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DH away working for 6 weeks. I am not bothered. Should I be worried about that?

(25 Posts)
twinklingfairy Wed 22-Jun-11 20:28:46

DH and I have been struggling for a while (can't remember when we last had sex) we co exist well enough looking after two children under 5.
But mostly I am happy that he goes to bed early and leaves before I get up.

He is away on training for work for 6 weeks, too far to come home. We thought the children and I might come down to him but it is not working out that way.

The children and I are making a blog for him so that he knows what we are up to, using one of DDs toys as the main character. He took another toy to act as his character but has written 2 posts in over a week. Telling the children that the cat is 'sleeping'.
I guess that is not really relevant but a bit annoying as they are asking.

We phone him every night time to chat and say goodnight. I put the phone on loudspeaker and interpret for both parties where needed.
Then we say night night.

That is the only contact I have with him.
He doesn't text or call us. Prob cos he waits till we call though. We are busy, so it is best not to call during the day. About the same reason I don't call him.
But neither of us seem to be fussed about the fact that the only time we talk to one another is through the children once a day.

But it's not that different to normal.
The children go to bed by 8, he is normally in his by 930 the time in between he spends on the laptop.
I do the things I want to, crafts, laptop time, TV etc then am in bed by 11-12ish. I am a night owl, always have been.

Life is less stressful with just me and the children moseying along.
When DH is around, at weekends, it gets tense.
Ok not every weekend, I admit.

oh maybe I am just talking tired. But I did wonder, when he went away if it would give me time to miss him, or not.

whomovedmychocolate Wed 22-Jun-11 20:31:14

Well it's early days if he only went a few days ago. But you are used to not having him around really, he's just geographically further away.

Dunno, I think it's just sort of normal if you have drifted apart a bit - DH works away and I don't honestly notice if it's only a few days. I'm too busy caring for the kids and getting on with my own stuff.

I wouldn't worry TBH.

twinklingfairy Wed 22-Jun-11 20:35:09

Hmm perhaps.
It has been about a week and half so far.
4 and a half more to go.

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 22-Jun-11 20:41:34

Do you think it is because you genuinely don't miss him or are just happy with the change (and secure he will come back?)

I think it is probably normal to enjoy a change, doing things you like to do, less people to think about for a bit...but if after a few weeks you still dont mind then perhaps it is something thinking about

FabbyChic Wed 22-Jun-11 20:48:59

I think your relationship is tired, and has lost its lustre.

If you don't do something about it you will just amble on until one of you wants more and has an affair or leaves.

It is no way to live, everybody deserves to be happy.

twinklingfairy Wed 22-Jun-11 20:50:16

No, I quite often wish he would go away for work. Life is a lot easier without him. Though I would then worry that I wouldn't want him to come back.
He thought I would be worried about him going but really I was happy about it.
I thought it would be nice for the children to go see teh city he is in but if that is not happening, I am just as happy not to see him.

I have never been reliant on him. Always of the mind that I wanted him around but didn't Need him.
I am confused by women who cry at the thought of their DH going away (a RLF did this) but also worried that I should feel that way?

Since teh LOs came along things have changed and he is just a ruddy nuisance. A third child to deal with and give attention to.

twinklingfairy Wed 22-Jun-11 20:53:24

lost its lustre.
Sounds about right.
But what could I do?

Bonsoir Wed 22-Jun-11 20:57:22

Lots of women find life easier and less stressful without their husbands around. Providing they still have access to their husband's income, of course...

twinklingfairy Wed 22-Jun-11 21:03:22

Thats true and had DH not put us in a ridiculous financial mess, then I would agree. smile

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 22-Jun-11 21:13:00

Bonsoir hmm - I think the same statement can equally apply if the woman isnt reliant on her partners income hmm

Do you think you will gradually miss him more? Do you think you just need a break?

twinklingfairy Wed 22-Jun-11 21:19:45

What is there to miss but his help at bedtime and making meals (because he is specific about what he wants I leave him to it) but I am managing all that without him.
I am tired but managing.
I don't know, only time will give me that answer.
But, the way we currently are?
I am doubting time will do anything but confirm my lack of concern.
But I would be equally frightened to end things incase I would be throwing away a good thing. We have been together, through thick and thin, for eleven years.

