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Can I tell you about my first love?

(16 Posts)
PerfectDays Tue 21-Jun-11 20:10:48

I am a regular. Namechanged.

I am happily married, I love my husband, we have been together over 15 years and have children. I know he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and even typing this I am cringing in embarassment and guilt.

Because, back there, in the recesses of my mind, is someone else. The person I was with over 20 years ago. The person I also still love, although I know it is just the memories that I love. I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with my husband. But.

The other person gave so much of himself to me, and I to him, at a time in both our lives when anything longstanding would have been impossible. It was, literally, perfect days. (sheesh, am sounding like bloody Meryl Streep doing Bridges of Madison County here)

I was living in a different place then, (physically, I mean, as well as emotionally) I loved the town I was living in, and have always told my husband that one day I'd love to take him there, because I think he'd love it too, and because to truly know me, you have to know this place.

Yes, I've looked on Facebook. He isn't there. I wouldn't contact him if he were, that's not what I do, it's not what I want to do.

I guess I just want to acknowledge that I have loved before, and I still do.

Bleargh. I don't even know why I'm writing this down. I suppose I have been lucky to have had 2 such wonderful men in my life.

Thank you for listening.

SirSugar Tue 21-Jun-11 20:31:49

why did you separate from your first love?

elmofan Tue 21-Jun-11 20:34:01

smile It's nice to think back to the good old days every now and again.

ib Tue 21-Jun-11 20:36:59

Nothing wrong with remembering him fondly. You are obviously someone who is able to connect to your partners at a very deep level. That is a lovely thing.

PerfectDays Tue 21-Jun-11 20:47:19

Thank you for replying.

It ended because he had to go away for work stuff. Stressful work stuff. We had been together for just 5 weeks. Stuff that was going to be so hard that a relationship was never going to really work at the time. When he came back I had left.

FaffTastic Tue 21-Jun-11 21:14:25

Umm, was with you until you said 5 weeks. Are you sure it's not just a case of rose tinted glasses?

Though, in fairness, I can see how someone can have such an impact in such a short space if time - probably because you weren't with them long enough to get to know their faults or irritating habits!

trident Tue 21-Jun-11 21:54:54

..sorta know where you are coming from...

.... I go back to previous stuff - but normally when something is just "not quite right" at the moment in my life/relationship ... even after 17 years together... but I find that is it escapism and not real... but a wonderful "if only" moment.

..the sex was fantastic - each touch was electric and (wow) would I love to have those moments again... but it would never have worked...

..bit like the fact that I always promised myself that I would hang my clothes up if I had a bigger wardrobe - I then got the bigger wardrobe but also got more clothes so they never got hung up...

Dreams - keep hold of them - even today when I get sooooo pissed off they help keep my feet on ground ....

BibiThree Wed 22-Jun-11 10:20:51

I am in touch with my first love, but only recently. For 16 years I've had the same thoughts as you, loved the memory of him and us. I don't feel guilty for it, the 16 year old me loved the 16 year old him and it was a wonderful time.

We're back in touch after a school reunion oganised through fb, I still love the 16 year old him, but not the 32 year old him. I met my H shortly after I broke up with my first love and we've been together 14 happy years.

I had lunch with him a few weeks ago and it was great. We caught up, still got on well, but there were no loving or romantic feelings. I just felt happy we could be in each other's company and get on so well. H knows I met him, has no problem with it.

I probably won't have lunch with him again and I suppose we'll keep in touch sporadically on fb, but nothing more. What we had then was good, but what both of us have now, separately, is better.

It's nice you can look back with fond memories and good thoughts. Nothing wrong with that.

curtaincall Wed 22-Jun-11 10:35:40

I've been there PerfectDays. We weren't able to be together for very long but i know too that long term there were maybe things that would have been missing in my life if I hadn't met my dh. Not material things. He called me just after I got married and we talked for a bit. Told DH who understood and accepted this was the past. I do fantasise now and again about getting in touch but would never do so either - we are both married with kids. When I saw Bridges of Madison County, i wept loads when she realised he'd remembered her all his life. It was a great love story.

I like your message tridents about the bigger wardrobe. Don't understand it yet but am working on it.

curtaincall Wed 22-Jun-11 10:44:39

Don't feel badly about this. It shows you have an open heart and are capable of deep feelings. Love isn't limited - i assume you love your DC too. Try and find out what it is that is making you think about this man? Something lacking in your marriage? You remember a perfect time with no complications/compromise etc? My friend who knows the person I was involved with, says that my relationship with DH is real and healthy. The one with Mr Other wouldn't have worked out so well. I think she is right but doesn't stop me dwelling sometimes (if I have too much time on my hands and have access to an MN noticeboard!)

PerfectDays Thu 23-Jun-11 06:29:51

Thanks for the answers.

I like the wardrobe analogy and I'm sure that that is correct, we never lived together, we never saw each other on the loo, although it was only 5 weeks though, for various reasons it wasn't all plain sailing so I did see the darkside as well.

Bibi- I'm sure too, if I did see/meet him after all this time, there wouldn't be the same feelings of love/lust. I sure don't look like I did (or think like I did) 20+ years on, and I'm sure he doesn't either!

I think he is such a constant thought in my head that I need(ed) to get it clear about whether it's OK or not to think about it. (without betraying- even if only emotionally, I mean, my husband) I have been kind of toying with the idea of visiting the town I was living in for a short break (with the family) (It's a beautiful, touristy kind of place) and as I said before, I'd love my family to see the place where I lived for a while. I just didn't want a visit there to throw up all kinds of stuff I don't want.

spiderslegs Thu 23-Jun-11 07:05:42

Don't fret, I love my husband but think of my first love frequently (weekly).

I think it's because he was the first man I was truly sexual with coupled with the fact it was the time in my life I felt most free.

It's normal, we were together for two years & it was intense, but everthing's intense when you're young.

I will never forget that man, he'll always be the beautiful boy (I'm weeping even thinking about it). He is, however, no longer the beautiful boy & I'm no longer the beautiful girl.

We're both middle aged parents.

I miss us, but we no longer exist.

Of course it's fine to think about it, it's human.

TheOriginalFAB Thu 23-Jun-11 07:09:17

I hear what you are saying as I had a first love who I have never forgotten and we actually got back in touch but aren't now. We can't just be friends and don't want an affair or to leave our husband/wife so we have nothing. Neither of us could walk away for good but I have done by deleting and blocking and now I am much happier. Sometimes staying in the past is a really bad idea.

CareyFakes Thu 23-Jun-11 08:24:01

I like this thread, it's perfectly normal to hold the 'rose tinted' view of our first loves, it was an intense, new, exciting experience, one that stays with millions for life.

I met up with my first love 4 years ago, I have a soon-to-be 3 year old, and haven't seen him since. My 16 year old self will always love him, my 30 year old self just pity's him. No regrets though, great experience.

PerfectDays Thu 23-Jun-11 18:10:08

I like that idea, that your 16 yr old self can still love him, because that 16 yr old self doing that isn't taking away anything from the 30 yr old self....I guess that's what I've been wondering, is it wrong, rose-tinted glasses and all.

CareyFakes Thu 23-Jun-11 19:06:30

As long as it is just 'imagine' as opposed to actual situational, I think it's harmless. If these thoughts start dominating normal day to day life so that other things are neglected then it will be a problem.

Enjoy reminiscing, it's wonderful and can be a nice escape, but not a tool for avoidance of life and others. I love looking back at the past in my head, makes me smile, but then I see my current situation, and I smile with that too.

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