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Are we over? (long and pouring my heart out post)

(23 Posts)
Wossisface Tue 21-Jun-11 21:01:59

Dh and I have been together 11 years. We have two dc a baby and a 3 y/o.

When pregnant with my second dc, dh joined a band this is purely a hobby. It pissed me off that he committed himself to practice 3 times a week knowing we were about to have our second dc. I also had spd and pre eclampsia so felt there was a lack of support there. We talked about it (I would/have never asked him not to do something and this is no exception). However I did feel that it was unfair on me as he already plays sport once a week and often goes to watch football on a Saturday. Therefore he is out 4-5 times a week as well as working 5 or sometimes 6 days a week. On top of this he often complains when at home of feeling tired. He has little to no interest in sex. I feel like we are in a loveless marriage.

After we talked when I was pregnant, band practice was reduced to twice a week. Something I still find hard to cope with especially as one of these days is a Sunday and this used to be a family day.

On Sunday I am returning to work after having 10months mat leave. I am going back working Sun, Mon, Tues night. So this means sun, mon, tues i'm at work. Wed he is at band practice, Thursday he plays sport. Friday blank. Saturday football, Sunday band practice and me at work at night.

We have had numerous discussion about this, in which he has said 'if you ask me I will stop, but I could resent you for it' so I cannot ask him to stop.

So I took the hard decision before christmas to not mention it again. Some weeks it doesnt matter. Other weeks it makes me so mad that I am on my own a lot of the time.

I love this man a lot. I know he loves me but we have become loveless with one another. I feel we have lost respect. I have put on a lot of weight I am 5 foot and weigh 14.5st!! I am deeply unhappy. But dont want us to break up however I do dream of what things would be like if weren't together. I know he isn't going to give things up for us. So I have no choice to accept it and live with it, or break up, right?

I want to add he is an excellent dad. He always baths the dc with me and we always eat as a family together, bedtime story together and as soon as the kids are in bed at 7pm he goes out to his various things. I know he isn't having an affair as, he goes to footy with my dad, plays sports with mutual friends, and in a band with mutual friends.

I just dont know what to do and am very sad. Any advice/opinons appreciated, even if you think IABU.

(I have name changed for this although I am sure if anyone I know reads this, they will totally know who I am...please dont say anything to me or anyone about it..thanks)

mrscolour Tue 21-Jun-11 21:09:23

Only you know the answer to this?

You say you love him a lot. This is a positive sign. Any chance of marriage counselling?

SirSugar Tue 21-Jun-11 21:17:21

Maybe you should start doing a few things of your own, get babysitter, go out together, go out with friends.

Its hard with young children, I know, but its wise to make an effort.

Look at making yourself happier first

Wossisface Tue 21-Jun-11 21:20:28

He wouldn't go to marriage counselling i have had that thought a lot. I do love him but not sure its enough to carry on being so bitter and unhappy.

We went camping this weekend for my sisters birthday we went with the kids. It was pouring with rain. I had an 8 month old baby and 3 y/o to entertain in a tent. His cousin came for the day and he went off fishing with him, i found myself getting so annoyed with him, for leaving me once again to hold the fought.

My mum use to nag my dad all the time about going out too much and playing squash, sometimes I used to think as a child she should just let it go and I used to think she was being unreasonable. I now find myself in the same situation and I just dont want to be that unhappy nagging wife, my mum was. Have I learned this behaviour from her and I should be more reasonable? or have I married my dad iyswim?

Just want this cycle to end of being so annoyed with him all the time, but I just cannot let it go in mind (I dont always show it to him), but inside I feel so resentful all the time.

mrscolour Tue 21-Jun-11 21:30:20

I don't think your are being unreasonable to want him to spend more time with you.

What if you wanted to go out and do all the things he is doing? How would he react to that? Would he be prepared to look after the children while you went out?

Perhaps you need to sit him down and talk to him about how serious this situation is for you and then see his reaction. If you tell him you think your marriage is over if you can't spend more time together and he doesn't take you seriously then maybe you have your answer. Hopefully, he would take you seriously and you could work out a way forward.

groak Tue 21-Jun-11 21:36:42

How about you get some 'me time' or 'away from dc' time, and from the comments n your post about putting on weight and being unhappy, combine this with exercise?

