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Grown up support needed,please

(32 Posts)
piranhamorgana Wed 22-Jun-11 09:38:03

Sorry if I am attention seeking.I started another thread last night but have had no posts,so thought maybe it's the title putting people off?
I will cut and paste what I put there...

piranhamorgana Tue 21-Jun-11 21:36:57
Hope it's ok to start my own support thread.....
I have finally- (original post was January) - had an offer on my house -( the de-cluttered version of the one on my profile pics.!)

So,with luck,we are aiming to move during August.I am off to look for a house tomorrow,in a smallish town which is 20 miles from a Big City .
This will mean :-
- xp,babydd's "dad" will never know where we are.(He has never made contact,and there is a court order ready if he tries)
- We will be in a home and an area with no bad memories
- We will be on a main train line to city life
- There will be job opportunities (I will have to commute an hour each way back here until I check these out ,so it will be harder until I find something)
- We will be able to walk/cycle into town ,where we will be anonymous as we look around shops or visit the > gasp < Arts Centre or Museum
-We will all make new friends - the dc are anxious about changing schools again,but know they have done it before and will survive
-We will de-clutter - I have lost 30k on this sale so far,and will not be able to afford much,so we will be pinched for space,but are trying to see this as an opportunity for a simple life
-The older dc will be able to bus and train and cycle to loads of places
-We will be part of a multi-cultural community again

>>whisper<< I do have a "good friend" not too far from the area we are aiming there is a possibility this may have the chance to develop...

And the biggie ---- We will be almost 3 hours away from my toxic family.Too far for them to "pop in " or to call over for tea.I am almost NC.Since I stopped providing them with any supply and stick to chit chat,they actually avoid me.This evening,dad rang and simply asked to speak to the dc.They all became "too busy",and when I told him this,he said he would ring another day and hung up.Nothing more at all. Weird feeling,but I am determined that this move will mean an almost complete break.
I am not sure how,yet.

And I have no one to help me make important decisions about choosing houses,organising logistics,or just leaning on.
Please can I ask this from you all

piranhamorgana Tue 21-Jun-11 21:59:30
I may sound sorted and confident,but I am feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and fear .
I have been back at work full time for 6 weeks and every week day is a blur of getting myself and 5dc up,washed,dressed ,fed and out before 7.45.Then in ,fed,dog walked,homework,housework,bed after 6pm.

I am totally shattered all the time.I don't have time to think.I feel sorry for myself and lonely,but don't have time to process any of it.
I work in MH.I am giving of myself every waking hour of every day.
I feel as if I carry the world on my shoulders.People say they don't know how I cope.But I have to.
I am not depressed and I teach stress management as part of my job!!!!!!

The move is about getting somewhere safe,away,and being able to review my finances and choices so that maybe I can make changes which will ease things for me.

But the next 6 months will mean a big increase in stress.

And why do I care that my p's have never asked how I am coping,or what is happening in my life.They tell the dc all about every detail of my b's lives and all their lovely times together,and criticize me for not giving any of my time to them.Or ignore me.I need to stop caring about this.

But I feel like a frightened child inside so much of the time.

Thanks for reading,if you get this far.

carlywurly Wed 22-Jun-11 09:56:01

Wow, I'm full of admiration for you too after reading through this. See the house sale as the first part of your journey to a new life. It sounds like you'll have to go through some upheaval for a while, but ultimately it will be a fresh start for you all.

I'm sorry that you've had so many toxic people in your life. I think you have to reach an acceptance that your p's are troubled, you can cope well without them, and are moving on with your life. I don't think it will ever stop hurting, but in time, the pain will fade to a numbness.

Focus on looking forward, the new opportunities with your career, area, and friend! Honestly, I think your courage is inspiring.Look after yourself in as many small ways as possible - get the dc's taking responsibility for household chores if they're old enough, get your shopping delivered, take as much you-time as is available.

cestlavielife Wed 22-Jun-11 10:01:33

just the day to day stuff is a lot for one person - could you get an au pair type person for few months? to help out a little?

well done on the move a new start sounds great

Anniegetyourgun Wed 22-Jun-11 10:09:35

Of course you're worried. It's a big decision, moving your large family quite a long way. A lot of things will change and you're the one making sure everything goes right. You are, of course, very capable of doing all this and it definitely does need doing, but it's natural that you feel the weight of responsibility just the same. The move will be frantic but after that things will start to ease off a bit. Meanwhile your DCs are growing up and increasingly able to share your burdens instead of adding to them. You have brought five lovely human beings into the world, thereby making it a better place. Whatever else happens you know you achieved something worthwhile there!

