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Toxic in-laws really ticking me off

(7 Posts)

OK, so long story short:-

M-i-L evil b*tch who abused DH.

F-i-L manipulative brainwashing prat who, imho, is not much better than his ex-wife, but whom DH idolised, mostly because (I suspect) he needed someone to look up to as a point of good.

Recently we moved away from DH's family and over the past few months I've seen Dh come to a gradual realisation of how much of a hold over him his father had.

F-i-L has now started some campaign to try and get us to move back there. Pointing out jobs he thinks my DH could do (they're not within his highly specific qualifications) or even telling him he could commute to his work down here (2 hours. Seriously?)

I am absolutely fuming. His dad just wants a) to have DH within his Daily hate Mail brainwashing grasp again and b) probably wants us to buy his dead father's scabby old house so he can get the capital out of it.

The reality is that we're never going back there because there are no jobs, I hate it there and my parents, who are only an hour away down here, are much more hands on helpful. Even DH prefers it down here and is secretly thankful to be out of his familys' grasp, but his f*cking father keeps going on and on and making him miserable.

Oh yeah - and his Mother told everyone that we 'had some very exciting news that she wasn't allowed to tell anyone about just yet' - we'd told her we were expecting, but that we didn;t want to tell anyone except immediate family until after 12 weeks.

I am, basically, fuming, but can't exactly say anything to DH and I really really needed a vent. Thank you for listening.

Ragwort Wed 22-Jun-11 18:15:39

To be perfectly blunt your DH needs to tell his father that you have no intention of moving back End of discussion.

And why tell MIL you were expecting a baby if you didn't want anyone else to know for 12 weeks - you've obviously had serious issues with her in the past so surely she would be the last person to tell confused.

Why can't you say anything to your DH about this?

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 22-Jun-11 18:48:55

I'd listen when your dh talks about what fil has said then change the subject to something cute/funny dc did that day.

If you don't respond to it and get into a discussion you can't be talked into it and the longer your away from him the more dh will realise what a good life you have. I'm no contact with my parents and it does get better over time. You sort of realise they never supported you anyway.

That's what I'd do anyway. You know best how to handle your dh. I just find if I'm a blank page so to speak on certain topics he works it out for himself rather than put a view point accross contradicting him, people are so protective over parents abusive or not.

Anyway he can't move if you don't aggree to it.

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 22-Jun-11 18:49:59

Away from fil not from op.

Dh won't move back, but he's had 29 years of trying to make Dad happy and only 6 months of properly standing up for himself, it's difficult. And yes, he gets protective if I slag them off, of course he does, because he's a good man. There's no chance we'll move back, he doesn;t even really want to (though at least we could afford a house up there, but there's a reason for that).

I do as you say, Fluffycloud, just nod and comfort and repeat what he's said. It just hurts me that he thinks he's worthless and ugly and stupid and all these negative things when he's really the most wonderful person. Perhaps when our baby is born he'll realise that a child can;t be any of those things and will see how much crap has been fed to him over the years.

Thanks for responding, it's nice not to scream into a void.

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 22-Jun-11 18:59:48

Focus on your pregnancy and birth, it'll keep you both pre-occupied plus make him feel really valued and needed.

Playdohinthewashingmachine Wed 22-Jun-11 21:05:46

Would he go to counselling?

Having a baby is such a big life change, and it can seriously open a can of worms for those who were abused as children.

Keep telling him how great he is (in very specific ways - "It is wonderful that you always remember to do xyz" rather than "you're wonderful").

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