I swim twice a week on an eve whebn dh home from work, and it saves my sanity! Just get to switch off mentally and do some exercise and tone up. Ok, pre dc this wouldn't have been my idea of quality me time, but things do change when you have (young) dc smile

Hassled Tue 21-Jun-11 21:39:46

I think 'if you ask me I will stop, but I could resent you for it' is just absolute twattery. It sounds more like a threat than the words of someone prepared to make any concessions to his responsibilities. He's got his cake, he's eating it and he's going back for seconds, isn't he?

You sound very nice and patient and presumably he knows this. I think a hissy fit might be required. So he resents you for a while - so what? He'll get past it - and hopefully will realise what he's been missing.

willybreeder Tue 21-Jun-11 21:46:24

I don't think your being out of order at all - I'd be fuming! It's selfish to expect you to put up with this agreement with the underlying threat that he will be upset/unhappy if you don't happily let him do his own thing. I agree with the others that suggest going out one evening on your own. Ask him what evening you can have to yourself and try doing some kind of excercise. The difference that will make to your mind (having a bit of time to yourself), your body and to him to gently make him see what it's like being home alone (although he will only have 1 evening) will be worth it.

Wossisface Tue 21-Jun-11 21:55:47

Thanks for replies. I agree about having some time to myself and have too thought about swimming etc, however the only night I can do it is Friday that then takes out every night. So zero nights together. It's a strange feeling I have because on the one hand I feel pissed off and annoyed at him but then when he IS home I like him being there. Therefore I feel if I go out on Friday that's it wipes out us time.

Although I guess anything is worth a go.

Thanks again for reading my self wallowing waffle!! I need to get more assertive. But he has the ability to make me feel like a nagging annoying wife, not the friend and lover I once was sad

wineisfine Tue 21-Jun-11 22:08:12

A couple of ideas.

Could he take your 3yo to the football with him, so it's a three-generational thing, or is he watching in the pub? Could this be a family outing, if the latter, to a family-friendly pub so you can be together?

Do you have any chances to have some you-time during the day, since you're working nights? I know you want him to be around with you, but having something sacrosant just for you might help you feel less upset about it all.

Okay swimming on friday nights would wipe out 'couple' time, but it sounds like he's not really valuing the time you do have together as it is - perhaps once you're working (I assume he's doing the childcare while you're at work?), and have your own evening activity he'll start missing couple time too. Will there be work nights out/events with colleagues you can go to?

And if not, well, anything which could build your self-esteem and give you activities which don't depend on your H would be good, IMO.

willybreeder Tue 21-Jun-11 22:10:33

So why not tell him - when you feel it would come across the best - that you'd like an evening to go swimming but don't want to lose your Fridays as they mean a lot to you, and ask him what other evening you could go . .

AlfalfaMum Tue 21-Jun-11 22:24:54

My marriage was at it's lowest, most miserable point when our youngest were 3 and 1. I'm not for a second blaming my kids/your kids, or making excuses for your DH, just it can be a very trying time in a marriage.

I agree that you do need to be more assertive, and DH also needs to stop taking advantage. You need equal time off to pursue your interests, and he should be making time for your relationship as well.

Wossisface Tue 21-Jun-11 22:26:52

That is a good idea about dd going to football with them only trouble is they have seasons tickets so might be hard to get a seat together, and not sure dd might get bored after 90mins. I have suggested he takes dc to things he does in the past but he has such an attitude towards it all it makes me say things like don't bother then which ends up causing an atmosphere.

I want to talk to him about it. But it feels like we have talked about it so much now. I can be passive aggressive and if I bring up the subject he gets so defensive if I told him I wanted to go swimming he would say fine you should do something, if I went on to say but I would miss our only night together he would say oh yea lay the guilt trip on blah blah. It makes it hard to talk.

Thanks for the advice I feel a weight has been lifted from my chest just talking about it. I did think about showing him this thread, but again I would be accused of guilt tripping him and making him feel bad.

I really didn't see us going this way I thought we were different and able to talk freely and openly, I never thought we would be in this situation sad, not sure when it starting going wrong.

EXlovely Wed 22-Jun-11 01:23:58

Sorry but I think your being tad naive, resentment on your part will set in if you allow him to do what he wants. Its all one way at the moment. You know that deep down, thats why you are unhappy. There needs to be a fairer balance!

