advice please! x

(10 Posts)
PauloMartini Thu 23-Jun-11 20:42:51

Hi, been married for 7 years, known each other for 14, we have 4 children. Our marriage has been peppered with problems, ups and downs-like everyones. We've worked though these however over the last year or 2 he has become more and more verbally abusive saying things that leave me feeling like an empty bag. I told him in April-any more and I will leave as I can't take any more. He's said he will change and so far he has stopped.

However over the years I have been feeling more and more taken for granted, worthless and inconsidered. He is an excellent provider and works really hard. He works 6-7 days a week from Nov to May during which time I do everything at home and see to kids all the time. At the end of his busy period, he decides he wants a motorbike because he has worked so hard. Doesn't acknowledge what I've done or the sacrifices I've made, which is like a slap in the face, as if I don't matter as I don't bring much money in. He gets his motorbike (£4.5K), I get f*k all. I just want to be acknowledged and appreciated for what I've done.

His worked has quietened down to 3 days a week. I've recently started a business and have needed him to watch the kids so I can get work done. I've basically got a 'barter' or give him time on his bike so he'll watch the kids. I feel like he's behaving like a kid, he pulls a face if he thinks he's not getting enough time on his bike. Yet he's expecting me to earn X amount with hardly any support from him. The times he is helping me he is throwing it back in my face. After me fully supporting him for the last 6 years I've never thrown it back at him.

It's at the point now that he's really getting on my nerves. His selfishness is pushing me away, his lack of consideration is completely f&cking me off. I don't think I love him any more. I've been sleeping on the couch lately - I don't want to try and more - I told him to go away on his bike a couple of days as I need a break. I've been fantasising about having an affair and being treated with care, compassion and appreciation. My dad is concerned about the way he speaks to me, his mum is shocked at how negative he is with me and a few people think is really selfish (his friends included) and not a team-player.

I feel it's the end of the road. Is it? I'm exhausted thinking about it. Don't know what to do, where to turn? anyone got any advice... please?

MigratingCoconuts Thu 23-Jun-11 20:50:51

I really feel your weariness of it all in that post...sad

I don't usually like saying this over a thread but it sounds to me like you know this is over and you want it to be over. From what you say of your friends and family, this is something everyone is seeing.

I think you need to talk with him about just how close to the end you are. how is he likely to react to that?

PauloMartini Thu 23-Jun-11 20:55:37

Sorry, it was a long post...
It's such a big decision. I've given this my best but I don't think I can take any more.

How do you know it's over? I told him before he went away for the weekend that I've started dreaming about having an affair. To me that means a lot that I'm thinking like that..

Has anyone else been in this situation? x

MigratingCoconuts Thu 23-Jun-11 21:06:12

I was left after my first DH had an affair...he then came back 6 months later wanting to try again. Deciding i did not want to was one of the most difficult things I have ever done and stopped me eating for a while.

I knew though, because I literally was having dreams at night where I would suddenly find myself back with him and I was so filled with horror and dread. I knew it was over but I found breaking the vows I had taken so seriously really hard.

I guess you have to realise you have a responsibility to yourself...your future self in particular. Where do you want to be in five years time and how to you want to be feeling? If he will be a part of destroying that future then you owe it to yourself to go. You have a responsibility to yourself to set yourself free from this situation.

Its hard but totally worth it, once you have made that decision.

PauloMartini Thu 23-Jun-11 21:44:13

I know what you mean-I owe it to myself and my kids...
It's just making the decision. You sound really strong. x

MigratingCoconuts Thu 23-Jun-11 21:59:32

I am now!! grin

one thing I can say for the experience is you learn a lot about yourself

chosenone Thu 23-Jun-11 22:02:03

I feel your pain OP sad before i split with exDH I was questioning everything constantly, right decision, wrong descion etc I gave myself a time limit of 6 months and we talked openly about it, Nothing changed- things got worse and we had to make the break, it is stressful, scary and will affect you deeply but life is short and life is what you make it. You have been clear about your concerns and expectations and nothings changed. Be honest and tell him you think its time to seperate and see how he reacts, if he works harder or if like my ex admits defeat, throws the towel and moves on. We're all happier and settled now but thinking back to that time makes me feel sick.

PauloMartini Fri 24-Jun-11 14:08:22

Thanks a lot guys. x

FetchTheMaid Fri 24-Jun-11 14:44:10

Compelled to write. A few years ago I was in a very similar position. Near the end I was the one that had to be responsible for everything. He earned money but considered his hobbies took priority for the money. He would run up debts which I would have to pay.
He was verbally abusive - very subtle though - just wore me down - that I must be stupid to think x,y,z or to watch certain programmes. I was told I was ugly and too fat (when I was a size 10!)
We had 4 DC - again I was responsible for them. I had to go out and work and he did the bare minimum when he was watching them. It was usual to have more to come back to than when I went out.
When I decided to get more qualifications he said he would do more around the house to help out - but did less. EG day before my final exam he sat on his backside while I looked after kids, trying to get in last minute studying - then he asked what I was making for dinner.
I also wondered what it would be like to go out with other men - probably quite telling in itself!
All of these are minor on their own but overall I felt worn out and worthless and thought it would be too difficult to make a break.
I told him unless he changed it was over - he thought I was joking and played the guilt card - about uprooting the kids and them coming from a broken home. I limped along for a further year and when we'd been together 16 years altogether I had a vision of another 16 years with him and literally felt sick.
That's what made me leave.
He refused to leave the (rented) house - so I had to go and we 'shared care' of kids to make it as painless as possible. Anyway that didn't work, as he didn't look after them properly. I'll not bore you with the details - it ended up being a very acrimonious split. However it was the best decision I have ever made - ever.

I now have a fantastic life with a DH who worships me. smile

Very best of luck - imagine the life you want and who you want in it and go for it

thumbwitch Fri 24-Jun-11 14:49:12

While I don't thikn having an affair is the answer, I think that the fact that you're considering it gives you your answer - it's time to let go and move on. sad
He is a selfish arse who is just taking everything and giving almost nothing in return - your Dad can see it, his mum can see it, you can see it - the only one that can't see it (or won't) is him. Do what FetchTheMaid did - imagine another 14 years like this with this man and see how you feel. Then do something about it - sounds like you'd have family support to leave him/make him leave.

So sad for you that it has come to this but you need to give yourself a break; and to show your DC that married life doesn't have to be this shit.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now