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He said he will let me go

(11 Posts)
elephantsaregreen Thu 23-Jun-11 09:43:20

I've posted a couple of times...

(Will provide summary but can link to backstories if anyone is that interested)

DP and I have been in counseling since Jan. That was when I told him I wanted to split. He asked to go to counseling and here we are.

Today we had a massively hard session where he basically said he is tired of feeling like he isn't living up to my expectations. That I should accept him for who he is or leave.

Basically I am an emotional person. With a rich imagination and sense of connection to people. He is extremely introverted, on meds for anxiety/depression with a strong negative self-narrative.

We function well as a family, with our two small kids. But our relationship is very in my opinion, superficial.

Turns out that me showing vulnerability and asking for emotional intimacy feels threatening to him.

I think we love each other and both want this to work but it's almost like we couldn't be more opposite in how we want our relationships to be.

We struggle to communicate. I am very verbal and intellectual. He has dyslexia and quickly feels belittled by me, even when I am desperately trying to be straight with him.

It's like if I am try to be myself, it hurts him. And when he tries to be himself, it hurts me.

Can we survive this?

(Example, the other day I sent him a text which was a bit poetic and showing some vulnerability. I meant it as an invitation, he thought I was having a dig at him)

Backstory, we were only together for 2.5 months before we got pregnant with our first. She is turning five in Sept. DD2 is 3.5

also a good thing which came out of the session is that I asked that we put separation on the table at the next session. Just to talk about it. consider all our options if you know what I mean.

strawberryjelly Thu 23-Jun-11 14:25:01

have sent you a PM.

elephantsaregreen Thu 23-Jun-11 21:14:03

Thanks Strawberryjelly. I appreciated that.

I suppose this isn't an easy thread because there are no black and white answers. I know I should value my happiness but it feels like that is at the expense of the kids. I know I should stand my ground but that feels 'mean' towards him.

I feel very trapped.

JudysJudgement Thu 23-Jun-11 21:18:26

Basically I am an emotional person. With a rich imagination and sense of connection to people. He is extremely introverted, on meds for anxiety/depression with a strong negative self-narrative.

hmm those self help books and psychobabble crap has a lot to answer for

Portofino Thu 23-Jun-11 21:33:09

"Example, the other day I sent him a text which was a bit poetic and showing some vulnerability. " What does that actually mean in plain English please?

If I spent my time sending dh poetic text messages, he'd think I'd gone mad.

Is the problem that you are thinking hearts, flowers and being swept off your feet, whereas he's happy with Top Gear and a cuddle on the sofa?

elephantsaregreen Thu 23-Jun-11 22:06:22

Hi all
I'm not asking to be swept off my feet with flowers and stuff. He isn't even interested in a cuddle on the sofa. He literally never sits next to me on the same couch. The only times he touches me is a quick peck hello/good-bye. Mainly because I've stopped initiating because I feel very rejected when he gives me a quick squeeze and drops his arms. I've been dealing with post operative issues following a hemmarrhoidectomy and he cooked up a big pot of Maccaronni and Cheese which he knows I can't eat at the moment. No consideration for my dietary needs.

Judys - not sure what you mean by psychobabble crap. I'm a trained social worker and do tend to view things a bit more analytically, true.

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jun-11 22:26:15

I think only you can answer this one - what do you feel?

I have to say I had similar issues with my ex, and it was insurmountable. sad

Portofino Thu 23-Jun-11 22:34:32

Oh lord, surely not the American troll again. Give it up.

MarioandLuigi Thu 23-Jun-11 22:39:10

Not this again!


elephantsaregreen Fri 24-Jun-11 02:07:15

Portofino and Mario; are you saying you think I'm 'the American troll'? In which case you are wrong. (Perhaps the surgery comment?) Why don't you just ignore the thread if you're not interested. (I agree the comment from me re: food sounded a bit out of context, I was just trying to show an example of how invisible I feel to him).

I'm genuinely distraught because my relationship is at the brink of collapse and I have found several times in the past that posting here has been helpful thanks to genuine and thoughtful posters.

I'd like to think that I am open for feedback though. I've been trying very hard to tone down my own desire for increased intimacy and connection for the sake of him, our family and joint happiness. and I've posted about how that can sometimes feel like a fair compromise and sometimes like I'm 'settling for less'. How to draw the line and tell the difference is the challenge I suppose.

I'm in NZ which is why I post at different times.

universalis Fri 24-Jun-11 11:36:56

I think you and your husband are doing brilliantly well. Marriage is not easy and if you're functioning really well on a superficial level be happy with that for a few months or even a couple of years. you have loads of other satisfying things going on children and career just treat him as your best friend even though he may not seem it. confide in him, have a laugh with him and you may find you might look back from a deeper more loving relationship than you could have imagined. Just relax and dont think about the bigger picture for a while and just enjoy being married with a couple of kids. Tell him how great you think he is, tell him how much you love him (because clearly you do) and then leave it if he doesnt say it back so what maybe he will another time surprise him by building up his own self worth and then you'll have a much nicer partner to be around.

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