Othersideofthechannel Thu 23-Jun-11 05:30:03

Who do you turn to when you have a funny story about your day to tell?
Or a concern to talk over?

Morloth Thu 23-Jun-11 06:36:34

hmmmmm

DH travels a lot for work and works long hours, so we don't see a lot of each other and are used to and fine with that.

However, when he is here we are very much together, we are still lovers and very close.

So while I don't exactly 'miss' him while he is away I do look forward to him coming home.

I think you guys need to work out whether you actually want to be married anymore. Have you actually talked about the distance that seems to be between you? Do either of you want to change it?

InLimboAgain Thu 23-Jun-11 06:40:48

It does sound a tad odd, in the context of me & DP. Neither of us go out that much these days, when we're at home we're not in each other's pockets, we give each other a lot of space (I study), etc. But we are continuously texting during the day, i was wondering yesterday actually how often other couples text each other. Just little texts, little anecdotes or 'shit i'm so tired' or 'blimey it's hot!' sort of texts. So the contact you've been having since your DP has been away seems odd to me.

Morloth Thu 23-Jun-11 06:42:57

Yeah, we email, text, gtalk all day long and when he is away he calls every night at bedtime for the kids and then later in the evening for us to have a chat.

wordfactory Thu 23-Jun-11 09:11:15

Dh works away a lot - though usually for two to three days at a time. Sometimes a week.
Like Morloth, I don't miss him as in pine for him and am perfectly happy running my show. But equally, I can't wait for him to come back.

As for contact he calls as soon as he wakes up, and often texts during the day...tbh he calls more than he does when he's here!

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 23-Jun-11 09:20:29

This is very sad but both of you have played a part in getting this marriage to the dark place it is now in.

What are you teaching your children about relationships here?. What do you want to teach them about relationships, your model is not exactly ideal for them to be learning from is it. You are happier without him around, how do you view him; as a manchild?. Your children see and hear more than you realise and would pick up on any underlying tensions between the two of you when he is around on the weekend.

Do you both equally want to fix the underlying problems within the marriage; the lack of intimacy, the money problems to name but two?. Carrying on like you both are and just wading through treacle is really not an option here.

gethelp Thu 23-Jun-11 09:25:27

I am in the same position as you, except when I properly think about losing my dh I feel bereft.
I would try and remember really good times from the past and think about how you felt about him then. Any chance you could go and see him by yourself, even for a day, and make him feel crazy about you again? You need some romance back - practice! Good luck!

gethelp Thu 23-Jun-11 09:29:19

I mean my dh is away a lot, not that I don't miss him!

InLimboAgain Thu 23-Jun-11 12:48:39

You don't have to miss him, I don't miss my DP, i like the space to myself, am perfectly independent etc, and yes at times it feels more peaceful without him! But it sounds almost as if something is missing from the relationship here, if you haven't directly been in contact with each other since he's been away.

twinklingfairy Fri 24-Jun-11 10:45:24

othersideofthechannel, you are right, I do turn to him with these stories or concerns.
Just seems that this time, I am too busy and so is he.

Not sure why we are not texting one another, again, just too busy. I am not texting anyone, so it is not just him.

By the time I have the children in bed, the idea of giving someone else my time is just not what I want to do with myself. I have so much I do want to do that I can't during the day.
We will have a wee chat on the phone when he is on to the children, some nights but mostly I cut it short because it is getting late and the children need their beds. Telling him to call later if he wants. He doesn't call later and I get caught up in my own thing until it is too late and I figure he will be in his bed.

For long enough I thought it was me. He would be pestering me for sex and I would avoid it. Now he is so concerned with his fitness, weight training, that he wants early nights and seems to have forgotten or is more focused on that than me. Either way, I am not fussed anyway.
Glad not to feel the pressure but worried that neither of us seem to care anymore.

