Taking my DS out of the country tomorrow for 2 weeks, M still refusing to talk to me because of it - Long

[ImpyCelyn]

On Sunday DH told me that he'd got me and DS (8m) plane tickets to go to USA to stay with my BF and her family for 2 weeks.

My mother has taken this really badly (classic). She seems to think DS is actually hers, she hates me, and she really hates my BF and her family.

I called her on Sunday evening to let her know and she was obviously pissed off, no "oh how lovely for you both". Then it was "so am I even going to see DS before you leave". I told her I'd bring him down one evening and asked when she was free "I'm busy every day this week".

So I arranged to pop in quickly on Monday. She basically said nothing to me, said nothing at all about our trip, and took it personally when a very tired DS didn't want to be picked up and taken away from me. On the way out I suggested I pop in again tonight and got told "don't bother, you'll be busy", so I said it was no problem and she should let me know.

I work very very hard at trying to be ultra civil to M, as anything but the sweetest treatment has her raging that I'm rude, aggressive and ungrateful - while she screams in my face and calls me names.

Anyway, about 30mins after I got home she called, very tearful. Apparently DH had mentioned to Dad that he was going to suggest to me that I had DS chrismated while I'm over there. It's the church I was chrismated in (with no family, just BF and hers), and it's the one we planned to have DS's in in September (before my friend's fiancé called off their wedding; BF had suggested we do it the week before). After their wedding was cancelled DH and I had many discussions over what to do about DS because I was really against having him baptised RC, whereas DH doesn't mind him being chrismated.

So M threw a massive fit and guilt trip about how awful it was that it would be done with no family (she didn't care about mine), how they desperately wanted to see him baptised (Dad is an atheist, M hasn't been to church since our wedding and only went a few times before that to prove her credentials in competition with DMIL), how my grandparents would be so upset not to see their first great-grandchild baptised (my parents didn't do it for us, and they survived not seeing their first grandchildren baptised) etc etc

Then how awful it was to do it without DH (it was his idea) and how stupid it was to do it without his godfather (if we do it elsewhere it'll be without the godmother).

On and on, until finally "and I suppose it'll be that awful Mr X who does it" (BF's father who is a deacon) - which I think is the real issue. Especially as apparently the first thing my Dad said to DH about it was "I'm upset that Mr X will be doing it, because I hate him". They hate him and his wife because when I got married they wrote a lovely letter to my parents in which they described me as their second daughter - this apparently deeply offended my parents because they , and only they, are my family. (Overlooking my bro's BF who they constantly refer to as their second son). Also, I think, because my parents destroyed our relationship and I think they think that I love BF's lovely parents more than them, they're not wrong, but I've never mentioned it.

Anyway, Mr X may well be deaconing that day, but he will not be doing a Chrismation because he is not a priest.

DH's parents, who are deeply religious, are very supportive of it being done, and just want to hold a little party for their friends and family when we next go to France to welcome him to the community.

Ultimately DH and I think that as it's a religious sacrament what matters for us and DS is that we do it in a way we're happy with. We know that what matters to my mum is showing him off in his white gown, being complimented on how lovely he is, and demonstrating what a generous and kind GM and hostess she is.

Anyway, the upshot is, I'm being ignored, again.

And I don't know whether I should just take DS to see M tonight, or whether I should just leave her to wallow in her self-created misery. I'd like to do the latter, but I'm fairly certain that if I do I will be the evil bitch who didn't even bring DS to say goodbye.

Sorry for the essay, but I am so so sick of all the hassle and grief that I get from her, and I'm so pissed off that she is trying to control what we do with DS.

When I was a child family was me, bro, M&D, she cut her own parents and sisters out of it. Now that I have a DS she makes sure to stress at every available opportunity that family is me, bro, M&D and DS - DH until he started helping me stand up to them, and she also likes to tell me that when it comes to raising DS they only opinions that matter are ours and theirs.

She finished on the phone with "well, it's your choice. Goodbye" and hung up.

DH is telling Dad today that we're going ahead as planned.

Aaargh.


Thanks for reading this, if you got this far, I really needed to offload.

[mousymouse]

don't see her, she is ignoring you.
I know the guilt is bad, but relax, think about your own family and just let your mother be miserable.

[Grabaspoon]

Awful situation. But he is YOUR son - if you want to get him chrismated in america then then why not. You could always throw a party when you get home.

I wouldn't bother going tonight - just say DS was tired or that she had told you not to.

[DuelingFanjo]

if it were me I wouldn't bother taking him to say goodbye. just go on holiday. can your dad talk some sense into her?

[Ragwort]

Ignore her.

She is emotionally blackmailing you and not respecting the fact that you are grown up with your own family.

[ImpyCelyn]

Thanks everyone. I'll leave it for tonight unless they call.

My dad is rubbish. She is so volatile and manipulative and she makes his life hell. He won't intervene if it'll make life worse for him.

I spent all my teenage years believing he was helping me, because when there was a really bad problem with mum he'd tell me he'd talk to her. I found out when I was pregnant that he never had. That betrayal really hurt.

I'll speak to DH about a little party for when we get home, I'm sure all extended family and friends would be happy with that, realistically they only really come to baptisms for the after-party anyway.

[bamboostalks]

What's chrismated?

[mummytime]

Maybe you need to hang around the relationship boards more. Your mother does sound a bit toxic.
Have a great trip. Don't expect any approval from your mother but do what is best for you, your DH and your son.

