Moving on - sex and intimacy after years of rejection.

[Sillyflower]

Hello,

Sensitive issue here....Have not posted for a while.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 8 years. It ended in Jan/feb. He had affair. I totally fell apart at first but now we are separated and feel amazing apart from one thing......

My ex withheld sex from me - he controlled me with it (He has issues - part psychological part functional ). The sex was always not quite right even in the early days. There were always issues with developing intimacy and affection - We did get help and it made a difference for a while, I had DC. Then things got worse.

It got to the point that I was not able to look at him or touch him. Even if I touched him/kissed him in the early days he would pull away and accuse me of just wanting sex.

Sex itself was a taboo subject. Intimacy became impossible.

Then he turned it around saying that I didnt show him affection. It was so loaded with fear I was by that point paralysed by not knowing what to do.

I have no confidence and feel like it was my fault - that there was something wrong with me.

Previous relationships were healthy with no sex issues so i realise that it was him.

Now I just need to have a good experience.

Any advice about how to go about this.

Anyone have a similar experience and get past it somehow.

Thank you for reading

[carlywurly]

hi sillyflower,

yes I did have a similar experience and also worried the way you are doing.

When I met DP, I didn't worry at all. The dynamic was totally different between us. He is incredibly open, and comfortable in his sexuality and it never felt uncomfortable or embarrassing in the slightest.

He, and therefore the whole experience was so very different, that I was too, iykwim. It has honestly never been an issue, quite the reverse really.

You will go on to have good experiences, and even if they aren't so great, they will be different, and you will learn from them. Try not to worry, I don't think you need to.

[Sillyflower]

Thankyou for your message Carly,

I know I am just being ridiculous. I just can't imagine it if you know what I mean.
I think the hardest thing at the moment is just getting out and meeting people (single mum cant afford much bbsitting....)
I think I will end up internet dating as it seems to be quite straightforward these days.
I am sure it will be fine when it happens.
I seem to attract quite critical blokes - which is annoying as I would never comment in that way about someones hair, size of boobs, arse.....its so mean!

One of my friends thinks its how blokes show me they like me!

Anyway wish me luck finding someone normal.

Your message made me feel better- thankyou

[Jazzicatz]

You are not silly at all. Going through what you did is bound to leave you feeling shit, that is the reason these men do it. Give yourself time to recover from your past relationship and take time rebuilding your confidence. Have you had any counselling? It's not that you attract critical men and only critical men, it's just that due to the EA you may think that is all you deserve. However, that is not the case and you can get passed this.

[Sillyflower]

Hi Jazz,

Yes I am having councelling and its revealing how much of an affect it has had on me....even now I still put ex first - am still caught up in the drama of his life etc. and in the sessions almost need to be prompted to talk about myself!
Its so strange.

At least I am aware of it now - and the support is great - I seem to be able to normalise his behaviour - and he still uses me as a vent for his frustration - he still treats me like shit, speaks to me in a way that he would not speak to anyone else etc. - but now its easier to stand up to him and recognise it.

I Think you are right about taking time. I feel like I just want to meet up with friends and remember who I was before this happened and just have a fun summer. Putting Me and DC first for once.....

There is a weird feeling of freedom now that I never thought I would experience again....