You owe your parents NOTHING. You don't have the time to give at the moment anyway, which any proper parent would understand. A proper parent would even offer to help, rather than demanding why you aren't giving, giving and giving some more to them. Being further away from those emotional leeches will be the biggest bonus in all this.

Good luck with the possible love interest, if you can find a spare minute to date...

piranhamorgana Wed 22-Jun-11 10:12:07

Thank you so much ,I am in a bit of a state this morning.- the other thread has posts on too,now - sorry for taking up two threads,I will link one to the other.

piranhamorgana Wed 22-Jun-11 10:18:53

The other thread links here,now.

I am just off down to new area to look at 8 houses.I am not mad about any of them,but will have to make a decision soon as I don't want to lose my buyer.
And I am DESPERATE to get on with it all.

So I will be back this evening to try and straighten my ideas out and prioritise....

Lemonylemon Wed 22-Jun-11 11:43:44

PM Your day sounds a bit like mine and I only have 2dc! I don't have a moment to breathe either. But I don't have the added stress of toxic family and b'stard exes to deal with.....

Meal plans; shopping list; chores rota (for those big enough); job list.

I think that you're very brave. You know that you're doing the right thing, but sometimes we do wobble about it. Keep going, you'll get there eventually.

Wisedupwoman Wed 22-Jun-11 12:21:17

What Annie said is true PM.

The day I finally realised I could stop trying to be the DD my parents wanted (and were continuously disappointed in) was the day I was set free to be the person I am now. My relationship with them transformed from that moment, and I didn't feel like the frightened little girl I had been for a very long time. So now I choose when I see and speak to them and they respect me, and help me out if I ask (which isn't very often, since it's a bit late for that now, but still, needs must sometimes).

I think you're so brave to be taking on such a momentous task, and I too will face this in the not too distant future with my own DD, but I know you can do it even though it feels like a big responsibility. You're a mum and you already know what a responsibility this is, so this is part of what you already know how to do, it just looks and feels a bit more onerous.

I think when you've found the house you want you'll find a way to make time for yourself and new friendships. As you say, you'll feel and be free to do whatever you like with whomever you want with no-one to answer to - that's a bonus in itself.

It's really great to see such a thread here, one of hope and possibilities.

Good luck with the house-hunting.

garlicnutter Wed 22-Jun-11 12:32:58

Oh, PM, congratulations! I am so happy to hear you're getting the move sorted, are back at work and have <gasp> a tentative new relationship.

Of course you are doing OK. Of course it is stressful; you're doing three of the most stressful life events at once. Just because you know how to manage stress, doesn't mean you'll always do a perfect job of it. I know how to thread my own eyebrows, but I still make a hash of it!

It's part of your stress technique to manage your expectations of yourself, isn't it?

That's FANTASTIC news about your dad's phone call. My god, well done!! I'm sure you feel a little 'lost' about it - a part of your life, which was characterised by endless drama; adrenaline surges; exaggerated (negative) emotions; has gone - so there's grief, even though you wanted & needed it gone. And, like all of us, you still wish you had a mummy and a daddy who could care about you and for you.

This wears off, I promise! Are you still doing your own therapy? As you develop your self-care and self-parenting, the others in your birth family gently reduce in stature until they're just fucked-up people you used to know. Naturally, it's a long process and everyone does it differently: Gilbert's "Compassionate Mind" has moved me along rather beautifully with this.

After you've moved, perhaps you can look into hiring somebody to help with the everyday home tasks smile

Go, Morgana, Go! grin

quiddity Wed 22-Jun-11 13:05:39

That's great news, pm! Of course it will be horrendously stressful handling the move etc but then you can settle into your lovely new life. It will be wonderful for you and your DCs. You're doing so well!

