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(21 Posts)
Rev88 Wed 22-Jun-11 14:46:12

Can anyone give me some advice? I feel desperate. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 14. He left me 10 months ago. He left me with our 3 teenage kids but has been paying his share of the mortgage and bills throughout. The whole time he's been gone we have talked and had councelling. Things have been improving hugely. We have spent lots of time together, had days out, nights away. Things seemed better than it has been for years. He talked about coming back and about our future constantly. I found out last week that he has been having a relationship with another woman for the past 7 months. I talked with the other woman and she had no idea that we were working on our marriage. He has lied to us both. He is still saying that he doesn't know which way to go and feels he will regret whatever he does. He said he wishes that one of us would make the decision for him! He also said he feels that there is something wrong with his head and hasn't enjoyed any of this. He is 39.
I feel totally shocked, grief stricken, I can't eat or sleep. I desperately want to try and work things out.

AMumInScotland Wed 22-Jun-11 14:55:09

Do you want to try to make it work? You could "make the decision for him" by telling him to split up with the OW and make a proper effort at counselling.

OTOH you could decide for him by telling him to grow up and not bother you again till he's managed it.

Is he usually so unable to take responsibility for his life, or has it come on suddenly - I'd probably feel a tiny bit of sympathy for him if he's reacting to stress and isn't normally like this, but frankly he doesn't sound like an adult!

Renaissance227 Wed 22-Jun-11 14:56:49

He hasn't enjoyed any of this?!!! He's being having his cake and eating it. He is a liar and a sneak and you need to get him out of your life. How could you honestly ever trust him again after leaving you and then two timing you and not telling the other woman about you or you about her?
If, after all of your counseling, talking, weekends away, etc he still does not know which way to go does this not tell you something? You need to get rid of the lying arse, no matter how hard, so that you can begin to live a life where you are respected and can hold your head up high. Please do not become a fall back whilst your husband sleeps with a few women to work out which he prefers!
Sorry if I sound harsh or OTT but I just want to get my point across and try to help stop another woman being used as a doormat.

Renaissance227 Wed 22-Jun-11 14:58:42

Stress!!! How can you put it down to stress? He has been pretending to make a go of things with his wife whilst starting and contiuing a secret relationship with another woman who had no idea he was trying to make things work with his wife! This man is a liar and cannot help himself. He could never be trusted.

Rev88 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:01:28

He never has been good with decision making but this kind of behaviour has come out of the blue. He has always been a kind and loyal husband. We did have a stressful year leading up to his leaving but all that is resolved now and life has been good.
I'm so afraid of making a decision in case it pushes him away. I don't even know if the OW wants to still be with him and if they would make a go of it. Their whole relationship has been based on a lie? Many people have said to me that he seems to struggle with behaving like an adult.

AMumInScotland Wed 22-Jun-11 15:10:21

Well if this is "normal" for him, I don't think you can realistically expect him to change. He struggles with making a decision, so even if he said he was sorry and would put it all behind him and never even think of such a thing, you wouldn't really be able to trust him to stick to that, would you? Someone normally decisive can make a mistake (even a really big one) and decide to learn from it and make amends. Someone indecisive is likely to forget that they decided they'd been stupid, and drift into doing it again.

I can't help thinking that the best result from all this is that, instead of having two women trying to keep him, he has none, as you both decide he's not worth it.

Personally, I'd be getting the financial stuff onto a good legal position and telling him he can go do what he wants but not to try to mess you about again.

VioletV Wed 22-Jun-11 15:11:25

What Renaissance227 said. If you go back with this guy you'll always be wondering what he's upto and if you can trust him again. The mere fact he can stick his knob into another woman and then pretend to want to work it out with you would make me sick? Are you a doormat? Do you have pls wipe your feet upon me on your forehead? Whether he has been good at decision making or not he is 39 ffs not 13. He's not thought of his kids either it's only about him and his needs it seems. I wouldn't worry about pushing him away. I think he's done a good enough job of that himself. I honestly think you're being used to make the decision for him so he can't blame himself for things ending.

