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Some please help me, i dont know what to do anymore

(47 Posts)
AngelNanny Tue 21-Jun-11 17:38:15

I was engaged to my partner and our first son is due in 9weeks time.

After a couple of weeks of strange goings on from him i found out he was having an affair with a woman he met on-line at the beginning of May. Since the whole thing erupted he has moved in with her and her two children (5yrs and 8weeks) and has no contact with me at all and very little with his parents.

He as said to his parents that he wants to be in the baby's life but he has not contacted me and his parents are now unwilling to play 'mediator' about the child.

I am very upset about being abandoned and i have had to get the police involved over threatening phone calls and abusive messages from his new bit of stuff and from him. This thankfully has now stopped due to the police intervention.

I feel I am on my own with this pregnancy and my child when he is born and i don't know what to do. I don't no what my ex wants and i have no way of finding out.

Some one please help me to know what to do.

3littlefrogs Tue 21-Jun-11 17:43:27

I think you will probably be better off without him. Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear, but I think he will cause you much more stress and unhappiness if you try to keep him involved. He has treated you appallingly - why would you want him in your life?

Singleparenthood is tough, but it is even worse with an ex making your lives a misery.

Have you got other support from family and friends?

AngelNanny Tue 21-Jun-11 18:04:46

Hi 3little frogs, i do have support from family and some friends but its just all so difficult.

My ex wanted children but i wasnt ready at this stage of my life, however fate decided completely different and i fell pregnant. My ex has been here all the way through the pregnancy and has been very supportive and wanted this baby so much when i was so unsure.
He promised me everything would be ok and that we would be a family so i continued with the pregnancy feeling safe in that knowledge and now i feel my whole life has been turned upside down.

He has gone from doting and understanding fiance and father to be to just having no contact sad

vegetariandumpling Tue 21-Jun-11 18:06:10

I really feel for you OP, it must have been a huge shock.
i don't know what to do. I don't no what my ex wants and i have no way of finding out.

If that's the case, if you have taken reasonable steps to involve him and he has given you nothing but abuse shock then you're just going to factor out what he wants. Do what you want/think is best. You can't be expected to read his mind to magically know what he wants. And yes he will throw tantrums when you didn't somehow know what he wanted without him telling you, but you can't drive yourself crazy trying to guess. You are about to move on the the next step of your life, and of course you're sad that he won't be in it, but at least you will have your beautiful new baby.

Be kind to yourself, this is a really shitty thing to go through so just give yourself time.

((sending you unmumsnetty hugs))

AngelNanny Tue 21-Jun-11 18:17:01

Hi Vegetariandumpling, thank you so much for your kind words and hugs.

I just feel so sad, i wanted my little boy to have his daddy and now it seems he will not sad

OK collect all the evidence of his abusive texts and threats )print out emails and include anything in writing WRT police involvement, put it in a box and put that box away. Then cut the man out of your life, don't engage with him at all. If he later decides to try to have contact with DC then you will have evidence of his unreasonable behaviour and it will be easier to convice the court that his access should be restricted to what you are comfortable with.
IN the meantime, look after yourself, seek out support from family and friends, and try not even to think about the wretched man.
In the future he might turn into a good involved co-parent, but he will have to do a lot of work on proving to you that he has changed.

AngelNanny Tue 21-Jun-11 18:49:09

Hi SpringchickenGoldBrass, thanks for your response.

I like your post very much and feel a bit uplifted by it i think.

Thank you smile

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jun-11 18:54:42

Good Lord, you sound absolutely lovely, you are better off without this excuse for a man

real men don't act like this

take spring's advice, it is good

Start working on the premise that everything he told you was lies, none of this is your fault for wanting to believe in the father of your child, but now he has shown you who the real person is

look to family and friends for support and look after yourself and baby first and foremost

everything will be ok x

thenewf Tue 21-Jun-11 18:54:48

You must be hurting so badly at the moment and I really feel for you. Don't be afraid to lean on your friends and family. This guy is not a nice person and you and your child will be better off without him. You may not feel that way at the moment but one day you will realise you had a lucky escape.

dittany Tue 21-Jun-11 19:00:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelNanny Tue 21-Jun-11 19:19:18

Thank you again for the kind messages, i agree with what everyone is saying.

