Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Has anyone lived separately to their DH long-term?

(13 Posts)
ImpyCelyn Wed 22-Jun-11 13:07:56

At the moment DH and I live in a flat that is owned by mother. We don't pay full rent. The arrangement started when a friend and I lived there as students and it's just been left to stand.

My relationship with my mum has always been terrible, but it's just getting worse since DS came and we're yet again in the position where she is ignoring me.

I think I'll never get the distance I need to cope with her as long as I live in her flat owe her something financially.

We've just bought a house in France, where DH is from, because we're hoping to move there in a few years.

We're now wondering if I should just take DS and go and live there. DH would then move out of the flat and rent a room somewhere.

DH is a teacher, so he'd come for all the holidays and we think at least every other weekend.

Obviously we know this is serious and we're not going to take the decision lightly, but I've had to have therapy because of my mother and I'm on the list for more. She makes my life a misery. I can't answer the phone anymore as I'm scared it'll be her calling. I spend a lot of my time crying and stressed. And when she kicks off about something I end up self-harming.

In principle I couldn't care less about the approval and opinion of someone I hate, in practise I've been conditioned to need it and never get it.

It's just not possible for us all to leave at the moment, DH needs to keep his current job for a while.

Has anyone lived apart? Do you get used to it?

sarahtigh Wed 22-Jun-11 13:13:49

my DH goes away every couple of months for 2-3 weeks but I stay in family home, I think your situation sounds similar to families where someone is in armed forces or works away on oil rigs ( not the personal stuff obviously but the living apart bit) it could work but do you speak french fluently otherwise you might be lonely as you will be apart for 6-8 weeks stretches

I think lots of marriages partnerships survive even thrive like this

ImpyCelyn Wed 22-Jun-11 13:17:10

I speak fluent French, and I'd get the car, so I'd be able to get out and do things.

Things have been very tense lately, so it probably would rekindle things a bit.

Thanks for the positive info smile

MrsSnaplegs Wed 22-Jun-11 13:31:28

I agree with sarahtigh forces families go through this regularly, if your relationship with DH is strong and the distance from your mother would improve your life then I would say try it. How long before your DH could move there as well?

ImpyCelyn Wed 22-Jun-11 13:34:24

Another two years probably.

mousymouse Wed 22-Jun-11 14:14:28

hmm, I agree that you should move away from your mother.
pre dc dh and I lived 300km apart for 4 years while he was doing his phd. we saw each other every weekend and during every holiday and of course spoke on the phone every day. many people prophecied an end to our relationship but it is still going strong (15y now). but I wouldn't want to do that now with small dc tbh.
I have a stressfull relationship with my mother and was dependent like you (rented a room in her flat) for some time. since I have moved away (we are talking 1000 miles and a stretch of water) I feel much better. we still see each other a few time a year, but it is much relaxter.

Buda Wed 22-Jun-11 15:49:58

I have some friends about to do this. It's not easy but do-able. ESP if you have a time limit on it.

Is it possible to find somewhere else to live where you are rather than move though?

ImpyCelyn Wed 22-Jun-11 16:20:33

We can't afford anywhere else round here. Not on top of our mortgage. A room would be cheaper than the flat for DH, and we could save the extra for extra visits.

Things have gotten worse with my parents, they're threatening us with unspecified "repercussions" over the latest incident, so I'm more and more keen to go ahead.

diddl Wed 22-Jun-11 16:57:51

Having read your other thread, I would say for your own sanity-do it-ASAP!

ShoutyHamster Wed 22-Jun-11 17:13:48

Posted on your other thread...

No, it wouldn't be ideal, but the crucial thing is that your DH seems a lovely chap and one who would be prepared (as you clearly are) to weather a period of separation for the greater good, so to speak. You seem a strong couple - you're facing the current adversities with the right attitude (i.e. that your own family unit are the important ones and the ones worth fighting for). So I think you'd be fine. And given the alternative, it seems a fairly good plan!!!

garlicnutter Wed 22-Jun-11 18:06:30

Sounds very reasonable to me. You've evidently thought through the implications of living in France - you have language, car and DC. The ingredients for managing by yourself and building a network are in place, and that will lay the groundwork for when DH can relocate full-time.

It's not too far to visit on long weekends, etc. There's Skype. Go for it!
Bonne chance - and adieu, maman grin

Speaking from the other side (ie - I have toxic in-laws and we lived in a house they owned) I have to say that moving away from his family has been really positive and beneficial. Be prepared for a bit of a wobble at first, but your DH sounds very supportive and you'll get through it and believe me - it will make your DH so happy and relieved not to see you being hurt and your relationship will hopefully blossom like mine has.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you find out that this was the absolute right decision for you.

ImpyCelyn Wed 22-Jun-11 19:58:25

Thanks very much everyone.

I think we'll see out the academic year, spend the summer with ILs, and then will just not come home for the new year.

Back, I mean, I'll be living in our new home.


Thanks again

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now