UnlikelyAmazonian Wed 22-Jun-11 13:12:49

PM, hello darlink. There is so much I want to say but dont know where to start. It would be an essay! grin

Bullet points:
Look for a house that you connect with in some way - it aint ever going to be the house of your dreams but concentrate on things like:
1) Is the kitchen biggish enough to cram five round a table and if not can some sit ok in the sitting room? (what big families all eat together nowadays anyway?)
2) Is there enough space outside for a table and chairs and a bbq?
3) Is there a downstairs loo? or second loo at least anywhere?
4) Can you see something green and flowering from the windows?
5) Is parking not too bad?
6) If you have a couple of objects/bits of furniture that you really can't bear to part with, can they fit in somewhere?
7) Where are you going to put the tiger?

Obviously last point was fabricated. ha ha {I hope}

As for taking a 33k drop, sod it. You need to move away from where you are and you are making all the right sensible noises, and loudly, about why - ie to be near civilisation again. Coffee shop, museum, bike ride to something for the DCs.

I do the ole' cleaning and it's a pittance, but like I say, sod it. It is working for now and I am sane and happy and that's all that matters.

As for your parents, well you will eventually overcome this. I know exactly what you mean and feel about wishing you had daddy and mummy. Its fucking painful. But the fact is they are the toddlers and you are the grown up now. You must start to think of them in nappies, sucking their thumbs and stamping their toddler feet. Put them back in the cots they belong in.

Life is going to shine for you soon. I know it.

And dc on YT has a really rather incredible talent by the way. Sent shivers down my spine. Hugs to you all and big fat kisses all round. You can do this. xxxx

piranhamorgana Wed 22-Jun-11 22:33:40

Just sitting down after a hectic day trekking round a blur of houses.Dd2,who is 13,mysteriously managed to be sent home from school with a headache,just in time to come toohmm

Amazingly,the very first house was quite unexpectedly lovely! I have put in an offer already and will hear back tomorrow.The only problem could be that the owners may have just set up a tenant on a six month rental,as they lost a sale back in March and are relocating back to England.

I don't want to jinx it by describing ,until I know what's happening.The other 7 houses were much less interesting.I think if it came to it,I would rather wait for the first one to be available,or wait for something else to come on.I have seen everything in my price range in the area.

Thank you all so much for your responses.
carly - this is the start of a new life.I can see now,with a house I could get excited about,how much we have to look forward to. And if this is not the one,there will be another.
cestlavie - I'd love an au pair - or a lovely granny-type house keeper!
Annie - yes,getting away from them all is the best bit.They have no claim whatsoever on the area,know nothing about it,and I plan to tell the p's that they may have my address only if they agree not to pass it on to anyone else.That will mean either they will create a scene or row about the request itself,or that I will receive post which will prove they have ignored me.
Lemony -lists,rotas and lists ,oh yes....
Wisedup - you can do it ,too.Are you re-locating?
garlic - my m rang just now and attempted to ask what on earth I thought I was doing "putting my dc through all this"..I ignored the words and wittered away brightly about the weather before saying I was cooking dinner....eventually my feelings will catch up.My b's and sil are,like you say,fucked-up people I used to know.That's a start.
quid -thanks!
UA - fab check list!.The one I want ticked all those (except tiger!)
I will be saying sod it and going for staying sane above all,when we get there.I could even look for a job where I can cycle to work!
Thanks for comps. re dd!xxx

I will update tomorrow.

piranhamorgana Fri 24-Jun-11 09:47:35

So - my offer was accepted! Great news,although my response last night was to be so overwhelmed that I had to have a cry and go to sleep...

The house is a mid terrace,looks unremarkable from the front,and is on a main road.
But it is opposite a bank which is wooded and goes up and up to the mountains at the top of the valley.From there,you can see right across to,other valleys..England...(may out myself if not careful)
At the back - spectacular views ,across the tops of the terraces ,over the river and up the other side of the valley to the hills and woods.
There are three storeys.You go in at the front to the living room,then downstairs to the kitchen,which opens out onto a sunny - west facing- patio.The garden has three terraces,down to a garage and goes out at the end onto a cycle path which goes to town in one direction, and to the city in the other.All along the valley,far from the roads.
There are three bedrooms,but room to extend into the loft.And they are all doubles,so the dc can share to start with.Two bathrooms !!!!
It has been modernised and decorated.We can unpack and get on with it.....

Now today,I am at home ringing local schools and nursery and arranging visits.And starting the mortgage application.....
With all my fingers crossed....