I just seem to go through waves of anger, then crying, then feeling unable to cope.

He is not the person i knew and loved which is very sad and i wish this had been shown before me conceived a child.

I'm trying to be strong for my baby but its very hard, i know life is hard, but feel me and this baby are the only ones suffering from him acting like/being a nasty piece of work.

MariaMaria1984 Tue 21-Jun-11 19:21:56

Hello sweetheart,

I really feel for your predicament. I have just been through a similar(ish) situation, so had to post. My hubby left when my DS was 6 weeks old. I won't pretend to know what it feels like to go through the pregnancy without your fiance, it has hard enough coping with it while I had a newborn. Your partner has been very selfish to have an affair and leave you at a time when you needed him most, especially since he was the one that wanted kids.

Now, I know its a lot easier said than done, but you need to completely erase this man from your memory for now. Focus on yourself, and your baby. This is a stressful time, and you do not need this crap right now. Lap up all of the support from your friends and family, I could not have got through it without them. Take each day as it comes, don;t look too far into the future, because none of us know what the next day holds for us! Once your baby is in your arms, I can almost promise you that any doubt and fear that you had will disappear. In time you will feel empowered to know that its just the two of you against the world, and that you are doing the best for you and your baby. No-one will be able to break that bond you two will share. Cliche i know, but its just so true. My son is now 4 months old, and his dad is almost a complete stranger to him (he sees him 1-3 times a week), he doesn't smile with him, and he is very weary of his dad...whereas he always smiles for me and is generally content when I am there smile

Chances are, once your baby is born, your ex will want to be more involved with bubs. But it must be on your terms. Remember that you have done nothing wrong!

Check out the lone parents threads. There are lots of people that have been through it and come out happy at the other end.

Focus on what is important. Enjoy your pregnancy, then when he/she comes along, focus on your baby, and cherish every second, because they grow so quickly!!!

Good luck


lazarusb Tue 21-Jun-11 20:09:33

A loved child only needs ONE good parent. That is you. Put you and your baby first. You won't believe the bond you will have with your baby. Enjoy it. Amass support and build up your life. You sound like a great mum-to-be smile

glintwithpersperation Tue 21-Jun-11 20:23:32

Maria is so right, when you hold your baby nothing else will matter. You sound like a lovely person and this guy is an utter prick.

AngelNanny Tue 21-Jun-11 21:10:02

Thank you so much everyone.

I guess my wound will take time to heal but i must be strong, goodness knows I am trying.

All of these posts are of great support to me so thank you ever so much.

midwife99 Tue 21-Jun-11 21:19:14

I feel I need to reassure you. My ex was abusive to me during my pregnancy & he & his parents made me life hell for the first few weeks of DD's life. He served divorce papers on me when she was 6 weeks old full of lies for grounds & refused to leave & became more & more abusive. The police & his lawyer finally made him leave. After that IT WAS BLISS! My DD & I were in a gorgeous little bubble of love together. We just had each other & the wonderful bond & closeness we had was unspolit by anyone else being involved. I know it's supposed to be better with a man around but honestly it was perfect just the two of us. You'll be fine & pity the idiot man who walked away.

merryberry Tue 21-Jun-11 21:24:48

You are going to be OK. You sound like you've had a lucky escape from a very sorry individual. I am very sorry you have lost the hopes and dreams you specifically built around this man, but just try when you're howling on the choking pain of the loss, to find that awareness that he was a manipulative and very odd and malfunctioning person who conned you for only a short while.

Keep going, look forward to concrete things. Don't try and forget him or ignore too much of what you feel, just look at what you feel and think one tyhing at a time what to do with the feeling. He has abandoned you, but you do have some family, and a hoard of other unmet people yet to support you and your family.

Try and be thankful for something good each day. Try and shrink his impact in your mind a little each day. Try not to give a toss about what he wants, he sounds very odd to be honest, OK enough to take you in for a while, but really really odd.

