Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH being a tool when I'm ill: warning, longish rant.

(21 Posts)
openerofjars Wed 22-Jun-11 16:47:18

Be nice to me, I'm feeling grotty which is why this isn't in AIBU. I can't cope with a fight just yet!

I had minor abdominal surgery yesterday as an outpatient and DH was ace, brilliant in the hospital before the op & at home afterwards.

Today, he has taken the day off work to look after DS (2.5 yo) as I am still all woozy and sleepy from the GA & cannot bend in the middle v well or lift heavy things (like DS). They went to the supermarket this morning but it's gone downhill this afternoon: I have found DH napping on the sofa twice - I heard the snoring from upstairs - while DS did fuck knows what alone, and the second time DS was trotting about in a full nappy that I could smell from the doorway.

DH is now barely speaking to me because I gently (no, really) told him this was not on and could he please do something with DS, who was getting bored and, even more importantly, very smelly. So he has changed the nappy and they have gone to the park. I asked DH to drop off the hospital's letter to my GP off at the surgery as I won't be able to do it this week & it's on the way to the park anyway and he said, "Maybe. Dunno. I'll see.". I had to get DS's shoes on as DH just told him to put them on or he was leaving him at home. FFS, he is a toddler and cannot put his own shoes on yet, and DH knows this. He is usually great with him but has been grumpy and off with him as well today.

I know the reason he is so tired is that he was up until 1 this morning on the playstation (I looked at the clock when he came to bed). But, and here's the thing, this was a planned operation and he has known for weeks that he was having DS today.

I feel that his attitude is, "Right, you've had your sick day, now if you don't mind, I've taken the day off work AND been shopping, so it's a holiday and I resent being asked to do anything round the house at all, so stop being a princess and muck in, I've done enough now.".

I've even had to take all the shitty nappies from the last 2 days to the outside bin as he just left them all over the house. My stitches hurt and I can't wee properly. Going up and down stairs hurts my stitches and makes my head swim. I just want to sleep knowing that my son is being cared for by his Daddy and that there isn't poo all over the place.

Too much to ask?

HughManatee Wed 22-Jun-11 18:14:02

No, it's not too much to ask. FFS! (That FFS is aimed at him not you.) You've just had surgery, you've still got GA in your system, it's not like you're able to do much. He chose to be tired, by playing on the Playstation, that's not your fault.

Is he normally like this when you're ill? It's not much help, but my H is the same, when I'd had abdominal surgery, he couldn't - or wouldn't - understand why I was unable to mop the kitchen floor confused

Is there anyone nearby who can help you?

WilliamSonoma Wed 22-Jun-11 18:20:27

No not too much to ask at all.

I had a GA for a gynae procedure last year and my DH was very similar.

Yes he "managed" to look after toddler ds, but if I asked for anything (like a drink or something) it was met with a sigh and grumpiness.

It made me really angry because like you, it was a planned procedure which we had known about for weeks, and I feel that if the tables were turned and it had been him, I would have been bending over backwards to help, as well as getting on with my normal day.

I honestly think there is some truth in the notion that men cannot do more than one thing at once, or perhaps they are just lazy fuckers!

Hope you are well recovered now xx

mumblechum1 Wed 22-Jun-11 18:23:49

you could have my dh who is annoying in completely the opposite way.

When I was in hosp last time he decided it would be a really good idea to clean out the cellar, clean behind all the taps in the house with limescale cleaner and clean out under the sink and rearrange the bookshelves hmm without doing bog standard stuff like loading teh dishwasher and changing the sheets.

Gotta love him.

Can't shoot him.

WilliamSonoma Wed 22-Jun-11 18:24:14

Sorry I just reread that it was only yesterday! Poor you!

I felt groggy and rough for about 5-7 days after the GA - which again did not seem to register with DH at all. Hope you feel better soon.

At least you know it's not just yours!!!

openerofjars Wed 22-Jun-11 18:24:20

Yeah, a week after I had DS, my stitches got infected and I was in so much pain I could barely walk. DH "forgot" to get my antibiotics from the chemists for a whole day, and kept getting narky when I needed some sleep as it was interfering with his World of Warcraft time. He apologised later on but it (obviously) still rankles.

The rest of the time he is okay, he's just shit when I'm ill. I get a cold, he gets flu. I get tonsilitis, he gets ebola. Apparently he's just torn his Achilles tendon hmm. Not limping now, though. Berk.

No, no-one else around, apart from a mate who has offered but who is already struggling with 2 small DCs of her own. DS is at nursery tomorrow and Friday, and both he & DH are now watching Something Special happily together.

