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WTF do I still want my parents' approval?

(5 Posts)
googietheegg Thu 23-Jun-11 14:32:04

I am so sick of the same issue causing me pain, but I am stuck as to what to actually do about it other than having a big fall out, which I'd rather not have (but would if necessary)

Basically, I feel like I have to be perfect for my parents, even though they often let me down. They over-promise and under-deliver all the time (promised me the 'wedding of my dreams' but gave me a very small amount of money for the wedding even though they had sold a business for a huge profit; didn't call me or contact me at all for 10 days when I was having a miscarriage; didn't send my husband a gift for his 40th...)

I know this shouldn't matter. I know I should just get on with my life and shrug and say 'they're just people too', but it really hurts me. I wouldn't dream of not acknowledging their birthday (especially a big one) and if I did they would call and say 'did you send me a present as I've not received anything...?

They always say stuff like 'we think of you all the time' or 'you know we'll do anything for you' or 'we all support each other', but these are simply not true.

It's got to the point where my husband (who is a great listener) has got sick of me talking about it as nothing changes, but when I try to do something to change it nothing works. My parents will stoop lower than I would ever consider but I still want them to be pleased with me and I am sick of being so influenced by them.

I know the issue is that I feel guilty for moving away from my home town when everyone else in my family have stayed, but I have a good life and make an effort to include them.

Ahhhh! Thanks for reading...any advice?

Bennifer Thu 23-Jun-11 14:39:37

I think it might be a mistake on your part to include the miscarriage with the wedding money and your husband's gift. They're surely not equal issues.

Still, I suppose it's natural to want approval from parents

HerHissyness Thu 23-Jun-11 14:45:48

You have started the process of seeing them for who they are.

Sad isn't it?

I've only now disengaged, I'm 43 this weekend, and am going to have to tell my father that (despite giving him the impression otherwise) I will not be attending the lunch with him (and his wife) on Sunday.

It'll be the first time I don't do what I'm expected to do, but the man has kind f overstepped one massive mark too many with me and DSis. I'm no longer prepared to care what he thinks of me.

My people pleasing days are OVER!

My mantra is What's In It For ME? Selfish perhaps, but I've been trying to do the right thing for 40-odd years and I realise that no-one is there when I really need help, (coming out of a 10 year abusive relationship) so sod em, if you are not with me, no bother, because I AM WITH ME!

Put yourself/your family first love, it's different, it's refreshing and it makes a bloody good point. Back your DH, and tell them off for ignoring him, or if that doesn't work, then ignore their birthdays for a while.

Oh, I thought you weren't bothering with birthdays after you didn't get anything for H's 40th...hmm grin

googietheegg Thu 23-Jun-11 15:45:14

Thank you both. I think it's quite good to think that I'm starting the process of disengaging, it seems like all or nothing but I suppose it isn't.

I know the issues aren't all the same, but to me they feel like examples of a)over-promise and under-deliver (I don't expect anything, but if I'm promised something it is sad when you're let down) and b)stuff that they would pull me up on if I did it but is all 'do-de-do nothing to see here' if they do it.

HerHissyness Thu 23-Jun-11 16:01:55

they HAVE let you down, in monetary, and emotional terms.

No wonder you are hurt, you have every right to be.

A helpful mantra for you might be a Relationships favourite 'Actions not Words'

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