Imagine, 15 years from now, your grown could be living anywhere, who knows what love and joy you might have found through others or what success you might have powered yourself too once this awful, awful time is over.

leafbird Tue 21-Jun-11 21:55:54

It will get easier,i know at the moment it feels like you cant breath,eat,sleep, or function like a normal person. It is such a horrible and selfish thing to do,you have done nothing wrong at all he reallly is not a true man to do this to you. Try to talk to everyone you love and are close to about this as much as possible people will not get annoyed at you needing to talk this through(i worried about this) My finance did this when i was four months pregnant, he met her
at a party at his friends house,the next weekend he had left me pregnant and his 6 year old son to move in with her and her two kids. Two week later he is begging me to take him back.Its been a year now and i have forgiven him.stay strong and no matter what happens you will have a beautiful baby soon,thinking of you xx

Just one more thing Angelnanny: this man has no rights at all until the baby is born (if even then, given how badly he has behaved) so no matter what he might try to tell you, you will not get into any trouble or be compelled to have him at the birth or anything like that. Chin up love, soon you will have a lovely baby to cuddle.

MariaMaria1984 Wed 22-Jun-11 08:35:33

I have just thought of something else I didn't mention before...

If you have a close friend or family member, it might be worth asking them to stay with you (or you stay with them) for a week or two after the baby is born. It is such a hard time as it is, and you will really need the support. My mum was around everyday to help me out and I couldn't have done it without her. Just for things like cooking, doing the washing etc. If you are thinking of breastfeeding, you will need to make sure you are eating well. Also, if you can, try and prepare some healthy meals now to pop in the freezer. A lot easier when you haven't got any energy (or time) to cook.

Honestly, you will get through it hun, and you have had a lot of advice here, so when you are feeling low, just come back and read this thread!

Good luck x

AngelNanny Wed 22-Jun-11 14:18:11

Hi, just a quick update.

I spoke to the ex today and his bit of stuff kept chipping in, but he was verbally abusive.

He said he wanted to be on birth certificate and would see the child when he could, i told him that wasnt good enough as I'm not waiting for weeks after the child is born for him to bother seeing him and to say he hasnt got the money to travel here to see him, also i do not just want a name on a birth certificate (especially when that gives him rights).

Therefore i have now told him as he cannot be civil and is very aggressive and abusive he will not be in this child's life at all but when the child is old enough to understand and wants to see him i will not prevent him from seeing him then.

He said he would take me to court, to which i said he could feel free to do so and good luck to him. He then said so 'fuck off you dirty fucking slag!' and hung up. (charming language!)

Therefore i am now plodding on in the knowledge that he will not be around at all and feel better i have some closure on the matter and have a final decision.

I am greatly upset and by no means did i want things to be this way but feel i have been left with no choice.
It is also worth mentioning he has another child who he is not allowed to see and i have recently found out that that is actually due to him being violent to his ex partner etc. so feel i am also justified in the respect that the other mother came to the same conclusion i now have for very similar reasons.

Thank you for all your support x

He may not even bother to take you to court for access: a lot of wankers like this are not actually interested in seeing their DC at all, the aim of all these threats of court action is to upset and harass the women who are standing up to them. And if you have evidence of abusive, aggressive behaviour from him you will be able to insist on supervised access (ie via a contact centre) and if he doesn;t turn up or dicks around - or indeed behaves aggressively during contact, then he will not be awarded more contact or anything like that.
Best of luck with your PG. As others said, surround yourself with support from family and friends. Being a single mother is fine, honestly.

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jun-11 16:23:58

what an utterly foul piece of shit he has proven to be

I haven't seen worse on the Jeremy Fucking Kyle Show

I cannot reiterate by how much you are better off without him

Take no note of his ridiculous threats. He won't follow through, he doesn't possess the stamina nor the brains.

midwife99 Wed 22-Jun-11 16:24:27

You cannot put him on the birth certificate if you are not married without him being present anyway but are you going to CSA for child maintenance? if so they will force him to give DNA to prove paternity if he will not pay & disputes it. That still doesn't give him rights to see the child. Best to report his verbal abuse to the police now so there is a record in case of any future court applications from him.

AngelNanny Wed 22-Jun-11 18:54:39

Hi SpringchickenGoldBrass,

thanks for your support. the first incidence of abuse and harassment is logged with the police from when they warned him so i hope this would suffice. I will also make notes of his aggression during our relationship and about the verbal abuse this afternoon so i have that to use if needs be.

I feel stronger today, thank you everyone

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