MmeLindor. Wed 22-Jun-11 18:25:04


But you are also being a tiny bit unreasonable in that you are doing stuffthat you shouldn't be doing.

Don't put DS's shoes on or empty the bin. Make your dh do it.

Not "oh if i wait for him to do it, it will never get done" and a big sigh.

Tell him. "I cannot deal with this today. You do it." and take yourself off to bed

Di you have a bell you could ring when you need him to bring you tea?

WilliamSonoma Wed 22-Jun-11 18:28:00

mumblechum - that reminds me of when I was in hospital 3 days after giving birth (baby blues had hit me), as well as both me and ds having an unknown infection. I was feeling really low and lonely in a room by myself and I asked DH if he could come and see me again in the afternoon.

His response was that he "had to clean out the wheelie bin and cut the grass as it really needs done" confused and angry

openerofjars Wed 22-Jun-11 18:29:19

William, snap! I got a cup of tea and a nectarine this morning and that was it. The shopping he did today was for snacky treats for himself, poor boy. And he got pizza for tea because the meal plan for the week we did before my op must have had two many veg in it.

Then he got sniffy because I can't face pizza.


<bangs head on wall>

WilliamSonoma Wed 22-Jun-11 18:30:55

openerofjars - ah yes, my dh has the "competitive illness" bug too.

I've got the start of a cold and I know that as soon as I tell him, he will be coming down with something as well....

openerofjars Wed 22-Jun-11 18:34:35

MmeLindor, I know & was kicking myself but I cannot bear pooey nappies hanging around the living room, at the bottom of the stairs & in the kitchen, esp in this weather. For 2 days!

Just had an evil thought: his mum is popping in tomorrow to see how I'm doing. She won't stand for this.

openerofjars Wed 22-Jun-11 18:37:48

When I was in labour in the hospital I asked him to see if the birthing pool was free. "Oh no, love, someone else might need it more". Me: "Fucking ask NOW".



Thanks for not telling me to leave him because he's abusive. He isn't. He's a bit of a tit.

MmeLindor. Wed 22-Jun-11 18:44:10

He isn't abusive, but you have to be more assertive - like his mum.

Do the steely eyed glare that your MIL does (I am sure she does) and tell him that you are not living in a cesspit because he cannot be bothered to take the shitty nappies outside and if he doesn't buck up you will ask his mum to come and stay for a couple of days.


That'll shift him.

colditz Wed 22-Jun-11 18:47:23

get his mother round and cry gently to her that you feel so ill, you're in so much pain....

openerofjars Wed 22-Jun-11 18:58:01


Ooh, she'll flay him.

She'd be more convinced by brave struggling than tears, though. She's had three sons and took them all on a camping holiday when the youngest was 3 weeks/days/hours old (or summat).

But yeah, she'll have his hide.

Moodykat Wed 22-Jun-11 19:08:58

My DH is brilliant normally, I worked for 3 hours on Saturday morning and came home to DS having his after lunch nap, a spotless house and something on for dinner.
God help me if I'm ill though, or just feeling unbearably pregnant (35 weeks). Yesterday I was lazy because my back hurt too much to hoover. And illness just doesn't seem to be recognised AT ALL! Bloody men.

openerofjars Wed 22-Jun-11 19:14:43

Oh jeez, he's being all hard-done-by passive aggressive now. I am going to rise calmly above it and ignore, ignore, ignore.

Apparently the bath I have just run for DS (I know, but I was on the loo right next to the bath...) was too hot and the poor man actually had to run some more cold into it. I mean, really.

<decides to find situation amusing as alternative to crying>

eurochick Wed 22-Jun-11 23:44:47

YANBU but you might be being a tiny bit of a martyr...

Have a word with DP and rest up. A couple of day's worth of dirty nappies in the house will not cause the world to stop spinning. And if you keep overdoing it and pull out your stitches or whatever, think how much sighing that will prompt! It's better to rest and get well.

tallwivglasses Wed 22-Jun-11 23:48:59

openerofjars I'm hoping your sense of humour will see you through grin

When you're both a bit more relaxed maybe you should have a serious word!

openerofjars Thu 23-Jun-11 09:23:00

Okay, have told him this morning that I can't do the following: laundry, washing up, bathing DS or nappy changing, picking things up, bending, standing up for ages.

But I can do:

Making toast & tea
Helping DS to get dressed if he's being cooperative but not if otherwise.
Reading to DS
Watching endless CBeebies/Shrek with DS
Eating junk food

I can also do putting the dozen long stemmed red roses that he bought yesterday but forgot until he took DS to nursery this morning into a vase, bless him.blush grin
Things are looking up!

tallwivglasses Thu 23-Jun-11 23:19:28


Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: