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Do I lovehim still?

(15 Posts)
DoIlovehim Wed 22-Jun-11 14:51:20

I think I need some help.I have named changed for this but I have been here for a long time under one other name.
DH & I have been together for at least 15 years. We have 3 children together.

I dont think I love him anymore. I'm am fed up of him treating me like shite and taking me for granted.
This is the first time I have actually verbilised my feelings and I am really scared of what it all might mean for my family.

How can you tell if someone is emotionally abusing you or if they are just a git?

totallylost Wed 22-Jun-11 15:21:07

does it matter? If you have talked to him about how his behaviour is making you unhappy and he has done nothing about it, it doesn't really matter what label it has. Its about respect. If he doesn't respect you then the love eventually goes.

Renaissance227 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:24:49

Whether they are a git or emotionally abusing you, you need to get out and think of the far better life you and your children could have without him.
If you already you are sick of him and the way he treats you then be very brave and get out of the relationship.

Wisedupwoman Wed 22-Jun-11 18:37:17

Your post makes me wonder if you are seeking approval to leave your marriage. I say this because you ask 'do I still love him' and then you go on to say how his behaviour makes you feel bad.

If you don't love someone any more, their behaviour is kind of irrelevant IMO. So long as the break-up is handled respectfully and with as much sensitivity as possible I don't think focussing on behaviour alone is helpful.

On the other hand, if his behaviour has destroyed your feelings, then you don't need approval from anyone to leave, and bad behaviour, as we see over and over again on this forum doesn't necessarily destroy loving feelings - sometimes it actually intensifies them which makes it all the harder to go.

I would take some time to really think through what you would feel for your H were his behaviour different. If you think you'd feel the same, then maybe you outgrew him. If not, then maybe it can be fixed.

Hope this helps.

Bradsmum Wed 22-Jun-11 18:42:51

Have to agree with Wisedup - DH and I are divorcing after many, many years of his unacceptable behaviour which destroyed my feelings for him and has led to me finally accepting that I couldn't stay in an unhappy marriage even for my 8 yr old DS. Like you, worried about impact on DS but ultimately have to believe it will be better all round in the longer term.

DoIlovehim Wed 22-Jun-11 20:59:55

Thank you ladies. Wise words as always.

I am just not sure which way round it is. I love the man he was but if I am honest he was always inconsiderate and a bit self centered.
I am not in a position to leave really. I am a sahm but I am just in the process of going back to work.

Saffysmum Wed 22-Jun-11 21:31:03

I think that the title of your thread says it all. If you still loved him, what would it matter what we say?

Only you know this. Perhaps, reading between the lines, he's made your confidence shrink, your self esteem is shattered, and you need confirmation of your worth.

If you really loved him, a hundred of us could scream "leave him" to you - but you'd just laugh at us.

So you've answered your own question really. You just want to feel that your opinion is valid.

Yes, it is. Of course it is. You're a SAHM. That doesn't mean you have to stay at home with this man.

What do you want, really?

DoIlovehim Wed 22-Jun-11 21:50:32

I want him to want to be the husband and father he should be, not the poor excuse of one he is currently!

The thing that puts me off leaving most is the thought of what it would do to our children. They think everything is great.
We dont argue, mostly because DH is an emotional mess and is unable to communicate at all.

I find it so hard because when I behave as he does we never actually talk.
I'm sure though that if I told DH how unhappy I am he would be suprised.

cheapskatemum Wed 22-Jun-11 21:57:51

What is different about him now to "the man he was"? Can you define "unable to communicate at all"? (because I find this hard to believe, if taken literally).

Saffysmum Wed 22-Jun-11 21:58:39

Aw love, you have to deal with the man he is, not the man you want him to be. I learnt this the hard way. You can't change him, however hard you try, and however much you want to.

He's making you very unhappy. Believe me, kids pick up on more than we give them credit for. I stayed in an unhappy marriage "for the kids sake" for years, when it was destroying me. My kids, as they got older, started to realise that our marriage wasn't the same as the marriages of their friends. If there is one thing I've learnt, it is that kids are happier with one happy parent, than two unhappy ones.

You're their role model - do you want them to grow up thinking that what you are showing them as your marriage is the ideal? Would you want them to be in your shoes in 20 years time?

You say that he would be surprised if he knew how unhappy you are. That says so much about how you have drifted apart. A loving husband would know instinctively that you were unhappy, but, crucially a loving husband would move heaven and earth to stop you being unhappy. Can you talk to him? Tell him how you feel? Tell him that things have to change? Is that an option?

Wisedupwoman Wed 22-Jun-11 22:25:27

if I am honest he was always inconsiderate and a bit self centered.

Do you mean he was always inconsiderate and a bit self centered (as we can all be at times) or he was always (all the time)?

Agree with Saff though. Doesn't matter what we all say, it's your decision and no man is worth it for the sake of the kids - and they won't thank you for staying when they're older even if you manage to keep up some pretence (which in itself is very draining - I know). What I mean is, when kids grow up, to find out (what they already know any way) their parents stayed together for their sakes doesn't reap any rewards for the couple IME.

You've got some hard thinking to do. And perhaps some straight talking.

eggplantslice Wed 22-Jun-11 23:34:50

Saffysmum Your words are so true. I am in the middle of breaking up with my partner, leaving me to be a single mum. I would still take him back despite losing self respect and a happy life. Underneath I know what you mean when you say "You can't change him, however hard you try, and however much you want to."
"A loving husband would move heaven and earth to make you happy." Sisterhood get through it together. I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to do it. I know I will but it's only been 2 weeks since I found out his affair.

HerHissyness Thu 23-Jun-11 00:24:07

eggplant, you are very soon into this, it's all still a shock to you. your feelings are bound to be raw and volatile.

be kind to yourself and try to keep going. fake it till you make it as they say! grin

You can do this, whatever this is... you will be surprised at your own strength in the end.

DoIlovehim Thu 23-Jun-11 20:55:22

Eggplant. I am sorry that you find yourself in this horrible place. Do you have alot of support in RL?

Saffy, you are right. I know I cant change him and most of me doesnt want to because I dont think it can erase the past for us.

Wise woman, I have changed your name a bit because you are a very wise lady indeed. DH has become more inconsiderate as the years have gone by. I think it is a combination of the three children taking up alot of my time and also since I have become sahm then I seem to have vanished into the wallpaper. I am the little lady at home and he is the 1950's throwback.

I think that I really need to work out if it is my frustration at being the little woman or if I have reached the end of my relationship with him.
I am terrified of becoming a single parent. Even though, in practice I am pretty much that already.

ronshar Fri 24-Jun-11 21:26:08

Cant be bothered to try and name change again.

I have decided that DH is indeed a git and that actually no I dont love him. Now all I have to do is something about it!

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