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please help me do the right thing

(15 Posts)
donotknowwhattodo Tue 21-Jun-11 22:24:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlfalfaMum Tue 21-Jun-11 22:31:50

I can't tell you what to do.
When did he have the vasectomy? I can see how hurtful that must have been for you, I know you've felt like this for along time, but do you think you are still reacting to that?

donotknowwhattodo Tue 21-Jun-11 22:33:34

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AlfalfaMum Tue 21-Jun-11 22:43:44

It was a pretty drastic measure for him to take without your agreement. I can see how your resentment over that could eclipse your love for him. Have you had a good big row about it, or are you a bottler?

AlfalfaMum Tue 21-Jun-11 22:45:26

It sounds to me like you do really like him still, and you care about him enough not to want to hurt him.. maybe there's something still there? Would you consider relationship counselling and see what happens?

donotknowwhattodo Tue 21-Jun-11 22:45:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donotknowwhattodo Tue 21-Jun-11 22:47:15

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AlfalfaMum Tue 21-Jun-11 22:53:41

Yours sounds like an amazing relationship in many respects, he's a good husband who made one (massive) mistake, who is genuinely very sorry. You both need to work to see if you can ever get past that mistake (or not).
Good luck, whatever you decide

LadyButterfly Tue 21-Jun-11 22:53:48

Have you considered counselling for yourself? It sounds like you have lots of different issues to think through and a good counsellor could help you unpick them and find a way forward.
Some years ago I was really fed up and felt we had reached the end of the road. I was angry and distant with him and we were not emotionally close. An affair (his) shocked us into counselling and made me realise my true feelings for him, and him for me. We have been able to find a deep love for each other and are very close now. It's not all rosy by any means but we both invest in keeping closeness and are both much happier. The experience of nearly splitting up and facing the reality of being a single parent, poor, lonely vs investing in the marriage was, for me, a no brainer. You will know deep down what is right for you and I send you hope and strength.

omaoma Tue 21-Jun-11 22:54:49

if you go for counselling you're going to have to make a deal with yourself to be honest otherwise, what's the point? any resolution you would reach would be totally compromised and unsustainable. i think you understandably fear what it would mean to be totally honest with him - you're not really sure what's at root of all of this. it sounds like the situation has to change for you tho as you are so unhappy. going into counselling with him would be a brave way forward and showing you want to be and be seen as an equal with him in this.

donotknowwhattodo Tue 21-Jun-11 22:56:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

omaoma Wed 22-Jun-11 23:30:58

good luck donot. hope to hear from you again about how it's going x

Smum99 Thu 23-Jun-11 14:08:41

I hope you do manage to save your relationship as it seems like you have a lot of positives. Definitely go for counselling - either separately or jointly.

oldwomaninashoe Thu 23-Jun-11 14:28:51

You have young children, (and in my own experience that was the most difficult part of my very long marriage)
It sounds like you have a good basic relationship there and apart from that one"big thing" all should be fine.

Do not underestimate how huge an impact the vasectomy has had on your relationship, if I had been in your shoes my anger and resentment would have known no bounds.

Before you consider calling "time" on your relationship do have some counselling, you might be able be able to salvage it all and move on together!

donotknowwhattodo Thu 23-Jun-11 17:40:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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