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in the words of the song... should I stay or should I go now...

(18 Posts)
brokenlady Tue 21-Jun-11 21:23:37

Name change due to being a style and beauty regular.
I apologise in advance if this is long and rambling but as much as anything, I need to vent:

Been married to DH for 10 years, 2 DC aged 6 and 8. Marriage has had its ups and downs in the past but nothing major and I always thought we were a close family unit. DH has always known how important this was to me due to growing up in a fairly dysfunctional family myself where dad was a drinker and came and went.

3 months ago, I felt that DH changed - he became distant, constantly on his phone, secretive, lost interest in sex. I knew he was having an affair and I knew who with but he kept telling me I was paranoid, jealous, anxious, imagining things etc... I ended up going to GP thinking I was going made and was prescribed ADs.

Last week, I found the second phone that I knew he had - full of text messages between him and OW (she lives in the same town as us and is married with 3 DC). It was clear that they had been meeting regularly for sex, dates and had been using our children to give opportunities to meet. I then checked his email account and found he had further accounts I didn't know about - more evidence of dates and times of meetings and gifts he has bought her.

Confronted him and initially he tried to deny it, saying it was a few flirty texts and nothing more. I also emailed OW and her husband and set out exactly what I knew (still unsure if I should have done this but I was rash and angry). OW said I was a liar but her husband went spare.

DH eventually admitted everything, was crying, kept saying how stupid he had been, couldn't believe what he had done, wanted to stay and work things out. I insisted he left and he has been with his parents for the last week.

This has torn our families apart - our parents are all very upset, DC are heartbroken that daddy is not here and I am in shock and just so so broken. I now question everything I thought was real.

DH is bombarding me with texts and calls - to the point where I sometimes unplug phone. He claims he has made a terrible mistake and just wants a chance to put things right. I guess my heart is saying yes but my head is saying no. My DC are a weakness though and I would be so sad for them to grow up without dad around.

Just wondered if others have similar experience? What did you do? How was it for those who stayed? And what about those who left?

elephantsaregreen Tue 21-Jun-11 22:12:19

Sorry I have no words of wisdom but wanted to bump this thread. Give yourself time to think and sort this through. You don't have to have all the answers just yet. deeply sorry to hear about how your dh has selfishly done this. No one deserves to be treated like that...

piranhamorgana Tue 21-Jun-11 22:22:33

So sorry you are going through this.
I am impressed at your swift and decisive action. You are giving him a very clear message and giving yourself time and space to think.
Once the immediate intensity of your shock and upset begins to stabilize,you may feel able to think clearly about what YOU want to do from here.

I don't have any experience on this,and am sure others who do will arrive soon.
But take your time,and be very kind to yourself.

mummytime Tue 21-Jun-11 22:37:21

I think at present you are doing the right thing. You need space away from him and time to sort out your own feelings. The "use" of your children in this makes everything worse.

Hopefully those who have been through this themselves will soon be here to give you their words of wisdom. Just don't back down or start listening to him until they do. You have no reason to feel guilty, he has every reason to feel guilty.

buzzsore Tue 21-Jun-11 22:37:26

I think you're doing the right things. Give yourself space and time away from this man and make sure you do what's right for you. There's no hurry.

Remember this man was happy to let you think you were going mad to cover up what he was doing - that's just appalling.

Don't feel pressured to take him back. The dc will still be able to have a relationship with their father whether you take him back or not.

joblot Tue 21-Jun-11 22:41:00

Your composure is truly impressive. I went to pieces when cheated on, not recommended. No easy answers but try to reflect on why it happened, your role in the realationship and talk to friends.
Take your time if you can, its a massive deal. Hope you get what you need

FabbyChic Tue 21-Jun-11 22:43:00

Sorry you are in such a bad place. Time is a great healer, and time is what will give you either the strength to go it alone or decide to make another go of it.

There is no rush, don't be pressured into doing anything you are unsure of.

Take your time and think about what you want in the long term, I know the children are a factor but it should be you you think about when making any decision about the future.

Sending virtual hugs.

brokenlady Wed 22-Jun-11 14:27:42

Thank you so much - you have all given me reassurance that I am doing the right things at the moment. This is something I need as I feel so unsure about everything.

I feel so angry towards OW as well - how do you deal with this

Xales Wed 22-Jun-11 14:44:30

Don't worry about the OW. Leave her to her own sordid life, she is beneath you, not worth your time, thoughts or even your contempt.

You are doing the right thing. Whether you separate or get back together what you need now is space.

Your H needs to knock the pathetic 'oh dear I have been caught out I better act sorry' act and get his arse in gear.

He needs to prove to you that he is serious, your marriage needs pulling apart to find out why he thinks he had the right to do this and why he turned it on you being paranoid etc. He needs to answer all and any questions you have honestly, no brushing it under the carpet and saying it is in the past. Only then can it be rebuilt.

Arrange some counselling for yourself alone and if you feel you want it for you as a couple.

See a solicitor. It doesn't matter what you decide but if you know what you are entitled to you are in a strong position if he starts being a bastard and demanding 50% of the house, 50% of the kids etc.

Go to an STI clinic asap. Sorry sad

You will have your weak tearful days but you are being amazingly strong smile

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 22-Jun-11 16:07:59

So sorry - I am 5 weeks on from discovering my H's 15 months affair with an old friend. It has been and still is very hard. H is doing everything he can to help and is taking full responsibility by answering all my questions, going to counselling on his own, going to the GUM clinic etc. He has also given me all his passwords so that I can check his emails, mobile etc. He has stopped all contact with OW and deleted her contact details.

