Hi all
Name changed to protect the innocent!
I wanted to ask for some advice on how to seperate yourself (and your dc) from bullying parents. Also to find out from those who have done it, how it went and how you feel now...
I've seen another thread where people have talked about 'distancing' yourselves, but my parents won't allow this and it would have to be final.... I should also point out that I am an only child and so the focus of nearly all their "efforts. Tradesmen and neighbours share in some of my pain. My father particulary is rather calculating and spiteful and likes to make me (and my mother) suffer, and spends time calculating how best to acheive this... My mother had a rough childhood, and possible this is why dislikes me, and is jealeous of my freedom, having "escaped" the family home.
While I love both my parents dearly, I realise now (in near middle age) that I don't like them, their values or their way of dealing with the wider world. I knew many years ago, that no-one else liked them, as a child I noticed no-one would speak to me where I lived and I found myself as I got older appologising in shops for their behaviour. I have been careful since marriage never to mention my maiden name nor even to mention where I grew up for fear of being exposed.... They have made me feel inferior all my life, making it clear that they thought I would never amount to anything, and showing no interest in any acheivement I or my children have made. I am embarrased to say, many of my life decisions were made to please them often opting to the path of least resistence - such as not going to University because mother said "who would take her shopping" (she can't drive).
My dh finds their behavior v difficult to deal with, he is my rock, and I probably would have withered long ago if it were not for him We rarely argue, but if we do, it will be about them. He is lucky in that they see him as insignificant and so he is pretty much ignored, but they have now wanted to spend time with my children and I have noticed that as they ignored me they are doing the same to them, simply plying them with toys which of course young children love.... but giving no real attention or no play time too... they swear in from of them and at the weekend my mum told my eldest that she would "slap mummy"... I can't remember what it was in response to but DD was horiffied.
My father has now started his latest attempts at making me feel incapable and pushing me around and eventhough I try not to let it get to me, I find that just thinking about the scenario leaves my breath shallow, and me unable to sleep...
So I've decided to at least consider breaking all ties, I know that my father will make my mum suffer if I do this, but she has made it clear that she will always stand by him rather than me, and so I've concluded she's made her bed....
However, I'd like to hear how you got on after making the break. My dad has been told recently that he has only limited time left before his cancer kills him, but truely I don't know if I can bear it that long, especially as this latest bullying episode has been sparked by his illness, and his desperation to control me even from beyond the grave, it will only get worse...
Thanks in advance
Erik
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Breaking all links with parents - have you done it? (a little long)
3 replies
Eriktheviking · 21/06/2011 20:43
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