does anyone actually love themself?

[fizzfiend]

Apparently my failed relationships/disasters are because I don't love myself. Seems a bit too late now. No I don't love myself because I know all the crap I'm capable of, though I can hide it from others...not talking anything bad, just being selfish, thoughtless, etc, etc.

Am not sure I want to love myself...wouldn't I become a real arse then? I don't mind myself! Help!

[seriouslynow]

Hi fizz,

Ok, we're all selfish, thoughtless, etc.etc. - that's part of being human, it's not that bad, and it's certainly not a reason to "not love yourself".

We're not perfect... none of us are... don't let anyone goad you into believing you need to be perfect. For every fault you have, I bet you have a quality that balances it. Think on that and let me know!!!

[tallwivglasses]

Replace the word 'love' for 'self respect'?

[FaffTastic]

No- I'm having counselling at the moment and the counsellor asked me to say positive things about myself and I honestly couldn't (and still can't) think of one nice thing to say.

Ironically enough, I'm sure there are some people who think I'm a bit arrogant and do love myself. They couldn't be further from the truth!

[OpusProSerenus]

I'm not sure you need to love yourself in a "Wow, look at me I'm gorgeous" sort of way but you need to learn to be kind to yourself and appreciate your good points.

I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin as I grow older and am beginning to understand this a bit more now. I read somewhere recently that if you tell yourself "I am brilliant", like in affirmations, there will probably be a little voice in your head arguing with yourself. Apparently it works better to ask "Why am I brilliant?" or "What is brilliant about me?" That encourages your brain to come up with positive thoughts instead of arguments.

But really just remember be as kind to yourself as you would like others to be to you :)

[Anniegetyourgun]

Loving yourself is good, but you have to love yourself faults and all, like you would a best friend; neither worship nor despise yourself. Take pride in your strengths, address your weaknesses. You are allowed not to be perfect, as a human being, but you should also strive to overcome your imperfections.

Not minding yourself is a good start...

[tallwivglasses]

'with' I mean. Bloody hell

[RCToday]

I do

[FaffTastic]

Sorry, above post was a bit of a ramble. I think the most 'rounded' people recognise and love their good points but also recognise and accept their cad points. I think most counsellors do think it's important to love yourself but loving yourself also means accepting your bad points.


Those that come across as a bit of an arse through loving themselves don't think they have any bad points or think they aren't responsible for their bad points iykwim.

[fizzfiend]

ok well that's good. I know most of my bad points....that doesn't stop them coming out to say hello often. Wish I could be better...I am an attention seeker....and always trying to prove myself. But people say Im really kind...ah hell just having a massive mid-life crisis..

I want to be a better person but feel fake most of the time. Maybe it's time to move out of London!

[LauLauLemon]

I honestly love myself but there are things that are bad about me and things I need to work on.

I have nice coloured eyes, great hair, I'm tall and I have full lips. I pretty much dislike everything else about me physically but I love myself to accept the parts I can't change without thousands in surgery and work on the rest.

I am outgoing, I speak my mind, I thonk of others most of the time, I'm polite, I'm driven and I have a lot of love to give but I know I can lie easily, I know the truth can be more blunt than intended, I can get people's backs up, I can be thoughtless and I am terrible with money.

Loving ypurself isn't being in love with yourself but recognising the positive and acknowledging the negative.

[FaffTastic]

Too add a different slant, or maybe the angle that your therapist is coming from, maybe you can be selfish or thoughtless to others because you don't love yourself enough. I've found that as my self esteem and respect for myself has lessened over the years my behaviour towards others has gotten worse too. Like yourself, nothing really bad, but being a bit thoughtless, selfish, always late etc

Sort of like you have to love and respect yourself truly first before you can really love and respect others.

Haven't really got what I'm trying to say across properly but hope you get what I mean

P.s I found that living in London maybe changed me slightly for the worse but moving away from London didn't help. More other factors than my actual location but, yes, at the time I thought moving away would make everything better!

[FaffTastic]

I envious of you LauLau (in a nice way!) for being able to say the good and bad about yourself. 6 months of counselling and I can still only come up with the bad...

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Maybe it's not so much loving yourself as in idolising yourself, more like the way you feel about a much-loved family member. You know them, and their faults and foibles, but you love them anyway because of all the amazing things that they are. My general attitude is that I can be a bit of a bugger (and there have been times when I've considered myself worthless) but I'm not a bad old stick in the great scheme of things.