He is aware that I am willing to work through the current situation but cannot promise that I will stay in the marriage as he has done so much damage. However we have been married for 15 years and have two children so I feel that its worth giving it a go as long as he is willing to make every effort.

I found Shirley Glass's book very helpful - google her website.

brokenlady Wed 22-Jun-11 16:55:15

Thank you all, again. I know I shouldn't waste time on OW but at times my mind goes haywire. Whilst I hold DH ultimately responsible as he had the responsibility to me, I just can't get my head round why a married woman with 3 DC would be willing to do this to another woman and DC.

Madabout I am really glad you posted as a lot of what you said is what is happening for me right now too and I appreciate the support. <<hugs to you>>

DH smashed up both phones and destroyed both sim cards infront of me, he has got a new phone and has given the number to only those who have good reason to need to contact him. He has also said that he is happy to leave this phone out and that I can look at it any time - when, and if, I let him back home. He has also deleted all email accounts while I was present and has set up a new account that includes my name and he has left me the password for this so I can check anytime.

DH also has an appt with our GP on Thursday to discuss GUM clinic, also his drinking and smoking which have been out of control for a while and he knows he has to do something about if he is ever to have a chance with me in the future. He is also going to find out about counselling and he is also agreeable to go to marriage counselling if that's what I want

He came over today, just for an hour, so that we could talk. I feel he was more honest - admits he felt flattered and liked the excitement of it all. Said it went way further than he ever intended. As another poster said, I was also keen to examine my own role - he talked about feeling neglected - us not spending enough time together and me concentrating more on my career at times. Whilst I don't think it warrants what he did, I did understand what he was saying. It all felt productive. Have agreed to meet again in a few days and think about the next steps.

Whilst I am angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, furious... I do feel we have had 10 years and the children are still so young... I can't just write it all off without careful consideration.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 22-Jun-11 17:46:29

brokenlady - all these things your DH is doing sound positive. I would really recommend getting the book as well.

I understand what you mean about the OW - DH's OW was an old friend and until recently was married with children. To make it worse, her marriage broke down due to her H's philandering. Nice eh?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 22-Jun-11 17:47:44

brokenlady - all these things your DH is doing sound positive. I would really recommend getting the book as well.

I understand what you mean about the OW - DH's OW was an old friend and until recently was married with children. To make it worse, her marriage broke down due to her H's philandering. Nice eh?

brokenlady Thu 23-Jun-11 12:23:30

Yes, I am definitely going to get the book. I have also mentioned it to DH and have suggested we both read it.

As for OW, I am trying to let those feelings go and concentrate on me and my family - though I do have moments of weakness when I want to scream, shout and cry and call her every name under the sun!

brokenlady Fri 24-Jun-11 06:35:12

sorry, back for another vent after a bad evening / night.

My feelings are just all over the place at the moment - so up and down.

Late yesterday afternoon I popped in to the town and I saw OW in her car as I was crossing at the lights. I have never seen her out and about before. I was so upset and angry that she looked like she didn't have a care in the world... I keep telling myself I shouldn't waste my time thinking about her but I can't help it. I feel like I have lost everything through no fault of my own and this woman behaves as she did and gets to just carry on with her happy life. As I understand it, she has managed to convince her DH that my DH is a liar, that it was just a few texts and that she has no idea why he is saying it was more. I just can't get my head round how cold and calculating someone can be.

DH then came over to see DC and we had a huge row. I was angry about seeing this woman and he keeps telling me that he wants us to put it behind us and move on. But I am just so so hurt and so fearful that it could happen again and I will have to go through this pain again.

I just want my life back but fear it will never be the same again now

sheba2288 Fri 24-Jun-11 07:01:05

HI BL. I am not a regular poster but reading your thread has just reminded me of the same situation this time last year. Same mad, paranoid feeling being accused by H that what I was thinking (ie affair) was ridiculous.

It has been a long old road. Still full of tears and distress at times. H and I are still together. It has only been recently that he has gone for solo counselling.

I don;t really know what to tell you about how we have moved on. I just insist that he is more sensitive to my feelings. I only recently bumped into OW after nearly a year. I have stopped feeling angry at her - just think that she is only pretending to not have a care in the world. My guess is that she has all the worries in the world - continually having to think on her feet with all the lies she has told to her H (OW in our case, did exactly the same thing to her H, denying anything physical went on - they are now divorcing - my H was not her only conquest (!!!))

Please think of yourself - thats my main advice. Your DCs will already know that you love them, no matter what. Do not let your H brush this under the carpet. The hurt he caused you is immense - he must come to terms with that.

Thinking of you. Sx

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 24-Jun-11 08:15:51

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time - it is really hard isn't it? Of course your OH wants to move on as quickly as he can but he needs to understand that it will take time and patience - it is vital that he is willing to listen and to talk.

You also need to think about yourself - do nice things like have a haircut, go for a walk, have a pedicure etc.

Your life won't be the same again but hopefully in time you both will have created a stronger marriage out of this.

brokenlady Fri 24-Jun-11 11:40:41

Thanks for the posts, it is helping to hear that I am not the only one to go through this and that people do come out the other side.

I have been signed off work for 10 days by GP and intend to use this time wisely rather than sitting crying. I intend to go for some 121 counselling. Will definitely use some of the time to pamper myself.

H went to GP today which I am pleased about as it backs up what he is saying about trying to change.

I am an impatient person at times, I guess I need to slow down instead of expecting evertything to be sorted one way or another over night.

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