I don't think I treat him like a child in front of the children, or at all. It is just the demands for attention sometimes. Like, he would actually interupt the children to try to get me to talk to him (he doesn't do it often, he is not that bad)

twinklingfairy Fri 24-Jun-11 10:55:16

morloth, I think we keep trying to convince ourselves that this is just a phase. We have been together through so much, we will make it throught this too. You know what I mean?

But I have been thinking for a long time that I manage and am so much happier when he is not about.

He just makes me tense around the children.
He can't really handle theme when they are naughty, and they so rarely are, but he just expects it all to flow and gets cross and upset when it doesn't that it put pressure on me to make it all flow well.
But then, if he is alone with them, they are perfect for him.
Together we ..........
Oh I don't know, see it can be good when we are together.
I am just not fussed either way.
Not excited that he will be with us. Just another hassle factor to work around.

But sometimes we can have a laugh with each other it just never leads to the bedroom cos before we get anywhere near it he will irritate me to the point I can't be near him. Same room, but just 'sit over there' type of thing.

UnhappyLizzie Fri 24-Jun-11 11:24:02

You are growing apart. Your relationship sounds like mine, but mine is further on. There are some practical reasons that make it difficult for me to leave though I would like to.

My children are older than yours; the older they get the harder it is to break up. Society is more judgemental if you split when children are small, but children are much less damaged.

You have to think about what you want in the longer term.

I'm not saying you should end the marriage at all, but if you don't want to do this you have to try to improve things. The rot is setting in and will only get worse if you don't cut it out sooner rather than later.

You may find yourself feeling as I do: marriage basically over, very unhappy, feeling like life is passing you by, feeling trapped because of the children.

If you really don't want to address things, it's probably over already.

Otherwise, try counselling or just force more time together as a couple. You may find that you start to enjoy his company more and things improve. You may find you want to restart your sex life as well.

Trust me, it won't get better if you don't take some action. Your children will get older and won't be so absorbing; your life will start to feel emptier. It's not going to be good.

twinklingfairy Fri 24-Jun-11 12:36:08

I agree with a lot of what you say, apart from my life being empty.
I have plans for what I am going to be doing once my children are in school. If anything I am too busy to fit DH in.
I just want to mosey along and wait for it all to miraculously improvehmm
But, obviously, that is just not going to happen.

More couple time is definately required.
The last time we went out just the two of us was over a year ago. My family were full of, you must have couple time, you mustn't focus only on the children, we will help you.
But the reality was, that one time, ok three times that year (all before June) were all there were willing to do. Sis made it clear that they didn't want to babysit. Mum wanted my children to come to her but only if my dada was available (he works shifts and mainly isn't) and anyway, it turns out DD is not comfortable with that and my mum is nervous about taking both of them.

So for all the help and the lecture about what I 'should' do, they have forgotten their offers and have attached such limits that I am not comfortable anymore.

So I guess we are going to have to work harder at home, when both of us have other things we want to do with what little spare time we have.

Othersideofthechannel Fri 24-Jun-11 16:34:10

DH has been away Monday to Fridays for the last 9 months.

There are days when none of us have any contact with him. I don't have my mobile or access to a personal email account at work and evenings are often busy for both of us. It's just not our style to be in continual contact.

I quite enjoy many aspects of being alone and alone with the children. So I can identify with some of your feelings. But I would be worried if I was in your situation. I do call him when I have something to share other than 'drove the kids here, cooked this for dinner, read X on MN'. And he will call me too. The lack of sex and the general feeling of being irritated by his presence would concern me too.

And we all love it when he comes home on Friday night, it feels right being together (not to mention I don't have to wash the pots!! grin.

Before DH was working away, I found we sometimes went through phases where we just want to be alone in the same house because of all the other demands on our time, our 'me time' was eating into our 'together time'. So you can go through weeks without spending any proper time together despite being in the same room. When we got into a rut, we would set little challenges like screen bans so that we would do other stuff together. If all your kids are in bed by 8 or 9pm, there's still time for couple time.

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