Sorry to be blunt but I feel it's the best way of getting the point across

Rev88 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:19:02

I know that you are all right. Completely. I just can't get my head round not having him in my life. The thought of him making a go of a relationship with the other woman makes me feel physically sick. I'm stuck in our home with all the memories trying to pick up the pieces and all I want is him.
I just hope he regrets all this.

Renaissance227 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:20:53

Well put VioletV!

Renaissance227 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:22:53

When you are at home wanting him or thinking you couldn't cope with him not in your life, just try to imagine him in bed while you were happy at home thinking he wanted to make a go of things. Think of all the times he will have been happily having sex with another woman behind you back.
You need to get past the gooey eyed memories of happy times and get real. You deserve better.

Rev88 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:28:13

I know, you're right. I just feel I haven't got a lot left in me anymore. I don't know where to find the strength. One day I feel positive, the next flat as a pancake. Don't know what to do next.

AMumInScotland Wed 22-Jun-11 15:28:55

After 18 years (maybe half your life?) it's bound to take some time to get used to him not being there, specially when he's spent most of the time trying to convince you it was just a temporary blip. In some ways, it's only been a week since he left, not 10 months, because you thought he was just living somewhere else until he got his head together and you could work things out.

Now you've been hit by a bombshell, that he hasn't been committed to making it work with you at all. Give yourself time to get used to the idea, and don't think of it in terms of "he left 10 months ago", because in your heart he has only just left, so of course it is going to feel raw and unreal.

Renaissance227 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:47:28

It will definitely take time for you to get over this, BUT you HAVE to be strong and try to look forward.
What to do next is to tell him to get out of your life, that you could never trust the lying/cheating/SOB again, and that you deserve better than him.
Chin up. I promise it will get better.

Rev88 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:56:58

Thank you for all your help. Will try to take each day as it comes and gain some strength.

HerHissyness Wed 22-Jun-11 16:06:29

My mum was married for just over 20 years and in her very early 40s. Dad had an affair for 18m (or so he said) and then said if either of the women contact the other, he will leave her.

My mum broke in the end, drove off in the middle of the night trying to find him. She didn't, but he took that to be contact and left.

almost 30yrs on, he married the OW, who has never wanted us to have anything to do with him. banning us from their home for over 10 years. he has allowed this to happen.

It's a big birthday for him next week. DSis and I are not invited.

He wants to meet up this weekend for my/dsis birthdays (but including her, despite us saying we'd rather not) I'm not going to go.

Mum says it was the best decision she ever made. Her life got a lot better in many ways. Dad was hypercritical and never allowed her any space in the family. Now she calls the shots in her home. Dsis and I are much closer to her than we were growing up, as Dad didn't get in the way of our friendships.

Be strong, don't allow him to walk all over you. He ought to be the one hammering on your door begging for you to forgive him, not sitting there like a dog with 2 dicks waiting for one or the other woman to make a decision.

he made a decision to betray his wife, and to lie to his mistress. how come he's not able to make an equally large decision now?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 22-Jun-11 16:16:56

"Think of all the times he will have been happily having sex with another woman"

Ah but, AMumInScotland, he wasn't enjoying it, so that was all right!

Or, er...

VioletV Wed 22-Jun-11 16:19:34

Oh hon. I promise you things will get easier and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Pop over on lone parents if you need any advice re the kids (I know they're teenagers but it's been a life saver for me and I've yet to have my child)

Please don't be a mug any longer for your husband. He prob knows full well you'll take him back he's prob chiseled into your confidence over the years and knows full well how to play the game. You're no-ones fool. Don't allow him to win this time. Good luck xx

Rev88 Wed 22-Jun-11 16:25:04

Thank you. Just reading your comments spurs me on. My DD has just got home and given me a huge hug. I will get through this I know. Just got to get my head round it all.

Renaissance227 Wed 22-Jun-11 16:25:33

Anniegetyourgun I said that about happily having sex with another woman and I had already mentioned how stupid it was him saying that he "never enjoyed it".
He is a totally lying arse!

Anniegetyourgun Wed 22-Jun-11 16:26:32

Sorry Renaissance blush

Renaissance227 Wed 22-Jun-11 16:31:02

No probs Annie!! smile

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