[Ephiny]

I can understand her wanting to be there for the baptism/chrismation, these rituals are important to some people. But having a massive strop about you wanting to take your own child on holiday for a couple of weeks... - if that's typical then she sounds very hard work!

I would ignore if you can, put her out of your mind and try to enjoy your trip.

[TheCrackFox]

Stop dancing to her tune.

My mum is very similar and TBH you need to treat her like a tantruming toddler - ignore, ignore, ignore.

You are allowed to have your own family and make your own decisions in life. You do not need (although it might be nice) your Mother's approval.

[ImpyCelyn]

Chrismation is the Eastern Church equivalent of Confirmation, except that in the Eastern Church it happens straight after Baptism, here. So it's not just that I want it done abroad, it's a different sacramental rite. It means DS will be able to receive the Eucharist.

Ephiny, I would agree, except that she didn't have me or my brother baptised, and when I choose to do it as an adult she didn't care enough to want to be there. She just wants to show off.

She refers to DS as "my (ie her) baby", she thinks she's being badly treated because she won't be able to see him for two weeks. With never a thought spared for DH's parents who've only seen him twice.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Re the chrismation, I think you are being a bit unreasonable doing it somewhere where you know your mother can't attend and that it will upset her regardless of how religious etc you think she is. Things like that are a family occasion and it's fairly sure it'll cause trouble if you do it elsewhere.

Having said that, about the rest of the stuff she sounds utterly bonkers. I wouldn't bother going to see her, go off on your trip, have a lovely time and see if she's cooled down when you get back. If she hasn't then tough titty.

[kaluki]

Your mother sounds toxic but your DH sounds absolutely great.
What a lovely thing to do for you (I am a little bit !!)
Have a wonderful holiday and don't give her a second thought!

[TheCrackFox]

Let me guess - if you mother was at the Chrismation she would make the entire day all about herself?

[ImpyCelyn]

Gwendoline - but she knew the alternative was having it done in France, and then she didn't give a hoot that she might not be able to make it. It's because my friend and her family will be there that she's annoyed, but she's trying to claim it's about every other reason under the son.

Oh, and because DS will then be the same religion as me, which she's really anti because, that's right, it's the same as my friend's.

There is no church for my faith in England, and only two in France, one where DH's parents live. So it would never have been here.

She just wants me to run him up the road to the local RC church, which was never going to happen.

She's a foul woman and don't think for one second that she thinks it's a family affair. She knows that if it's done in England DH's parents wouldn't be able to afford to come - her response to that, "tough, they should make the effort like I do".

[Ephiny]

Oh I see, can understand why you want it done in the US then :)

[Ephiny]

Do you know why she hates your friend so much, even to the point of hating an entire religion because it's the one she happens to belong to? That sounds very strange indeed...

[ImpyCelyn]

Well my wedding was all about her. She shouted at me as soon as she arrived at the reception and made me cry in front of everyone. DH was furious.

She's also a martyr.

Apparently at our civil wedding she had been up since the crack of dawn preparing all the food for guests. Friends staying at their house did this because she didn't even make it down for breakfast and my dad and MIL prepared stuff.

Also she had to be allowed to visit when DS was hours old, because I was selfish and depriving her of her right.

I keep being told I have to come and visit friends of hers because they want to see DS, but when we get there she doesn't let them near him.

So yes, I'd say you have her spot on.

[throckenholt]

just accept your mother will not like whatever you suggest - do what you want to do and enjoy it. It is not her choice.

[ImpyCelyn]

Ephiny - I really think it's because I like my friend, and I like her family, and they give me lots of support and advice and love.

I told her years ago that friend's mum had said that she'd love me to marry her eldest son, because she'd love having me truly belong to their family. Mum hit the roof. She can't seem to take it as a good thing that other people like me.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Fair enough :)

[ImpyCelyn]

Sorry to have been a bit terse Gwendoline, my mum is very good at making other people think she's suffering, put upon and a wonderful person, whilst treating her family and everyone she doesn't like like shit, so I get a bit upset when she gets any sympathy

[EldritchCleavage]

It really sounds like time to disengage a bit. Your mother has not been kind to you over this and it sounds as though she is never going to approve of what you and your DH choose to do. The battles over your DS are only going to get worse.

So, you have nothing much to lose (bar a bit of short-term pain) by getting her at arm's length and keeping her there.

[Hullygully]

Tell her to fuck off. Really.

[ShoutyHamster]

You're right - she does sound like a foul woman. And the fact that you think of her that way says a lot.

It sounds as if any love or respect was destroyed a long time ago.

It sounds like you practically YEARN to escape having anything to do with her.

Why don't you start thinking about the option of telling her just to get lost?

Not just for you though.

She sounds the sort of person who will quite happily, when your child is older, bad-mouth you to him, emotionally blackmail him in the way she does you, try to cause rifts and upset and hurt in his world, just as she does yours.

Think hard whether you want a granny like this for him to grow up with and learn from. It's not an easy decision to go no contact but you sound like you're half-way there already.

[ImpyCelyn]

Funny you should say that ShoutyHamster, I've just started this thread

I am truly hoping that she wouldn't treat my DS like that, but I'm not sure. She likes boys and men more than women, so he's lucky in that respect. But if I have any daughters I think she could be a nightmare.

She'll certainly be rude about me to them though, I don't think she'd hesitate to criticise us.