WriterofDreams Wed 22-Jun-11 07:16:44

Sorry for being so harsh but I think your husband is totally and utterly taking the piss. His attitude basically is that he's going to live his life whatever way he wants regardless of you and the kids and you have to fit in with it whether you like it or not. On top of that, he has actually warned you that there will be consequences if you complain. That is horrendous behaviour in my view. You must be a very very patient lady to put up with this kind of treatment. Absolutely no one with young children should be going out 4-5 times a week and leaving their partner to do everything. He is not a single man with no responsibilities he's a dad and a husband and that should take up most of his week. As it stands he's pretty much living his own life and then visiting you and the children when it suits him.

The whole "you're laying the guilt trip" line gives me the shivers to be honest. If he said that to me my only reply would be "yes you should feel guilty because you're a grown man who is acting like a teenager." I know you love him and want to be with him but I think he has no respect whatsoever for you. He sees you as a piece of the furniture, reliable and steady and not allowed to complain. Going off and leaving you while on that camping trip is mean, just plain mean. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious talk about this.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 22-Jun-11 07:25:41

It sounds like you have replacated your parents marriage. We after all learn abouit relationships first and foremost from our parents.

He may be as you put it a good dad but if he is prepared to treat the mother of his children like this I would argue otherwise. He is not being considerate at all to your needs here either as a couple or as a family and seems to act both selfish and entitled.

Becoming loveless to one another is dangerous to your marriage; the resentment you have will build up over time and any love you have for him will go. I think you love him far more than he loves you; at the moment also he is having his cake and eating it too. He is not respecting you here and you are allowing yourself to be walked on.

Even on holiday he left you alone with the children.

If he won't go to marriage counselling I would go on my own to such sessions and talk this through.

Think some more, when did the rot set in here?. Both of you have played a part in getting this marriage to the state it is now in; either both of you work to sort it (and things will need to change on both sides here but I also note he is not willing to have counselling; why do you actually think that is?) or you carry on as it is. Carrying on like this is really no option at all; both of you are teaching your children damaging relationship lessons. They pick up on all the tension within your home.

hopenglory Wed 22-Jun-11 07:35:40

'if you ask me I will stop, but I could resent you for it'....

how about your answer to that being

'I already resent you for not spending any time with us'.

I am in a gigging band and the only time we practice more than once a week is just before a gig. Do they need the practice - is he in Coldplay?

Wossisface Wed 22-Jun-11 10:29:20

Thanks again everyone. After skewing on this. And having a very long chat with a friend I think I have come to realise it's over. Even if he gave everything up he would sulk about it. You have to ask yourself why does he not Want to be at home with such a young family and im sure i am to blame partly for this. I think I will have a long conversation with him lay the cards on the table and hopefully we can be amicable. This may sound awful but I feel excited about the thought of having a new life. And lots of feelings of dread. But what is happening now has to stop. Thanks again

WriterofDreams Wed 22-Jun-11 11:23:01

Woss, you never know, if you sit down and talk to him and it's clear you're serious then he might wake up. If not then it's his loss really.

schmarn Wed 22-Jun-11 11:35:25

I think there is a step to be taken before splitting up. He needs to understand that it is not your choice whether he gives up the band or not. It is his choice to make. At the moment he is telling you that he consider dicking around on a guitar more important than ensuring that he spends just two nights a week with his wife and kids. He needs to stop and think about that and decide for himself what his priorities. Don't issue an ultimatum but if he refuses to change then by all means dump him. If he is such a great dad (sorry but giving them a bath and eating with them is not exactly Dad of the Year territory) he will see the light and sort himself out. If not, he can look forward to seeing them on alternate weekends and one night in the week like every other divorced dad.

inatrance Wed 22-Jun-11 13:55:57

How come his needs take precedence over his? It sounds like he has no respect for you at all and IMHO he is highly unlikely to change.

The fact that you feel excited at the thought of being free of him is very telling. You should be equal yet you are far from that. Spell it out for him - what you ask of him is reasonable and if he is unwilling to put in the effort there really is no point is there?

At least that way if you leave, your DC's will probably end up having more family time with him, and you get every other weekend as you time.

He's acting like a single bloke anyway but with all the benefits of being married!

inatrance Wed 22-Jun-11 13:56:42

Sorry should have read 'his needs take precedence over yours'

I think you will be better off without him because, as someone says, he considers you part of the furniture rather than a person with needs and wishes that actually matter. Also, with him gone, you will actually get some free time when he is looking after the DC on his access evenings/weekends.

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