EveryonesJealousOfGingers Fri 24-Jun-11 09:54:06

Hey I have just read your thread and how fab to find at the bottom that you've found a house! We have been searching for ages and I just said to DH that we have to have 'the feeling' when we walk in, regardless of how many boxes it ticks - sounds like you've got both! Congrats and I think you are doing really well.

ShoutyHamster Fri 24-Jun-11 11:08:50

I remember your threads, and you!

So glad to hear that things are going so well. You're a brave person smile and one day your kids are going to look back and be so proud.

New house sounds brilliant, I'm quite jealous. Can I just say too that I just looked at your profile and absolutely LOVE the style of your old house - the throws, the artwork, the comfiness. It looks like a happy house full of interesting people. I can just imagine the new three-storey house full of all your stuff and I have a mental picture of just the kind of house I'd like to live in...

It also sounds as if your way of dealing with the Toxics is working and will continue to, so bravo for that. You've been very smart - rather than waste time trying to reason with and change them, you've worked out what it is they want to suck from you and have simply stopped providing it. Carry on with this and I'm guessing you'll be no contact within the year and it'll stay that way. As your kids grow up and your life changes, you'll only move further and further away until you'e simply a person they don't know any more.

Good luck with everything, I predict happy times ahead smile smile

garlicnutter Fri 24-Jun-11 12:12:09

Oh, PM, how wonderful! Hope it all goes smoothly smile

UnlikelyAmazonian Fri 24-Jun-11 14:19:32

Great news PM. I want to see it I want to see it! Linky?

piranhamorgana Fri 24-Jun-11 15:00:26

UA - have pm-ed you......will send link to anyone else if you pm me first.Not sure I should put out publicly!!

garlicnutter Fri 24-Jun-11 15:02:53

No, don't. Could risk undoing your good work.

UnlikelyAmazonian Fri 24-Jun-11 15:14:02

hee. I meant PM me - should have said. If you went public you might be gazumped! Will have a look.
Fingers toes and eyes crossed for you lovely. x x x

Anniegetyourgun Fri 24-Jun-11 17:26:25

Sounds fantastic, PM.

Putting your DC through all what? Moving house? Oh you ogre! There's a trauma they'll never recover from hmm

piranhamorgana Tue 28-Jun-11 17:15:33


The chain has broken down

Spent this am - (while at work,balancing calls)- arranging schools admissions for next term in new area.Set up a visit to new house on Saturday to show dc where we will be living come September.

Homebuyers survey went in today for my purchase.Mortgage application on the doorstep.Remainder of packing underway.

Buyers buyer pulls out again.

No one let me know yesterday,I rang this am to find out when they would be doing a survey.They were told yesterday.No point complaining or moving agents- we live in the back of beyond and no one cares.

I really feel desperate.There's nothing at all I can do to make my house sold.Without the money from a sale,I must stay in a rural backwater,full of bad memories.My dc don't understand and it is impossible to explain the hows and whys -" why don't we just go anyway,that house is empty?" etc

How do I do a FT job (where I am responsible for others,and have to make scary decisions) and meet everyone's needs when I get in,and before I go.
I am diminishing to a dot of angry,helpless used cotton wool.

DutchOma Tue 28-Jun-11 18:32:21

That is really awful PM. Just don't know what to say.

EveryonesJealousOfGingers Tue 28-Jun-11 21:27:00

Aaaarggghhhh I totally feel your pain, after posting here on Friday I found out just after that our chain had collapsed sad

BUT the agents remarketed straight away and we are now considering another offer - get them on side, talk nicely to them and appeal to their better nature (they might have one, you never know) and get them geared up to everything humanly possible to sell your house.

It sold once, it will sell again, and you will move. I know it's easy to say, but even if this purchase falls through, you will eventually find somewhere else. And it could still work out - you haven't necessarily lost the house. It ain't over til the fat lady sings.

Massive hugs x

UnlikelyAmazonian Tue 28-Jun-11 22:03:14

Absolutely agree. Pick yourself up off the floor (again grrr) and kick the agents to make sure they get your place straight back on the market and to ring any previous viewees too see if they can twist their arms.

The house you want is not lost yet. And your sale can happen again quickly. Lean on the agents for a bit of counselling..thats part of their fee!!!! big hugs x x x

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