I could sit here and list my failings and flaws all night, but I do realise that everyone does stupid and sometimes mean things, and I can talk myself into remembering nice things that I do for others as well, and things that I'm good at.

Also it's probably important not to compare, for instance I'm quite good at e.g. reading. Fast and good vocabulary etc. I am not the most astute or the quickest reader in the universe, and I know others who are better than me, but it's still something I can do.

I bet there are lots of nice things about everyone on this thread. Even if it's something seemingly ordinary that you do without thinking, like buying a coffee for a friend, or staying up late to hear about your sister's problems etc.

[TantePiste]

Im not too impressed with myself, but i take loving yourself to mean treating yourself decently. I would be unhappy to see someone else being mistreated or mistreating someone, ergo, since i am in charge of myself it is down to me to restrain myself from bad behavior and not expose myself to or let me in for cruel or neglectful treatment. My two cents.

[Eurostar]

FaffTastic - Good point 1 for your list - you showing some support to the OP thinking about what her therapist might mean. You can start really small with your list.

Fizz - does it help to dislike yourself? Does it make you feel better or get more of what you want? I'd imagine no so why not risk a bit of self positivity and see if it does have negative consequences, probably couldn't be worse than what you are going through now can it?

[AlmostGivenUp]

Faff Do you compare yourself to others a lot? That is a sure fire way to come to the conclusion that you are not up to scratch. I have compared myself to others all through my life - not sure why, maybe that's just me. The more I do, the less I think of myself. Firstly, you have to look at what you have achieved and celebrate those achievements and secondly you should compare yourself to yourself. What I mean is, where are you now compared to where you used to be or where you wanted to be. Have you moved forward?
Another thing that you should use is NLP. Use your mind and your thoughts to be kind to yourself. I find myself saying the most derogatory things about myself - not even in my head but saying them out loud. That is not good at all. For every time I say something deregatory out loud, you can guarantee that there will be 1000 subliminal messages in your head saying the same thing. You can change these habits by actually saying positive things to yourself.
Anyway, that's all the theory -I know how hard it is to put into practice as I'm struggling with it at the moment. My counsellor is quite hard on me though and will say what he thinks and tell me to stop being so melodramatic and get on with it. That helps me a lot.
LauLau I think you are spot on by the way.

[LauLauLemon]

I was once like you and my counselor gave me invaluable advice.

You will always be your own.worst critic but from now on, once every while shut the fuck up and listen to others.

You've been told you're kind so believe that. What do you do for others, be it your DC's, DP, strangers, that may be constituted as kind? You sound quite in touch with yourself to recognise your bad points so well so being sensitive is another great trait of yours as is being determined enough to find answers about yourself that you're brave enough to open up to ypur counselor. These are small things but thry're a big step to acknowledge.

Think of the little things.
I'm great because my body has created life. I'm great because my eyelashes look nice today. I'm great because I have friends/family. I'm great because I'm loyal or faithful.

These little things you acknowledge as good things will eventually be replaced with bigger, more significant things like I love the way this dress hugs my boobs/I love that I am so generous I don't have to second guess myself or commend myself after a generous act.

Also, ask others your best qualities. You'll fond yourself believing the hype one day.

[springydaffs]

I do love myself but it's because I don't take myself personally iyswim. I'm just Another Person, with gifts and faults the same as anybody. True, I'm not as generous to myself as I am to my children (can be a bit hard on myself sometimes) but that is because I feel responsible and don't want to hurt my children, am thorough about my faults iyswim. Then sometimes I think oh give yourself a break! and ease off. I had a very loving, accepting, intelligent parent and a controlling bully parent, so I've had my work cut out tbh. In the end you get bored with feeling shit about yourself and just get on with enjoying what's out there - it's out there for you and for me and you may as well enjoy it and leave the shit in a bin.

[noddyholder]

You don't have to be perfect to love and respect yourself.

[nenevomito]

I am a bossy, self centred, self absorbed nightmare, who is also very kind, thoughtful and generous. Every one has good and bad traits and generally no one is wholly one or the other.

There is truth in what you have been told, because if you have a low opinion of yourself, you are likely to end up in a relationship either with someone who doesn't treat you very well - as you don't believe you deserve better, or with someone who also has self worth issues.

[LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded]

I don't love myself, but tend to base my self evaluation on "could I spend time alone with myself and not want to kill myself" (ie if there were 2 of me, would they tollerate each other) if that makes any sense?

I know my bad points and try to keep them under control, and find other ways of constructively venting, rather than falling back on bad old habits.

So Do I love myself, no, Do I like myself, yeah I guess so