I'm a regular-ish poster but needed to name change. This is just the safest place to unload.
This morning I was on the phone to my mum. I had to take my van off the road a year ago when it went wrong and I couldn't afford to fix it; it felt like a relief at the time as I can't afford to run a vehicle. Mum had offered that her partner's friend would fix it for me so I could sell it and pay back the cost of the repairs as it's worth a lot more as a runner so he's taken it away to fix. The night before he came to pick it up, she phoned and said that I could have her partner's daughter's old car, that I could owe Mum the money. I said 'no' as I really can't afford to run it and didn't want to owe her and she offered to pay the insurance for me, she pointed out how happy DS would be if I had a car again and how I'd be able to get him to hospital appointments without spending 1 hour each way on the bus and I fell for it instead of just saying 'no'.
This morning, Mum started telling me that there's someone who's interested in buying the van. I said that I don't want to sell it - I'd rather sell the car as it's unsuitable for 1/2 the things I need to do with it (try shifting 1/2 ton of horse manure in a supermini) and keeping the van makes economic sense and then I just went off into this huge stupid rant about how much I hate the bloody car. I always end up whinging and unloading things on my mum even at the best of times and it's just not fair. Poor Mum hung up and now isn't speaking to me.
I feel completely hopeless; I've ended up financially dependent on my parents at 36 and I feel humiliated. I spent the whole of my early 20s training and getting into a super-competitive career (I supported myself, but never had much money), there was a brief moment of glory when it came together and I had a prestigious and well-paid job in my late 20s until my depression caught up with me and I couldn't cope with the hypocrisy and politics of it. I quit and tried to do a PhD, dropped out after a year and finally got a badly paid job as an unqualified classroom assistant that I could actually cope with, but I always supported myself.
At 30 and with (hindsight) a very unsuitable partner we decided that we'd like a child. DS came along and I haven't worked since. XP and I split when he was a baby and I get just the CSA-determined £5pw from him. DS has special needs and I felt that I had to make it my highest priority to get him into a school that would be able to help him. I owned my previous house outright (due to my granny leaving me some money and the brief but well-paid job) but moved to a more expensive area for the school. My Mum offered to guarantee my mortgage (although I could have had a flat instead without a mortgage) so that DS would have somewhere nicer to live. I've also retrained so I should be able to get a reasonable job that would easily cover the mortgage.
But I've wound up living on benefits: DS is so difficult to handle I can't get official childcare for him and there are no jobs about, I'm also feeling so lousy that I don't think I could work in anything demanding at the moment but I'd have to do something demanding to pay for the (cash-in-hand 1-2-1) childcare that DS needs to enable me to work. At times I feel so overwhelmed by the demands of DS and his various appointments that I can't imagine being able to hold down any job. The problem is that the benefits don't cover a mortgage, so my Dad gives me £150 per month, despite the fact we fell out with one another a few months ago and don't speak so I feel worse still about taking his money.
I've just been sent on a parenting course, forcibly, by DS's school who clearly think I'm a bad parent. I haven't had sex in nearly six years - my track record with relationships is horrible and I feel very lonely indeed. I do have some good friends and my mum who think I'm a capable parent, but I hate not having a partner or the possibility of any more children.
Every aspect of my life is turning out badly, I'm a complete f* up and being so persistently horrible and childish that I've pushed Mum too far feels like the last straw.
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I keep treating my mum really badly
9 replies
nnnamechange · 22/06/2011 21:02
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